LINCOLN.
Faarrrrrrrrrttt.
Sorry. I'll explain. I didn't hate LINCOLN. I thought it was beautifully shot, mostly well-acted, and had an inspirational first scene and last 15 minutes. It was still good enough to fall right in the middle of the pack of movies I saw this year. But it was boring.
Here's the scene breakdown in my mind when I recall my viewing experience of LINCOLN (spoilers):
EXT. CIVIL WAR BATTLEFIELD - NIGHT
Soldiers take turns telling Lincoln how awesome he is. Boy are white and black soldiers different! Every Union soldier memorized the Gettysburg address.
INT. LINCOLN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Discussion about the Civil War that includes 3-7 old white men.INT. LINCOLN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lincoln argues with a harpy that resembles Sally Field.
INT. LINCOLN'S OFFICE - DAY
Discussion about the 13th Amendment that includes 3-7 old white men.
INT. LINCOLN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lincoln argues with a banshee that resembles Sally Field.
EXT. CIVIL WAR BATTLEFIELD - DAY
Lincoln rides a horse slowly through carnage (pictured).
INT. CONGRESS - DAY
Argument about the 13th Amendment between a whole gaggle of old white guys.
INT. LINCOLN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Discussion about the questionable tactics to get votes that includes 3-7 old white men.
INT. LINCOLN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lincoln argues with a hound that resembles Sally Field.
INT. LINCOLN'S KITCHEN - DAY
Discussion about the state and federal law that includes 3-7 old white men and a melted wax figure that resembles Tommy Lee Jones.
INT. LINCOLN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lincoln argues with a troll that resembles Sally Field.
INT. CONGRESS - DAY
Argument about the 13th Amendment between a whole coven of old white guys.
INT. LINCOLN'S STUDY - DAY
Lincoln has some sons and one of them resents his neglect even though he's passing a really important amendment.
INT. CONGRESS - DAY
It passed! The 13th Amendment passed!
INT. THEATER - NIGHT
Nope! Not that theater! We hear of Lincolns assassination second hand. We feel really bad for his son but then a little relieved he was seeing something else.
INT. LINCOLN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lincoln is dead.
THE END.
...
Anyway, what did you think of this year's Oscar darling?
