Wednesday, January 30, 2013

under the weather

Facebook is abuzz with three things: this crazy unheard-of snow, the Manti (T'eo) pageant, and how sick everybody is. Can we address the third topic? Here's the deal. A few people I know are sick, and everyone else is "sick." And you know who you are.

When someone tells me that they are sick I feel bad, but mostly I feel skeptical. I don't believe that someone is sick unless I see them throw up right in front of me or if they have a deep, scratchy voice (which can be faked, btw.) I think the person is just trying to pull something over on me. But then again, I was born during the Vietnam War so I'm suspicious and skeptical of everything. When someone tells me that they are sick, and I haven't witnessed vomit or heard any (credible) voice cracks or hacking, I want to ask the following ten questions:

1. Do you have diarrhea? How much and how recently?

2. Are you really sick or do you just need a hug (cause you've heard I'm super good at hugs)

3. When you told me you were "in the hospital" with the flu, was the hospital your couch? With an endless stream of Downton Abbey episodes on the TV?

4. Is this a performance? If so, I feel like you could raise the stakes. What's your objective? Who is your scene partner? What do you want from that person? Did you do a warm-up exercise?

5. Could you vomit right now? On the spot? If I snapped my fingers could you/will you vomit?

6. Are you hoping I will make you soup? Because I can open a can, but that's literally it.

7. Are you wanting to stay home from school or work? Think about this: is it worth it? Playing catch-up the next day is the worst. So many emails! So many things to sign. So many people to fire. Answer: NO. IT IS NOT WORTH IT.

8. Do you think, maybe, if you cleared your throat that you would sound normal again and not sick? Let's try!

9. When you shuffle around like you're dead, do you think you are fooling me? Does a cold cause people to suddenly become lame? Did you catch a sad case of the cripples?

10. You claim you have a fever. Oddly, you don't feel warm to me. Should we try a rectal thermometer? I HAVE ONE IN MY CAR!

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