Monday, January 7, 2013

Sugar Free January

Several years back Katie came up with the horrifying clever idea of dubbing the first month of the year “Sugar Free January.”  Basically, the theory is that since December is such a month of caloric debauchery and habitual treat-munching, January should be a cleansing month.

I’m not going to lie to you. January has never been my favorite month, and it is even less so now. We are currently in a fight, January and I. 

I mean, in theory I agreed with Katie. And when I say “in theory,” what I mean is that I don’t really agree with her at all. What she is essentially saying was, “Since December is a month of happiness, how about January be a month of NO happiness?”

As a public service announcement, I thought I would chronicle my experience thus far this year.  I call it My Descent Into Madness: the Autobiography of Ken Craig’s January

January 1: 9:00 a.m. Woke up feeling fantastic. Enjoyed an egg and toast for breakfast. Actually kind of looking forward to the detoxification and purging sugar from my body. A new healthier, happier me. 

January 1: 9:15 a.m. Ransacked house looking for sugar. Checked pantry, fridge, 72-hour kits – even searched hard-to-reach areas for possible overlooked plastic eggs filed with Easter candy from 9 months ago. 

January 2: Wept. Like a baby. Felt moody all day. Punished one of my children for “not being funny enough at the dinner table” and sent him to bed. Lethargic. Unshaven. Kicked the dog.

January 3: Realized I don’t own a dog. Wrote apology note to neighbors for kicking their dog. Tied note to brick and threw it through their window. 

January 4: Ate entire jar of Sweet Pickles. Contacted lawyer for "false advertising" claim… Wondering where I can locate some Sugar Beets. 

January 5: Promised Katie the Sugar Nazi if she let me eat a bowl of ice cream I’d watch  Downton Abbey with her. Nothing doin’. 

January 6: Packed a hobo sack, flung it over my shoulder, started whistling “Pour Some Sugar On Me,” and told Katie I was hitchhiking to The Big Rock Candy Mountain. She tried to convince me there was no such place. (As if I’m going to fall for that Sugar Nazi propaganda!) 

January 7: Came back home, listless. I think my body is imploding. Bones weakening. Organs leaking vital fluids. Heart slowing. Breathing shallow. Darkness closing in. Slight headache. 

January 7: While hallucinating, tried to eat plastic cupcake in daughter’s toy kitchen. Once hallucinations stopped, tried once more to eat cupcake. Found bag of Ruffles potato chips instead. Ate entire bag. And also the chips. 

January 7: Realized this is just going to be one long month of zero happiness. Katie told me to pour myself a big heaping bowl of “Shut the Heck Up.”  Poured myself a bowl of unsalted almonds instead. That's what happens when you're living under a Sugar Nazi regime!

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