Monday, January 21, 2013

My Audition for Juror #1

So, please don’t be jealous, but just recently my county needed me, and – that’s right – I answered the call. Recognizing I was highly sought after, and quick to respond to the cry of justice, I carefully tore along the calculated, perforated lines of my jury duty summons. 

No sooner had I read through the form letter when I noticed that this letter contained both blue AND red ink! Clearly, this was of utmost importance. I called Katie over and sat her down on the couch. I wasn't entirely sure of how I was going to explain this to her. I mean, after 17 years of marriage, I’m sure she thought she knew everything there was to know about me. But how could she know that my sense of justice and mercy was so acute, that our nation’s court system (well, our county’s court system, but I digress) was not only hanging by a thread – but a thread that I held in the palm of my hand?

Thankfully, she was supportive. In fact, she almost acted like it wasn't a big deal. She kind of brushed it off and went back to making dinner. SO BRAVE, my little Katie.

As you can imagine, I had a lot of preparing to do. I quickly went to Barnes & Noble and bought all the Grisham they had. (I was going to just go to the county library for the books, but – call me a conspiracy theorist – county library, county court? I’m sure they are in cahoots. Just seemed better to avoid the situation. That is exactly how they trip you up.)

I also rented the critically acclaimed Pauley Shore film, Jury Duty, and studied the process, so as to not miss a single nuance. I couldn't follow it initially; but after the third viewing, I began piecing it together. Brilliant.
I then decided to make an iPod mix of court room music. But all I could think of was the theme music from Law & Order. So I just looped it and carry it with me wherever I go. I walk with more purpose, now. But not necessarily a quicker walk, because then my iPod earpiece keeps falling out.

And finally, I began using lines from courtroom dramas, and other such trash talk. And this has really helped. For example, when I drive up to the ATM and it says it’s “Out of Order,” I scream, “No, YOU’RE out of order! This whole BANK is out of order!” And sometimes, at my day job, somebody will ask, “Is this the best you can do, honestly?” And I have to answer, “You can’t HANDLE my honesty!” And then, just for good measure, when my kids promise me good behavior so that I will do some favor for them, I say, “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash!”

And, well, thanks to all my preparation, I have actually been invited to “call backs” (courtroom/theater speak) for this very high profile case. I wish I could tell you about it; but my ability to keep secrets is probably another reason my county sought me out as they did. And I can’t turn my back on them now. They need me. Plus this may be my only opportunity to ever do my Samuel L. Jackson’s, “Yes they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in he@#!” 

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