What to eat while you are watching Fall TV

I know we are supposed to be posting about Fall TV this week. And I feel like I have a bigger post in me about TV, but it just not ready yet. I take TV very seriously. It involves spreadsheets, highlighters, the Entertainment Weekly Fall TV issue and a lot of prayer. And that hasn't happened yet and I had a long day at work (and I forgot to write this post last night) and I just don't want to give you a half-hearted TV post, you know? I promise you a really good, thorough analysis of the Fall TV season soon.

But...I do have something to endorse. It's a Food Truck And it's the perfect thing to eat while discussing Breaking Bad. Or watching Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Or pondering who's next to go on The Walking Dead. It's called Sweeto Burrito.

Full disclosure: Christian, the owner of Sweeto Burrito, is a good friend of mine. And one day when I showed up at his house, there was a food truck parked outside. I guess owning and operating food trucks is Christian's "thing" now. And it should be. Because he's a good businessman, and dang, these are some good burritos. 

Tonight, I had the Buff Chick. Its fried chicken pieces, buffalo sauce, cilantro ranch dressing, tater tots and cheese. In a burrito. Yes. I said tater tots. It was sweet and spicy and crunchy and satisfying. I've also partaken in the Smokehouse, which is Sweeto's unreal smoked chicken, cilantro ranch, ONION RINGS, cheddar cheese, the tastes of freedom and magic all wrapped up in a flour tortilla. Fantastic. I want to go there every day and eat everything. (And not all the burritos contained a fried starch on the inside, though the best ones do.)

So if you live in, near, around or within reasonable (5 hours?) driving distance of Provo, Utah. You should go visit Sweeto. Go like their FB page and click around the menu. I wish I could be like Oprah and that I could give you all free burritos if you told them Josh sent you.  But I can't. But don't worry, you will be happy you went. And if Christian is working, he has some interesting thoughts about Breaking Bad. You should ask him. 

Want better ideas or input from people? Try Jon Bell's 'McDonalds Theory'

Do you ever get in the situation where, as a group, you need to decide on something but no one can think of anything to suggest? Wether it's your co-workers, friends, spouse, or kids, we've all said something like, "Let's decide where to go to lunch" or "What movie should we see?" and everyone just stares blankly. Recently, I found a pretty brilliant solution. It's called the McDonald's theory. Simply, people are inspired to come up with good ideas to ward off bad ones.

Jon Bell writes:

"I use a trick with co-workers when we’re trying to decide where to eat for lunch and no one has any ideas. I recommend McDonald’s ... An interesting thing happens. Everyone unanimously agrees that we can’t possibly go to McDonald’s, and better lunch suggestions emerge. Magic! ... It’s as if we’ve broken the ice with the worst possible idea, and now that the discussion has started, people suddenly get very creative."

Obviously there are plenty of work applications for this. I get involved in brainstorming sessions all the time where, for whatever reason (fear, nerves, boredom), no one offers anything. I think something like the McD's Theory can really bring those sessions to life. Now, unless you're the boss, don't be the one who makes the crap suggestion every time, and be sure to continue to add more ideas when the session gets cranking.

For someone who has done any improv, you get used to crappy offers and making the most of them by adding better details to make the original offer look amazing. I think it's a similar theory but instead of "Yes, and ..." it becomes more of a "Maybe, but ..." It doesn't block the conversation and keeps the idea channel open.

What's probably the most fun for me to think about is the family/friend use for this. However, my kids love McDonalds so I think an opposite approach will work for them. Such as "Let's go to Liver and Onion Town!"

What do you think? Will this work? How do you get others to be a part of the idea process?

Tonight I died. And went to Heaven.

I have a dream. It's about me, a whole bunch of food trucks, an endless pocket full of money and me eating until I am sick. You see, I love food. The more interresting and unique the better, and no one does interresting and unique food better than food trucks. But unless you live or work in an Urban area where there are a lot of food trucks near your office, they aren't usually that convienent to get to. And unless you've been to them before, you kinda don't know what you are going to get. When Amy and I lived near Portland for our anniversay one year we went and stayed downtown one weekend. I was so excited to hit the food truck scene for lunch (in Portland they are not actually trucks - they are more permanent and all clustered in a few blocks) only to discover that the food trucks are all closed on Saturday because no one is working in the city. I was bummed.

Tonight, my food truck dream came true. I am at a work conference this week and tonight was one of our parties. It was down by the water in San Francisco, but it was windy and cold so I wasn't super excited. But when we got to the venue, we learned that dinner would be provided by 17 different food trucks. And, everything was paid for by the company so you could get whatever you want, as much as you want for free. Let me say that again: There were 17 food trucks and I could go up to them, order what I wanted, not pay for it. and then go to the next truck. I think I gained about 7 pounds tonight, but it was worth it.

I learned a few strategies. Like when I went to the truck that was serving Grilled Macaroni and cheese sandwiches...let me give that a moment to sink in. It was basically a grilled cheese sandwich. With bacon. And macaroni and cheese ON THE SANDWICH. Anyway, when I got my half of a sandwich it came with potato chips. I immediately threw them away. I don't have room for potato chip tonight, sir! I said, GOOD DAY! Or when the line for the Taco truck (where I got a taco with roasted poblanos, corn, sauteed mushrooms and queso fresco) was kind of long. I went next door to the Indian food truck, got my Kati roll stuffed with Chicken Tiki Masala and then ate that while I was waiting in the taco line. Once we figured out that the trucks didn't care how much we ordered (because it was free) we would just start ordering one of everything and then share with our friends. Rather than committing to one item, you could have a little taste of many items. So yes, I DO want a Pork Slider with cabbage and arugula slaw AND your smoked pork ribs. And no, ma'am, I don't want to decide if I'd rather have a Salted caramel, double vanilla or red velvet cupcake. I'd like one of each. In fact, I'd like TWO of each.

Did I eat to much? Absolutely. Am I going to have heart burn all night? You betcha? Is it hard for me to understand why no one else has ever thought of putting macaroni and cheese and bacon on a grilled cheese sandwich? I have literally had trouble thinking of anything else all night. But for a food nerd like me, it was heaven on earth. And when are you going to get a chance like that again? Probably never. So pass the lobster roll, the veggie empanada, the pork belly bao with pickled daikon and the Nutella and strawberry crème brûlée. Heaven is a beautiful place.

A well thought out post, about the things I, well, thought out...

Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity. -Voltaire

Well, I ate too much.

I was going to sit down and write a brilliant blog about some clever nuanced thing that only I noticed, but then I ate too much.  Why?!  Why don't I just stop when my platter is full...that's one thing, my sister-in-law didn't want to dirty dishes (and why would she?!  I sure wasn't going to do them!) so she used paper plates...the thing is, the only paper plates she had in the house were these huge oval platters!

 Boom.

Good Heaven's why do they even make those?!  A pack of TWENTY FOUR!  Anyway, I filled mine up twice.  I know I know, but she didn't tell me that she had made dessert, certainly I would have only had one platter of food had I had known about dessert.  And worse it was these little raspberry and lemon glased cookies...so you really had to have at least seven before the taste of Honey Lime Chicken enchiladas even began to get out of your mouth...not that I wanted it out of my mouth...no, quite the contrary, there was a time where I would alternate a cookie bite with a enchilada bite...salty then sweet is my bingeing combination, I could eat the following combinations until my gut split down the center and the following ingredients would spill out...un-chewed:

• Popcorn/Milk-Duds
• Lays Classic Potato Chips/ really Dark Chocolate Chips
• A fist full of rock salt/ Peanut butter M&M's
• Chicken Enchiladas/ Lemon Raspberry Glased Cookies

I knew I had gone too far.  I did.  I knew it.  But that was two platters of Enchiladas, rice, refried beans, a small stack of blue berries and pineapple, and seven Lemon Raspberry Glased Cookies later...then I stopped.  I mean, I'm not a psycho!  I know when I've had too much, but tonight, I just couldn't stop and now I feel horrible, both physically and emotionally...I mean, I just started a new diet today.  For reals!  Today I had, like, a glass of water for breakfast, a hard boiled egg (three days old) for lunch, came home cranky from work to find out we are going to my sister-in-laws (whose some kind of wonder cook) house for dinner but that I would have to wait until 6:30 (6:45) to eat.  It was a perfect storm.

BTW, this is what one of those platters looks like full of food and not crisp and white in the packaging:

  2x

Great Mouse Detective! What have I done!  This post is giving me heartburn, honestly the only thing worse than eating too much food is to then search the internet for pictures of big platters of food.  I've ACTUALLY had some Alka Seltzer this evening...for it's intended purpose! You think Ken is old??!  That guy plays racquet ball! (I used the "Q" spelling to make it sound fancier) I do not play anything...hide and seek sometimes with the kids, but thats only to snuggle down in the quilt closet and catch a nap in the middle of the day, not a lot of calories burned.

It's not even that!  I'm a mid-middle aged married man, I suppose to be chubby!  I'm sure if Ken had some church activity where everyone was swimming, he would have to leave his shirt on because he would be humiliated to whip out his racquet ball abs in front of Sister Christiansen, the Ward Librarian. 

But I can't take this out on Ken, though I hope he enjoyed his brussel sprout for dinner, no, this was my doing.  My wife only ate half her platter and she's in a fine mood. Not me...it's 11:45 PM and I'm writing this blog that is making me sick to think about the sick things I sicked in my mouth and the whole time I've had to be sucking in my gut so my fingers can reach the key board!  WELL I'M DONE!  I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!  I CAN'T EVEN BREATH IN MY OWN HOdijlsjksdnnfydsnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNF,MFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFASDMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNKMNVVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvweeeeoiioweiiiiiiievvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvkh=wpl

Sorry.  

Apparently at some point my gut hit the CAPS LOCK button.

finally - answers!

You know how, every once in a while, something comes along that completely inspires you? And it comes from the least likely of places? Something so immense and internal and soul shaking that you almost take it as a sign? A special message from the Heavens? Something you were meant to hear at just that time and just that moment? And it answers all your hardest questions? That happened to me on Saturday.

Like many of you, I am trying to lose weight. I have about 10 pounds to go, but I seem to have hit a wall. I could never put a finger on why I can't make it past this last 10 lb obstacle. Until Saturday morning, when I was watching TV and an infomercial came on for something called The Food Lovers Diet Plan. They were interviewing these people and one by one they presented their testimonials. And every word rang true, you guys. It was like they were speaking for me. These people can't lose weight because they really really love food!

I'm sorry, but you guys don't know how it is. I LOVE FOOD. You don't know. I love the way food tastes, and I like crunching it and feeling it go into my stomach. I like it when it's salty (hello, pizza!) and I like it when it's sweet (chocolate mousse, anyone?) and I like it always and whenever. And these people were talking about how they love food too, and I just realized I'm part of an exclusive and special little community of people who love to eat.

None of you would fall into this category. You guys just don't love food like me and my friends on the commercial. COUNT YOURSELVES LUCKY! You probably won't have to struggle with weight the way we do. We love food! We are food lovers. We are stricken with this malady of gluttonous desire that we may never shake. You guys merely put food-like substances in your mouths, swallow it down, and get on with your day. You don't even think about what food looks or tastes like because you don't care. Oh, man, I wish that were me! I actually love, love food.

I am the sort of person who has to eat, like, three times a day. And it better fill me up...or look out! I sometimes even like to snack in between those meals. Can you even imagine? Probably not. It's a vicious cycle for me and my Food Lovers Diet Plan friends - we eat, and then a few short hours again....we're hungry! We have to have more and more. Because food tastes so good to us. We're not like the rest of civilization, who basically eat air and chew small morsels of ice chips.

I just want to let everyone involved with the Food Lovers Diet Plan know that they have reached someone who thought he was beyond help. Someone who never thought he would meet another human being who loved chewing, and tasting, and masticating as much as he did. But now I know I'm not alone. I'm special! I love to taste food! Look at me! Look how special I am with my special needs!

Sugar Free January

Several years back Katie came up with the horrifying clever idea of dubbing the first month of the year “Sugar Free January.”  Basically, the theory is that since December is such a month of caloric debauchery and habitual treat-munching, January should be a cleansing month.

I’m not going to lie to you. January has never been my favorite month, and it is even less so now. We are currently in a fight, January and I. 

I mean, in theory I agreed with Katie. And when I say “in theory,” what I mean is that I don’t really agree with her at all. What she is essentially saying was, “Since December is a month of happiness, how about January be a month of NO happiness?”

As a public service announcement, I thought I would chronicle my experience thus far this year.  I call it My Descent Into Madness: the Autobiography of Ken Craig’s January. 

January 1: 9:00 a.m. Woke up feeling fantastic. Enjoyed an egg and toast for breakfast. Actually kind of looking forward to the detoxification and purging sugar from my body. A new healthier, happier me. 

January 1: 9:15 a.m. Ransacked house looking for sugar. Checked pantry, fridge, 72-hour kits – even searched hard-to-reach areas for possible overlooked plastic eggs filed with Easter candy from 9 months ago. 

January 2: Wept. Like a baby. Felt moody all day. Punished one of my children for “not being funny enough at the dinner table” and sent him to bed. Lethargic. Unshaven. Kicked the dog.

January 3: Realized I don’t own a dog. Wrote apology note to neighbors for kicking their dog. Tied note to brick and threw it through their window. 

January 4: Ate entire jar of Sweet Pickles. Contacted lawyer for "false advertising" claim… Wondering where I can locate some Sugar Beets. 

January 5: Promised Katie the Sugar Nazi if she let me eat a bowl of ice cream I’d watch  Downton Abbey with her. Nothing doin’. 

January 6: Packed a hobo sack, flung it over my shoulder, started whistling “Pour Some Sugar On Me,” and told Katie I was hitchhiking to The Big Rock Candy Mountain. She tried to convince me there was no such place. (As if I’m going to fall for that Sugar Nazi propaganda!) 

January 7: Came back home, listless. I think my body is imploding. Bones weakening. Organs leaking vital fluids. Heart slowing. Breathing shallow. Darkness closing in. Slight headache. 

January 7: While hallucinating, tried to eat plastic cupcake in daughter’s toy kitchen. Once hallucinations stopped, tried once more to eat cupcake. Found bag of Ruffles potato chips instead. Ate entire bag. And also the chips. 

January 7: Realized this is just going to be one long month of zero happiness. Katie told me to pour myself a big heaping bowl of “Shut the Heck Up.”  Poured myself a bowl of unsalted almonds instead. That's what happens when you're living under a Sugar Nazi regime!

What to Eat When You're at the Happiest Place on Earth

I'm a bit of a Disney lover. I went to the park a few times as a youngster when my parents would load all 8 (EIGHT!!) children in my family into 1 (ONE!!) van and drive to California for a week. We would hit Disney once while we were there, and true to form, it was magical and fantastical.

When I was in high school my best friend was, well let's call a spade a spade, a Disney nut. Her family went every year and because her dad did some work for the park, they would go for weeks at a time. And because they were a lovely and generous family, they started taking me along. Once, we went for 9 (NINE!!) days in a row to the Land. And this was in the pre-California Adventure days. And we loved it.

Since then I have gone a lot. I was a season pass holder when I lived in southern California, I worked at Disneyworld for a semester in college and we now go annually with my children and in-laws. So let's just say I know my way around the park. And let's just say I know how to eat my way around the park (because really, I could skip every ride and just walk around and eat and I would be happy.) And a lot of friends have asked me lately what to eat when they are in the Land. And if you live in Utah, you are probably planning a trip to Disneyland for UEA which is in a few weeks (spoiler alert: so is half the state, so it is going to be crowded.) and so I thought you might find this post helpful. So here is my list of the top 10 things to eat in the park.

1. Corn Dog - This is the thing I want the most when I get to Disneyland. You can buy them from a cart on Main Street, or better yet, from the Corn Dog Castle in California Adventure. (The Corn Dog Castle also sells Cheese Dogs and spicy Corn Dogs.) They are big, obscene looking, and delicious. 
2. Bengal BBQ, Adventure Land, Disneyland. I think this is one of the most overlooked places in the park. It is a little stand that sells beef and chicken kebabs and BACON-WRAPPED ASPARAGUS! It's perfect for when you don't need a full mean but just want something quick and filling.
3. Just down the way from the Bengal BBQ is the Mint Julep Bar. I don't get this treat as often, because we usually visit the park in the winter when it is a bit cool. But on a hot summer day, nothing refreshes more than a Mint Julep and a cream filled beignet. 
4. BLT Flatbread Pizza from the Village Haus in Fantasy Land. This is an actual sit down restaurant where you can go and get burgers and other things for a full meal. While your kids are eating hamburgers, eat this "Thin flat bread crust, wood smoked bacon, creamy provolone and mozzarella cheeses, caramelized onions, marinated tomatoes, topped with arugula and shaved fennel. Hold me.
5. Speaking of actual restaurants to eat at, hands down our family's favorite is Pizza Port in Tomorrow Land. It's your basic pizza and pasta and salad fair, but here are my two tips: the restaurant is set up cafeteria style, so you get all your food and then go pay. The drink stations are before the cashiers. As soon as you walk in, fill up your diet coke. Sip and enjoy while you get your kids and your food. Refill before you pay. You are a happy person. You can also get those good chocolate dipped rice-crispy treats here. 
6. Diet Coke Float at Paradise Pier Ice Cream Company on Paradise Pier in California Adventure. I think this is the only place in the park that serves soft-serve ice cream. And they'll put it in some diet coke for you. What's not to love: Diet Coke and Soft-Serve.
7. This one is going to sound weird, but you know those Turkey Leg carts you see all over the park? Don't eat those because they are stringy and disgusting and I would cook and sell them by the ton when I worked at Disneyworld and have PTSD about them. But at those same carts they sell Chimichangas. And they are delicious. And about $5 and really filling. Another great thing to eat on the go when you don't need a full meal but are still hungry. And I have it on good authority that these carts also sell Chili-Lime Corn on the Cob. I haven't tried it, but definitely will on my next trip.
8. Speaking of Carts and Stands, you can get great Caramel Corn in both parks. Really, you are saying, caramel corn? But it rules. And it just feels right to be walking around a theme park eating caramel corn. So trust me. Do it. Do it.
9. I have blogged about my love of deep fried sandwiches here before. And that love was born in Disneyland. The first (and best) Monte Cristo I've ever had comes from the Blue Bayou restaurant. It's that one that you sail past inside Pirates of the Caribbean. It's pricey, and you may not want to take your kids (go with your spouse when they are doing something else.) and you usually have to make reservations. But the food is worth it. And they Monte that Cristo like a boss.

And finally...my latest discovery of deliciousness on my last trip to the park is seen above. Inside a restaurant (that I don't really care for) called Rancho del' Zoccalo you can buy these little bags of cinnamon crisps. This is the also the only place (that I know of) in the parks where you can get Diet Coke with Lime. And somehow, the combination is heaven. I want some right now. Right now. Really, right now. 

So that's it. My faves. I could go on and on, but I want to hear from you all. Weigh in in the comments. What do you love to eat at Disneyland?

Sweet, Lovely Peanut Butter

I've mentioned before how I bring my lunch to work everyday, right? Well, the other day as I was eating said lunch or a peanut butter sandwich (if you read that other post you know that clearly I made this lunch, not my wife.) one of my employees asked what I was eating.

"Peanut Butter and jam," I said.

She chuckled, "Oh, that's funny. I haven't had a peanut butter sandwich since I was like 6 years old!" 

I stopped in my tracks. Mi scusi? I thought, in Italian (I do all of my judgemental thinking in Italian.)

I literally didn't see how that was possible. I eat at least on peanut butter sandwich every day. And that is not hyperbole. It is every day. And as I type that out loud, it seems a little weird. But I really do - usually for breakfast (it is easy to make the night before and put in a baggie on the counter so I can grab it on my way out the door.) It is filling, delicious, goes great with Diet Coke and while not "healthy" per say, has protein, healthy fats, and fiber if you use whole wheat bread, which I do. It is kind of the perfect meal. And if not for breakfast then it is a great late night snack. preferable on toasted bread where the peanut butter gets all warm and melty. A little Vampire Diaries on the TV. What more does a man want in life?

Because of this, I am a bit of a jam snob. No Smuckers is allowed in this house. Mostly we go homemade strawberry freezer jam, but I will also allow good quality apricot preserve, orange marmalade (the best stuff is from Ikea, in that little Swedish grocery store on the way out.) or Trader Joe's Cherry Jam, which is like jarred pie, when we can get friends to bring it in from out of state. 

The peanut butter is typically smooth, though chunky will do. I am a Skippy man, though I have recently converted to the organic Kirkland Peanut Butter they sell at Costco. The bread is usually Great Harvest Whole Wheat. Whenever I eat a PB&J on white bread it is so delicious it feels like sinning, so I try and reserve that for special occasions.

Ruth Reichel, the venerable food writer just wrote an essay on Gilt Food about how to make the ultimate peanut butter sandwich. Go read the article, but basically she suggests this:

1. Use great white bread, like challah.

2. BUTTER the bread first (and then put the peanut butter on top of that.)

3. Salt the peanut butter.

4. Microwave the whole thing for 8 seconds before you eat.

I tried it and Ruth isn't kidding around. I didn't have any white at home, but next time I do...well, I think some food experiences are sullied if they are talked about too much. I think it will be transcendent.

So guffaw if you will, employee of mine. Peanut Butter Sandwiches are not just for 6 year olds. They are delicious, amazing beautiful meals for men. I think I need one right now. 

If you want to know what to make me for my birthday (in 2 months!!) you can do these Peanut Butter and Jam Cupcakes by Carla Hall (photo courtesy of ABC.com)

Colon All Nations!

From time to time I receive a bulky and unsolicited health magazine in my mailbox. I’ve never subscribed to it. I’ve never paid for it. And in spite of its large print and vibrant pictures, I am still able to generally ignore it. But this time, as I walked home with nothing more to read from the mailbox but the power bill (and I like to be sitting down when I read that), I thumbed through the magazine. And you won’t believe what I found: That’s right – an article on colons!

Now, it’s been my experience that this topic is among the top three No-No’s in social conversations: Religion, Politics & Colons. For example, this joke will never end well: “So the Pope, a Rabbi, and Bill Clinton walk into a bar, each with their own colon under one arm, and a bottle of Kaopectate under the other…”

But there were some startling statistics I found in this article.

In Their Lifetime, the Average American Eats…

6 whole Pigs

12 three-thousand-pound cows

3,000 chickens, turkeys, and other flying birds

3,000 fish, sea creatures and sea scavengers

2,000 gallons of alcohol

300 soft drinks

400 candy bars

500 doughnuts

It wasn’t until the second time I read through these statistics that I realized the author of this article wasn’t bragging about how awesome Americans are in eating contests or in killing things.

Now, I don’t know where this “professional” gathered his information, but I see some real inaccurate calculations in these here statistics. And I am going to now correct him. Not by doing any additional research of my own, because I am busy, people. My DVR isn’t going to watch these shows itself, you know! Besides, I’ve read that, like, 82% of statistics are made up anyway.

6 Whole Pigs: This may actually be correct. When you take into account the numerous delicious ways to eat pigs, I would be embarrassed to not eat 6 pigs during my lifetime. From sausage and bacon to Easter ham and pork chops, it truly is the other white meat. And when it says “whole” pigs, I assume it includes toenails, eyelashes, lips, ears, and spleen. And I think that is correct because hot dogs cover those areas. So this could be the most accurate statement in this statistical analysis.

12 Three-thousand-pound cows: WRONG. How would you even know that? What if I just ate one huge 36,000 pound cow instead of 12 average-sized cows? Maybe I found it roaming elusively undomesticated in the wild frontier of Wyoming somewhere? Are you suggesting it would be better to let such an animal run free, menacing the countryside and eating small Wyomian children? How un-American are YOU, pal?

3,000 Flying Birds: I can kind of see what he’s saying here, and I tend to agree. This is really a suggestion that we branch out and try new things; namely, flightless birds. When was the last time you tried Ostrich? Or a delicious slice of Penguin? Come on people, get out of your comfort zones. Don’t be afraid to try new things.

3,000 Sea Animals: I’ll tell you right now that if he is including shrimp in this statistic, he is way low. I’ve eaten 3,000 shrimp in one sitting. (They are so tiny!) And if you go to Claim Jumper (Slogan: Making gi-normous portions classy since 1977!), I’m pretty sure you can now order a surf n’ turf combo of 3,000 shrimp with half of a pig. It’s called the Swimming Swine. Top it off with an éclair the size of your head, and that is a fine, fine meal, my friend.

2,000 Gallons of Alcohol: If this is accurate, I am way, way behind. I’ve never even had heavy duty cough syrup.

300 Soft Drinks: I’m sorry, did this survey say “in a lifetime” or “before noon?” I know people who take soda intravenously until lunchtime, so it is difficult to declare, within any degree of accuracy, just how much Diet Coke is coursing through them at any one time. If somebody has a soda once a day, then they’ve had 300 sodas before the end of one calendar year. There is no way this number is right. Unless this statistic is from 1948.

400 Candy Bars: If the 24 hour period after October 31 is considered a Free Zone and those numbers don’t count, then…this number is still incredibly low.

500 Doughnuts: (Or as I like to call it, Appetizer Item #5 at Claim Jumper.) Difficult to say on this one. If you eat one with a fork and knife, is it still a doughnut, or is it now cake? If you take a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts, put them in a bowl, pour milk over them, and call them Cheerios, are they still doughnuts, or are they now cereal? That sounds good…maybe I should do some real research and get back to you on that one.

Regardless if these statistics are accurate, I think we can all agree on one thing: When it comes to killing and eating things, you can bet that 78% of the time, Americans are the best at it 100% of the time.