Dr. Schulze, I Presume...

Allow me to introduce you to Dr. Richard Schulze, a botanical pharmacist who approaches healing and overall well-being with herbs. This is a man who believes in natural remedies. A man who snubs western medicine. A man who inadvertently promotes himself in the most obnoxious of ways.

Truth be known, I’m fine with his natural healing mode of thinking. I don’t take a great deal of medication or chemicals for my health. I don’t get the flu shot, I don’t take antibiotics for non-infections, and I don’t chew aspirin when I’m out of gum. But I’m no Dr. Schulze. I think if I ever met this man, I would slap him senseless, with herbs falling out of every one of his orifices as I slapped him.

See, his theories on health issues are fine, but he offends me in two ways. The first is his advertising. Any piece of promotional material you receive from Dr. Schulze, be it a brochure, his website, or I imagine even a text message, is written in about 18 different fonts, giving the impression that he is YELLING AT YOU, emphasizing every … single … written … word, or pretending that every other sentence is the key sentence to his theory. This has lead me to believe his personality is very loud and that he believes there is not a whole lot that he doesn’t already know about almost everything.

You may feel that I am unfairly labeling Dr. Schulze, and you may have a point. But the second (and greater) offense is not only a more serious accusation, but I have proof to back me up. Ladies and gentleman, I give you…horrible tasting herbs.

So, I’m thumbing through a catalogue by Dr. Schulze, and despite his YELLING AT ME IN PRINT, or maybe because of it, I decide to take a serious look at a product he calls SuperFood. SuperFood is made up of every vitamin, mineral, and super power a growing man needs. Why, with SuperFood, I was convinced I could take one pill a day, without changing my usual diet of doughnuts, Almond M&Ms, and cheeseburgers…and be the absolute picture of health. No need to be bogged down with fruits, vegetables, or produce of any kind. Got ‘em all packed into this magnificent little SuperFood pill. I can just dedicate those calories to more delicious intake.

So I called to order SuperFood. And when I called, I got completely suckered into ordering SuperFood in bulk. So a few minutes later, I am into SuperFood just over $100.

“Well,” I tell myself, “isn’t your health worth $100?” And I console myself by imagining the things I’ll be able to do with my newfound strength and vitality that will come from something so wonderful that it says right in the product how super it is.

And then SuperFood arrives. And surprise! It’s not in a pill. It comes in raw powder / grain / grass / stuff. You scoop it into a beverage of your choice, and chug it. I’m already not as thrilled. This looks like a lot more work. I scooped some into some orange juice, mixed it around, looked at it (my first mistake) and threw it down my throat (my second mistake).

Imagine a meadow, somewhere. It’s rained for days, and that meadow is now a swamp. Now visualize, if you will, a heard of buffalo. They have rolled and stepped all over the meadowy, swampy area, infesting it with years of filth that has been in their hair. And now picture one of these buffalo eating some of the filthy, swampy grass, chewing it for hours, digesting it for days, and then dumping it where it sleeps. Now envision Dr. Schulze stumbling upon this heap, combing it with one-part dirt and two-part dried-out sin, and bottling it as SuperFood. I just bought $100 of that stuff.

And I assure you – I am going to take every last grain of it. I paid for it, and I am too stubborn to just throw good money away. EVEN IF IT MEANS I AM JUST CRAZY ENOUGH to consume the nastiest tasting stuff I’ve ever held in my possession.

Friday Link Roundup: Fall Fashion and a Former Bishop

Hello, everyone, and welcome to a very special episode of Friday Link Round Up. I have sailed the Internet this week and found links from some very credible (or not) sources. Today we have some great articles for Fall fashion for men, healthy snacks, and a very sweet, funny, and touching article from our own Ken Craig about his experience as bishop of a congregation of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Men's Fall Fashion Links from Primer Magazine:

Ken Craig after 5 years of service as a bishop.

Designer to Deal: Fall
Boots for Fall
Fall Essentials

Health:
The 6 Snacks You Should Eat Everyday

Former Bishop Ken Craig in the Deseret News:
Today in the Bloggernacle

Happy Labor Day weekend, all.

Colon All Nations!

From time to time I receive a bulky and unsolicited health magazine in my mailbox. I’ve never subscribed to it. I’ve never paid for it. And in spite of its large print and vibrant pictures, I am still able to generally ignore it. But this time, as I walked home with nothing more to read from the mailbox but the power bill (and I like to be sitting down when I read that), I thumbed through the magazine. And you won’t believe what I found: That’s right – an article on colons!

Now, it’s been my experience that this topic is among the top three No-No’s in social conversations: Religion, Politics & Colons. For example, this joke will never end well: “So the Pope, a Rabbi, and Bill Clinton walk into a bar, each with their own colon under one arm, and a bottle of Kaopectate under the other…”

But there were some startling statistics I found in this article.

In Their Lifetime, the Average American Eats…

6 whole Pigs

12 three-thousand-pound cows

3,000 chickens, turkeys, and other flying birds

3,000 fish, sea creatures and sea scavengers

2,000 gallons of alcohol

300 soft drinks

400 candy bars

500 doughnuts

It wasn’t until the second time I read through these statistics that I realized the author of this article wasn’t bragging about how awesome Americans are in eating contests or in killing things.

Now, I don’t know where this “professional” gathered his information, but I see some real inaccurate calculations in these here statistics. And I am going to now correct him. Not by doing any additional research of my own, because I am busy, people. My DVR isn’t going to watch these shows itself, you know! Besides, I’ve read that, like, 82% of statistics are made up anyway.

6 Whole Pigs: This may actually be correct. When you take into account the numerous delicious ways to eat pigs, I would be embarrassed to not eat 6 pigs during my lifetime. From sausage and bacon to Easter ham and pork chops, it truly is the other white meat. And when it says “whole” pigs, I assume it includes toenails, eyelashes, lips, ears, and spleen. And I think that is correct because hot dogs cover those areas. So this could be the most accurate statement in this statistical analysis.

12 Three-thousand-pound cows: WRONG. How would you even know that? What if I just ate one huge 36,000 pound cow instead of 12 average-sized cows? Maybe I found it roaming elusively undomesticated in the wild frontier of Wyoming somewhere? Are you suggesting it would be better to let such an animal run free, menacing the countryside and eating small Wyomian children? How un-American are YOU, pal?

3,000 Flying Birds: I can kind of see what he’s saying here, and I tend to agree. This is really a suggestion that we branch out and try new things; namely, flightless birds. When was the last time you tried Ostrich? Or a delicious slice of Penguin? Come on people, get out of your comfort zones. Don’t be afraid to try new things.

3,000 Sea Animals: I’ll tell you right now that if he is including shrimp in this statistic, he is way low. I’ve eaten 3,000 shrimp in one sitting. (They are so tiny!) And if you go to Claim Jumper (Slogan: Making gi-normous portions classy since 1977!), I’m pretty sure you can now order a surf n’ turf combo of 3,000 shrimp with half of a pig. It’s called the Swimming Swine. Top it off with an éclair the size of your head, and that is a fine, fine meal, my friend.

2,000 Gallons of Alcohol: If this is accurate, I am way, way behind. I’ve never even had heavy duty cough syrup.

300 Soft Drinks: I’m sorry, did this survey say “in a lifetime” or “before noon?” I know people who take soda intravenously until lunchtime, so it is difficult to declare, within any degree of accuracy, just how much Diet Coke is coursing through them at any one time. If somebody has a soda once a day, then they’ve had 300 sodas before the end of one calendar year. There is no way this number is right. Unless this statistic is from 1948.

400 Candy Bars: If the 24 hour period after October 31 is considered a Free Zone and those numbers don’t count, then…this number is still incredibly low.

500 Doughnuts: (Or as I like to call it, Appetizer Item #5 at Claim Jumper.) Difficult to say on this one. If you eat one with a fork and knife, is it still a doughnut, or is it now cake? If you take a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts, put them in a bowl, pour milk over them, and call them Cheerios, are they still doughnuts, or are they now cereal? That sounds good…maybe I should do some real research and get back to you on that one.

Regardless if these statistics are accurate, I think we can all agree on one thing: When it comes to killing and eating things, you can bet that 78% of the time, Americans are the best at it 100% of the time.