battle of the bulge

First off, I apologize for the title. Bulge might be the worst word ever. Say it a bunch of times. It's really the worst.


Like many of you, I'm paranoid to turn on the news and see that someone has used my fat belly as stock footage for a segment on obesity. It literally pushes me to go to the gym every morning. I'm not going to be that fat guy, even if they don't show my face! I refuse to be objectified. I'm also always on the lookout for low-lying camera operators.

I have come up with a series of tips to lose weight. Are you proud of me? You should be! I haven't actually lost any weight, but I feel GREAT. Here's a few thoughts:

1. When I eat at fast food establishments (every day - I'm super busy) I order a combo but I only eat HALF of the fries. You have to sacrifice!

2. When my kids want to play at a friends house, even if it's a block away, I'll drive them there. But I'll scoop them up out of the car and carry them to the door! Even Miles. You should see my arms!

3. I wear light, loose fitting clothes so that when I weigh myself I weigh less.

4. I "think thin" like French ladies do. It's all in your mind. I also wear clothes for thin people because that tricks everyone into thinking I'm thin, too. Size small t-shirts from Target seem to really slim me up.

5. Have you guys played Just Dance on the wii? What are you waiting for? It's a riot - and what a workout! I like to do one song, and then I watch my kids do about a hundred. It's really great family time.

6. Even when I'm in front of the computer I keep working out! I constantly flex my glutes. I'm doing it right now!

7. When my doctor says I'm a "bit high" in my obesity range during a check-up, I remember that he's a hater and just jealous.

8. I try not to be an emotional eater. I do this by cutting out ALL EMOTIONS. I feel nothing. I am a robot. If you ever see me crying it's because I'm just acting. (Remember - I'm a trained actor!)

9. I will never judge anyone for being overweight, because I understand their struggle. But I try to be proactive and remind them to "try a little harder," and sometimes I will pinch their tummies (good naturedly) just to say "you can do it!"

10. I only eat Lean Cuisines for lunch. Well, Lean Cuisines and a giant donut for dessert.

These are just some things that work for me. What are your diet tips?

Alright, what?! Mind your own business!!

If you are an avid reader of PTA (and if you're reading today, who's to say you don't read everyday...which is avid) you will recall that two weeks ago I pledged a pledge to run every day for a month starting April 1st.

Well, the following is my list of excuses:

1- I hate to run.  I know that this was the point of my pledge, that I hate to run and all my runner friends say it's super easy you just have to keep with it and then someday you'll love it, but it turns out my hate of the thing is the reason I can't do it...I should have seen that coming but didn't.

2- Running hurts. One of Lindsay's students described it as Cayenne Pepper in your lungs. Apt.  And remember when Josh told me that April would be a great month to run cause it's just so damn nice?!  Well, I was literally sloshing threw rain at 5:15 in the morning and I wanted to run to his house and kill him...though, I'm sure he wouldn't have been there cause he was off doing cartwheels because after you're a runner you move on to the next step, cartwheels...up hill.

3- When?! The hardest thing besides running was to find the time.  I tried to get up before the sun and run and it was actually just fine in the morning, but then around 6:00 in the evening I would lay down where ever I was and go to sleep, as I had been up for 13 hours and spent the first one running for my life in pouring rain....cause it's April.

4- I now can't breath doing things that were once easy.  So since I became a Runner (capital R) I have developed this deep wheeze that shows up whenever I go up stairs or run to catch an elevator or flee from predators.  I didn't have this before and it's the running's fault. or the rain. or the cold.  or the cold I got from running in the rain.

5-Screw it!  There is a moment in every runners life where you make the choice, 'You can either push on and run it out, or be fat.'  I have seriously decided on the latter.  I am sorry for my wife, she would have enjoyed my runners body, but instead she'll have to accept the fact she legally bound herself to a kind and gentle flesh-bean-bag man.  Could be worse, I could be a pro bowler...no offense.

Here's what I learned:

I did get sore.  My legs felt like jell-o when I was done and the next day they felt like Ken Doll legs, but I did push through it and the soreness gave way and I was able to run every day...for four days, then the rain, then Sunday, then Monday, then just never wanting to run again.

All in all I ran 6 out of the 10 days. I have a good play list out of it...except now I hate every song on it...what am I saying, I hate the first 4 songs, I don't even know what comes after Eminem's 'Love the Way You Lie' remix. Nor do I know what the orignal song sounds like...is it a waltz?

And so I'm sorry.  I failed.  And who cares.  I am just one of gazillions who tried to run and abhorred it with the white hot intensity of ten thousand suns. However, I still want that runners body...join in next week when I dive in head first to the newest and most controversial fad weight loss gimmick, even writing it feels better then that time I wrote, 'I'm gonna run.'

finally - answers!

You know how, every once in a while, something comes along that completely inspires you? And it comes from the least likely of places? Something so immense and internal and soul shaking that you almost take it as a sign? A special message from the Heavens? Something you were meant to hear at just that time and just that moment? And it answers all your hardest questions? That happened to me on Saturday.

Like many of you, I am trying to lose weight. I have about 10 pounds to go, but I seem to have hit a wall. I could never put a finger on why I can't make it past this last 10 lb obstacle. Until Saturday morning, when I was watching TV and an infomercial came on for something called The Food Lovers Diet Plan. They were interviewing these people and one by one they presented their testimonials. And every word rang true, you guys. It was like they were speaking for me. These people can't lose weight because they really really love food!

I'm sorry, but you guys don't know how it is. I LOVE FOOD. You don't know. I love the way food tastes, and I like crunching it and feeling it go into my stomach. I like it when it's salty (hello, pizza!) and I like it when it's sweet (chocolate mousse, anyone?) and I like it always and whenever. And these people were talking about how they love food too, and I just realized I'm part of an exclusive and special little community of people who love to eat.

None of you would fall into this category. You guys just don't love food like me and my friends on the commercial. COUNT YOURSELVES LUCKY! You probably won't have to struggle with weight the way we do. We love food! We are food lovers. We are stricken with this malady of gluttonous desire that we may never shake. You guys merely put food-like substances in your mouths, swallow it down, and get on with your day. You don't even think about what food looks or tastes like because you don't care. Oh, man, I wish that were me! I actually love, love food.

I am the sort of person who has to eat, like, three times a day. And it better fill me up...or look out! I sometimes even like to snack in between those meals. Can you even imagine? Probably not. It's a vicious cycle for me and my Food Lovers Diet Plan friends - we eat, and then a few short hours again....we're hungry! We have to have more and more. Because food tastes so good to us. We're not like the rest of civilization, who basically eat air and chew small morsels of ice chips.

I just want to let everyone involved with the Food Lovers Diet Plan know that they have reached someone who thought he was beyond help. Someone who never thought he would meet another human being who loved chewing, and tasting, and masticating as much as he did. But now I know I'm not alone. I'm special! I love to taste food! Look at me! Look how special I am with my special needs!