Alright, what?! Mind your own business!!

If you are an avid reader of PTA (and if you're reading today, who's to say you don't read everyday...which is avid) you will recall that two weeks ago I pledged a pledge to run every day for a month starting April 1st.

Well, the following is my list of excuses:

1- I hate to run.  I know that this was the point of my pledge, that I hate to run and all my runner friends say it's super easy you just have to keep with it and then someday you'll love it, but it turns out my hate of the thing is the reason I can't do it...I should have seen that coming but didn't.

2- Running hurts. One of Lindsay's students described it as Cayenne Pepper in your lungs. Apt.  And remember when Josh told me that April would be a great month to run cause it's just so damn nice?!  Well, I was literally sloshing threw rain at 5:15 in the morning and I wanted to run to his house and kill him...though, I'm sure he wouldn't have been there cause he was off doing cartwheels because after you're a runner you move on to the next step, cartwheels...up hill.

3- When?! The hardest thing besides running was to find the time.  I tried to get up before the sun and run and it was actually just fine in the morning, but then around 6:00 in the evening I would lay down where ever I was and go to sleep, as I had been up for 13 hours and spent the first one running for my life in pouring rain....cause it's April.

4- I now can't breath doing things that were once easy.  So since I became a Runner (capital R) I have developed this deep wheeze that shows up whenever I go up stairs or run to catch an elevator or flee from predators.  I didn't have this before and it's the running's fault. or the rain. or the cold.  or the cold I got from running in the rain.

5-Screw it!  There is a moment in every runners life where you make the choice, 'You can either push on and run it out, or be fat.'  I have seriously decided on the latter.  I am sorry for my wife, she would have enjoyed my runners body, but instead she'll have to accept the fact she legally bound herself to a kind and gentle flesh-bean-bag man.  Could be worse, I could be a pro bowler...no offense.

Here's what I learned:

I did get sore.  My legs felt like jell-o when I was done and the next day they felt like Ken Doll legs, but I did push through it and the soreness gave way and I was able to run every day...for four days, then the rain, then Sunday, then Monday, then just never wanting to run again.

All in all I ran 6 out of the 10 days. I have a good play list out of it...except now I hate every song on it...what am I saying, I hate the first 4 songs, I don't even know what comes after Eminem's 'Love the Way You Lie' remix. Nor do I know what the orignal song sounds like...is it a waltz?

And so I'm sorry.  I failed.  And who cares.  I am just one of gazillions who tried to run and abhorred it with the white hot intensity of ten thousand suns. However, I still want that runners body...join in next week when I dive in head first to the newest and most controversial fad weight loss gimmick, even writing it feels better then that time I wrote, 'I'm gonna run.'

A Counterpoint: Why I Love (Hate) Running

Me and my lovely family running the Leprechaun Lope.

I loved Patrick's post about hating running/ers. Not only because it was about how Patrick is becoming a runner, but also because I am narcissistic and it was really about me. You see, I am one of those annoying runners. And if you are a runner you love nothing more than seeing other people succumb to the cult of running.

Here is the real secret about running, however. (And no, this is not about how runners don't wear jock straps. You can read the comments on Patrick's post if you want to know what we really (don't) wear.) All of those runners your know - the people who obnoxiously post on Facebook about how many miles they did that day, or what race they are running this weekend - they all really hate running.

No one likes running, except gazelles, the Tahrahumara and that guy winning the race in that picture wearing the shorty shorts. Everyone likes how it feels when you are done running. There is a feeling of euphoria that you are finished and that you did something hard and that now you can eat several chocolate chip cookies guilt free. You see, the chocolate chip cookies are why we really run. You've heard of runner's high? That's cheesecake. Endorphins? Those are the cheese fries we eat guilt free post 10k. Exercise euphoria? Ice cream. Running a 10K = 1000 extra calories. That's a lot!

I guess I shouldn't speak for all runners. Maybe some really do love it. And I do get a certain sense of happiness setting off on a run on a beautiful sunny day. But if you told me tomorrow that I could burn the same number of calories reading articles on Buzzfeed than I could running, you better believe I would be spending 1 hour with An Analysis Of The Unwinnable Spice Girls Vs. Hanson Debate. (Duh, Spice Girls all the way. Once I had a dream that I was best friends with the Spice Girls and they called me Timber Spice and I was always really mad that everyone was so hard on them. Wait...Did I just type that out loud?)

When I found out Patrick was serious and was going to really run, I had some unsolicited advice to offer. (It's the best kind!) And if you, gentle reader, want to take up running as well (read: eat more cupcakes) then you can share in this advice.

• Start slow. When I started running I remember thinking that no matter what, I would never be able to run a mile without stopping. I just thought that my body would literally be unable to EVER do that, no matter how long I trained for. Eventually you get a mile in. And then a couple more. So don't worry if you can't run 10 miles (or 10 yards) on your first run.
• Run outside. For the love of all that is holy, don't run on a treadmill. Treadmills are boring and terrible and mind numbing and not for beginning runners. And in most parts of the country now is a perfect time to be outside. Not cold, but still cool enough that you don't die.
• Find a friend. That's really why all us idiots post on Facebook about our runs. So we can find the other runners. Having made a running date with someone makes it a whole lot tougher to talk yourself out of it. My running partner is about 8 years younger than me and significantly more in shape than I am. This helps too, because I do longer and tougher runs than I would do on my own because I don't want to appear weak.
• Find a 5K and train for it. Yes, it is really annoying to pay someone $25 for the privilege of running. But they are a lot of fun and their are other runners and adrenalin and lots of crazies to make fun of later. In fact, if you are up for a run next Saturday, I'll be at the Racin' for Greyson 5K to raise money for my friends son who has a disease that is so rare he is basically the only kid with it. I'll be the tallest bald guy there. Come say "Hi!"

So get out your dance belts, or jock straps or whatever you want to run in and come... join our cult. (Also, please wear pants on top of your dance belt.) Think of how many instagrams of race finishing times you can post! Think of all the Facebook status updates you can have talking about your amazing 7 miles you just did. But really, think of the chocolate chip cookies that you will eat and tell yourself, "Yes! I will have another! Because I ran 7 miles today and tweeted, instagramed, four-squared and facebooked all my friends letting them know that I did. My body craves it." They'll never know you are really talking about the cookie. 

I hate Running...and 'ers.

Oh, you all know the type: once you were good friends, and you hung out a lot together at places with the words 'Hut' or 'O'Ramma' in the title and then something changed and they became distant and aloof. And then, after a time, they started looking at you with sort of a mix of pity and superior understanding....well, you guessed it, your friend is now a runner.

Yes, yes, it happens all the time, "Something just had to change," they say, "We're not 21 any more and I can't eat the way I used to." Well who cares, I say?! I'M still 21 and as long as I can have my Tums/Alka Seltzer cocktail I can eat whatever the beans I want...only not beans. And who asked you!?

Anyway, I'm sick of it.  Too many good friends have gone to the dark side...some of whom post on this blog. It's true, some of these guys, whose posts you skim every other day of the week, are runners. I won't name names, I am a professional, but you may have noticed that Josh gave away 'Earbuds' and not 'Milk Duds' on his giveaway.

So what to do about it?!  That is the question. I hate to complain with out a solution. Well, I have a scheme. I have to say I'm pretty excited about it.  It's cunning and devious in all the best ways. How can I possibly take those runners down from where I sit? I can't. They are much to quick. And so, in an effort to slap those smug self satisfied smiles straight off their faces, I'm getting off the couch.  I will run.  I will prove that the body's natural state is plump, stationary, and in flip flops.  I will dispel the myth that runners love the most, "Yeah, it was hard at first, but now my body craves it and I just can't get anything done until I've got my run in." HOGWASH!  Your body craves chunky peanut butter on a spoon, shoved into a half pound bag of milk chocolate chocolate chips! It does not crave running! Je deteste! And there is no other way to prove it than for me to run till blood spews from my eye sockets and I collapse, mangled and dead, from their lies.

Here is the plan.  I will run every day.  I have too, I can't leave room for their running lawyers to say I didn't do it right.  I will run every day.  I've already had push back from the few runners I've enlightened,  though I would expect nothing less, OF COURSE they would tell me not to do it, OF COURSE they would tell me that going from a primarily sedimentary life style to a wildly rigorous one would be a bad idea, and I say, "THAT'S MY POINT!" if you body needs that much coaxing to do something, then don't make it do it!

So, I will run every day.  But for how long...?Okay, so today is the first of April, so I'll run everyday for a year...no, wait, seven years....no, then I will just be a runner and I MUST NOT let that happen...oh yes, my stupid sister-in-law (she's not that stupid, she just graduated from some east coast university, but I'm enjoying the venom of my righteousness) my STUPID sister in law said it takes one month for the body to really enjoy running...again, I'm sure I could get my body to enjoy being eaten by a crocodile if I gave it a month!

I will run every day for a month.  Perfect. But what about soreness? No doubt my rereading this post will fire me up with vengeance enough to run a thousand millennia, but when my legs are sore then I'm just useless. For reals, once I made my wife carry me up a flight of five stairs three days after a most exhausting walk up a trail in the mountains, you can read all about that calamity here.  Alright, so I will run everyday for a month, but just enough not to get sore.  I'm not going for quality here, I am going for the bare minimum here, just so I can check their check list (notice they don't actually have such a check list) and prove they are crazy zelots who lure unwitting fatties into their sugar free Kool-Aid drinking cult!  (I've never been on this side of a 'Cult' conversation, it's nice) A CULT!! Supported by running shoe corporations and jock strap manufactures... woah, do you think I need a jock strap? I've never had one...NO! BARE MINIMUM! That's my motto and that's what you can put on my tomb stone, that and 'It was the lies of runners that put him here! I hope you're happy.'

Alright, what time is it...8:41?! Good Heavens! Well, I can't run tonight, it's getting dark...or is it?!  That's what those runners would have me think!  I bet they are responsible for this daylight savings crap! I WILL RUN EVERY DAY!  I will run so you don't have too. Stay put my comrades, I will be the Trojan Horse they never see coming!  My only fear is that Men's Health doesn't pull a Tonya Harding on my, now, late night run.  Well, hope they can catch me! Of course they can catch me...I'm gonna have to wear all dark clothing and keep to the shadows.

Stay strong for me gentle readers! I will maintain a journal and keep you abreast of all the horrors which will undoubtedly follow.

I'm gonna have to shave my head.

And if you don't support this in anyway, then keep quiet.  We know you are a runner and just trying to quell the truth. If you have any pro running comments you can shove them here on Josh's, 'Thoughts on Running' post...though I've never read it myself. Who knows what kind of propaganda he's pitching over there?

Good news!  I may not have a Jock Strap but I did dig out my old dance belt... hang on...it sorta FITS! OKAY!! I'M OFF! START THE COUNT DOWN! ONE DAY DOWN!

Don't forget!!!

If you haven't already, don't forget to enter our giveaway for a set if Airbudz. They are the only ear bud tip that allows you to her your music and what going on around you at the same time. Go running with your favorite tunes and avoid getting hit by a low flying crop duster. Fold you laundry and hear your audiobook and the sounds if your kids fighting. Listen to your favorite podcast at church and still hear the sermon.

Their great and you'll love them. Follow the link below and leave a comment on the original post (not this post.) You have until Saturday to enter!

http://www.parttimeauthors.com/2013/02/giveaway-airbudz-by-safesound-products.html?m=0

Giveaway: Airbudz by SafeSound Products

You guys. I am super excited about this giveaway. Not only because I love giveaways (who doesn't?!) but because this is a product that I use and love.

Today we are giving away three (3!!) packs of Airbudz by SafeSound Products. I am a runner. And because running on the tiny track at the rec center with the senior citizens and their walkers makes me crazy, I am much happier and much more motivated when I can run outside. And when I run, I have to have my music (I have a lovely little play list called "Run, Tall Boy, Run!") But when you are outside with regular rubber tipped headphones, they block out TOO much sound. You want to be able to hear - cars passing, other runners coming up behind you, etc. 

Enter Airbudz. These little rubber tips replace the noise-blocking tips that come with your headphones. They have specially designed air channels that allow ambient noise to come in so you can still hear your music, but you can also hear that semi barrelling towards you. Or the zombie horde that is approaching from behind. When your run is done, the Airbudz easily pop off and you can put your regular noise cancelling tips back on. 

But they aren't just for runners. Let's say you like to listen to the Slate Culture Gabfest while you are folding the laundry. And even though you don't WANT to hear your kids, you feel like as a responsible parent, you should be able to keep an ear on them. Airbudz! You can still be culturally uplifted and distracted as you work, but if world war 3 breaks out upstairs (and you know it will) you won't totally be oblivious to it.  

They have been featured in CNET, USA Today, Wired and everyone loves them. I really do own and use the Airbudz and I love them, too. And so will you. And we, and the generous folks at SafeSound Product, are giving away 3 sets!

Here is what you get:

1. A pack of Airbudz in THE COLOR OF YOUR CHOICE. Go here to see the color options - I got the neon (because of course I did.)
2. Each pack contains 9 pairs of Airbudz. A pair of small, medium and large in each of the three colors. So you can pick the size that fits your ears the best and switch up the colors when the mood strikes you. Or I guess you could share them with your running partner if you are a nice person. (But don't get any bright ideas, Brian. I'm keeping all of mine.)
3. You also get the handy little carrying case pictured above. It's great to keep your extra Airbudz in and keep your noise cancelling tips when you are using you Airbudz. 

And here's how you can win:

1. Leave a comment on this post (not on the FB page. It has to be on this post.) Tell us how you plan on using your Airbudz if you win!
2. For a bonus entry: go to Facebook and like the Part Time Authors page. Leave a SEPARATE comment telling us you did that. (And if you already like the PTA page, just tell us that.)
3. And for another bonus entry: go to Facebook and like the SafeSound Products page. Your going to want to do that anyway to see what exciting products these guys come up with next. When you've done that, leave another SEPARATE comment on this post telling us that you liked the SafeSound page. 
4. You have until next Saturday (February 16th) to leave a comment. Winner's will be announced on Monday February 18th. 

It's important that each of your entries is a separate comment. When we pick a winner, we basically (literally) draw a comment out of a hat. So if you tell us in one comment that you did all three things, it will only count as one entry.

And be sure to share this post! Tell your friends! Get the word out about this great product. You will love it. I can't wait to pick the winners!

Disclosure: While SafeSound Products is providing the prizes for this giveway, the opinions expressed are all my own. I really do love this product. 

Thoughts on Running

So, I am a runner. I don't know why I feel sheepish admitting that. I am, for the record, not super fit. I ate two giant sugar cookies at lunch today, despite the fact that I am "doing Weight Watchers" right now. I just never want to be that kind of runner that rubs it in other peoples face that they are a runner. Or that tells everyone that they should become a runner.  I fully acknowledge that running is not for everyone. I never thought I would be a runner - I used to wonder why anyone would run if not being chased - and then a few years ago while looking for an easy and cheap way to work out while traveling for work, I took up running. It didn't require any special equipment and I could do it anywhere. First I thought I would never run a mile. Then I thought I would never be able to run 3. But I kept plugging away at it and found that it was actually pretty fun. I love it now. And I love that I know that my body can do difficult things. 

On the 24th, I ran my first official race. It was a 10k in Spanish Fork called The Speedy Spaniard. I had the day off work, and my brother's clinic was one of the sponsors and I thought, why not. I ran it with my sister Melissa and my brother Jared. It was the first race for any of us.

I was sort of amazed at the kind of people who show up to run these races. There are a lot of people out there who take running really seriously. Here is a random list of all the things that my sister and I made fun of while waiting at the starting line and as we ran:

• In the grand scheme of running, a 10K is not that far. It only takes about an hour. But there were people there who looked like they were setting out for a 300 mile run - compression leggings, hydra-packs, fanny packs full of Goo (which Melissa described as tasting like orange flavored astro-glide) pace trackers, GPS units. No one was being followed by a support van.
• There are apparently people at races who get to the venue and then RUN while waiting for the race to start. Like they are unaware that we are about to head out on a 6 mile run. They are just hardcore enough that they need to get in a few extra miles before the race starts.
• I have recently become one of those runners who wear the short-ish shorts. Mine end a few inches above my knee. I still feel slightly uncomfortable wearing them, but thought I would wear them to the Spaniard. I had no reason to feel awkward. I may have well been wearing a burkha for how covered up I was compared to the other runners. Despite the fact that the race started at 7 am and it was about 60 degrees that morning, there were a lot of guys there looking like this:

I mean, there is barely enough fabric to pin the number to.

• Lot's of people run with babies in strollers. I could barley get myself to the race by 6:30am, let alone my two toddlers. And it hurts pretty bad when the person pushing two kids in a giant double stroller passes you. 
• Also people running with dogs. Those dogs are so mad. They thought they were just going for a walk.
• Really pregnant women. In fact we were beat soundly by a woman who was probably in her 39th week. She was even wearing some sort of pregnant belly holster.
• If you did the Ragnar, it was a rule that you wore your ragnar t-shirt. We get it. Today you are only running a 10K but last month you ran the ragnar! We get it!
• One person who doesn't take running music seriously is my sister Melissa. I have a few running mixes I listen to. Mostly involving music that 13 year old girls like. But my sister Melissa claims to be too busy to make a running mix. So she just shuffles her whole iPod when she runs, which means inevitably she has to listen to Santa, Baby by Kellie Pickler on nearly every run. Rockin Around the Christmas Tree came up at least 3 times in our 10k. Which begs the question, how many versions of that song do you have on your iPod, Melissa?

So if you run any 10ks soon, keep an eye out and see how many of these things you spot. What? You don't run? Oh, you totally should. It's the greatest.

Look! I took 186th place!!