Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I hate Running...and 'ers.

Oh, you all know the type: once you were good friends, and you hung out a lot together at places with the words 'Hut' or 'O'Ramma' in the title and then something changed and they became distant and aloof. And then, after a time, they started looking at you with sort of a mix of pity and superior understanding....well, you guessed it, your friend is now a runner.

Yes, yes, it happens all the time, "Something just had to change," they say, "We're not 21 any more and I can't eat the way I used to." Well who cares, I say?! I'M still 21 and as long as I can have my Tums/Alka Seltzer cocktail I can eat whatever the beans I want...only not beans. And who asked you!?

Anyway, I'm sick of it.  Too many good friends have gone to the dark side...some of whom post on this blog. It's true, some of these guys, whose posts you skim every other day of the week, are runners. I won't name names, I am a professional, but you may have noticed that Josh gave away 'Earbuds' and not 'Milk Duds' on his giveaway.

So what to do about it?!  That is the question. I hate to complain with out a solution. Well, I have a scheme. I have to say I'm pretty excited about it.  It's cunning and devious in all the best ways. How can I possibly take those runners down from where I sit? I can't. They are much to quick. And so, in an effort to slap those smug self satisfied smiles straight off their faces, I'm getting off the couch.  I will run.  I will prove that the body's natural state is plump, stationary, and in flip flops.  I will dispel the myth that runners love the most, "Yeah, it was hard at first, but now my body craves it and I just can't get anything done until I've got my run in." HOGWASH!  Your body craves chunky peanut butter on a spoon, shoved into a half pound bag of milk chocolate chocolate chips! It does not crave running! Je deteste! And there is no other way to prove it than for me to run till blood spews from my eye sockets and I collapse, mangled and dead, from their lies.

Here is the plan.  I will run every day.  I have too, I can't leave room for their running lawyers to say I didn't do it right.  I will run every day.  I've already had push back from the few runners I've enlightened,  though I would expect nothing less, OF COURSE they would tell me not to do it, OF COURSE they would tell me that going from a primarily sedimentary life style to a wildly rigorous one would be a bad idea, and I say, "THAT'S MY POINT!" if you body needs that much coaxing to do something, then don't make it do it!

So, I will run every day.  But for how long...?Okay, so today is the first of April, so I'll run everyday for a year...no, wait, seven years....no, then I will just be a runner and I MUST NOT let that happen...oh yes, my stupid sister-in-law (she's not that stupid, she just graduated from some east coast university, but I'm enjoying the venom of my righteousness) my STUPID sister in law said it takes one month for the body to really enjoy running...again, I'm sure I could get my body to enjoy being eaten by a crocodile if I gave it a month!

I will run every day for a month.  Perfect. But what about soreness? No doubt my rereading this post will fire me up with vengeance enough to run a thousand millennia, but when my legs are sore then I'm just useless. For reals, once I made my wife carry me up a flight of five stairs three days after a most exhausting walk up a trail in the mountains, you can read all about that calamity here.  Alright, so I will run everyday for a month, but just enough not to get sore.  I'm not going for quality here, I am going for the bare minimum here, just so I can check their check list (notice they don't actually have such a check list) and prove they are crazy zelots who lure unwitting fatties into their sugar free Kool-Aid drinking cult!  (I've never been on this side of a 'Cult' conversation, it's nice) A CULT!! Supported by running shoe corporations and jock strap manufactures... woah, do you think I need a jock strap? I've never had one...NO! BARE MINIMUM! That's my motto and that's what you can put on my tomb stone, that and 'It was the lies of runners that put him here! I hope you're happy.'

Alright, what time is it...8:41?! Good Heavens! Well, I can't run tonight, it's getting dark...or is it?!  That's what those runners would have me think!  I bet they are responsible for this daylight savings crap! I WILL RUN EVERY DAY!  I will run so you don't have too. Stay put my comrades, I will be the Trojan Horse they never see coming!  My only fear is that Men's Health doesn't pull a Tonya Harding on my, now, late night run.  Well, hope they can catch me! Of course they can catch me...I'm gonna have to wear all dark clothing and keep to the shadows.

Stay strong for me gentle readers! I will maintain a journal and keep you abreast of all the horrors which will undoubtedly follow.

I'm gonna have to shave my head.

And if you don't support this in anyway, then keep quiet.  We know you are a runner and just trying to quell the truth. If you have any pro running comments you can shove them here on Josh's, 'Thoughts on Running' post...though I've never read it myself. Who knows what kind of propaganda he's pitching over there?

Good news!  I may not have a Jock Strap but I did dig out my old dance belt... hang on...it sorta FITS! OKAY!! I'M OFF! START THE COUNT DOWN! ONE DAY DOWN!

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