Thursday, April 18, 2013

This Would Cause My Divorce

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One thing that I love about my amazing wife is that she is pretty even-keeled. I'm the much more dramatic one who LOVES and HATES things and gets worked up about politics and has a temper. But my wife isn't that way. She's passionate, of course, but she doesn't let things bother her or get under her skin.

But there are two things that make her insanely, irrationally crazy. The first is the smell of spearmint. The second is gum. So as you can imagine, spearmint gum is pretty much her kryptonite. She hates its minty smell, the look of people chomping on it, the sound of it snapping in some one's jaw. When we were first married, she told me that if I was a gum chewer she would divorce me. I laughed -- but she wasn't kidding. It's like in her mind she can't comprehend how or why people would like chewing gum, or like the taste of spearmint. She thinks it's a conspiracy.

This week our oldest son got some sort of award at school where he got to pick a prize. And he picked -- wait for it -- a pack of Orbit Spearmint Gum. When he brought it home, I honestly acted like he had brought home plutonium. We immediately set ground rules - mom can never see you chewing this. The gum itself can never be left anywhere visible. You can only chew it outside and when you are done chewing it it has to immediately go in the trash. I think if my wife came across gum stuck to the floor of the kitchen, she would burn the house down and just start over. We keep the pack sealed in a Ziploc bag on the top shelf of the pantry. When my boy wants a piece he comes and whispers it to me so my wife doesn't hear. She knows he has the gum and knows where it is, but she doesn't want to be reminded of its existence.

So we live in a gum free household. And that's fine. I'm no particular fan of gum, either. This is sort of how I feel about dogs. I would never have one. I would never let my kids get one. And I know this is how Topher feels about bananas. (Spoiler: they make him vomit.) Do you have a kryptonite like this? Maybe you are staunchly pro-mayo vs. miracle whip? Perhaps you don't like Jordan Catalano and prefer Brian Krakow? Maybe you have a phobic fear of garlic. Or horror movies. Or house music. Or house dressing. Or the TV show House. Is there a deal breaker that could possibly end your marriage? Or are you content to just go on in your gum chewing, banana eating, dog petting, Miracle Whip spreading, Krakow loving, House listening, House watching life? Please share in the comments.

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