Wednesday, April 3, 2013

stay away!

I know I'm being a little Cassandra about this right now, but I want to urgently warn you: DO NOT GO SEE ANY MOVIES RIGHT NOW. Resist them. Save your money and hold your breath until I say so.

There are basically two periods of the year to see a movie: late May to August, and November to December. The first period is summer movies and the second period is Oscar season. You are generally assured of some quality entertainment. The rest of the year? Dumping grounds. I'm not kidding. Going to a movie in March or April is like scavenging for food in The Road. You will search and search and you will only find pits of gravel and the occasional scratchy tin can of peaches. You've been warned.

I remember so many of my friends were super excited about that Gangster Squad movie. Looked so sexy and decadent! What a cast! What could go wrong? Answer: everything went wrong. And once I saw the January release date I knew it was going to go over like a pregnant hurdler. You can't actually pay me to set foot in a Cinemaplex in January. Every movie is going to be teens with magic powers or something Mark Wahlberg pooped out. There's going to be some movie with a hot wife who gets kidnapped by the mob and her awesome-sauce husband who will stop at nothing to get her back. There's likely to be a fairy tale story updated to be empowering and booty kickin'. Also, something with Brendan Fraser. You will want to burn your eyes and divorce your spouse.

Interested in what's playing now? How about GI Joe: Retaliation? Anyone tempted by Tyler Perry's Temptation? Please, by all means, give The Host a shot. You hate yourself, right? You like to light dollar bills on fire, yes?

Honestly, just hold on. The light will come. It's almost Memorial Day and you'll get to see Iron Man 3 and The Great Gatsby and Star Trek: Into Darkness. You know, movies the studios actually spent money on. Please don't catch yourself going to see something because it "looks cute" or your "mom liked it." We are in an economic downturn, people! You can't afford this! In the meantime you have a Bible miniseries on the DVR and that BBC Midwife show you want to hurry and watch so you can tell everyone you were the first person to watch it before it turned into Downton Abbey.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...