Name Dropping Like It's Hot!

Ya know, watching the Oscars was so fun, I mean, isn't Ellen just the best...that selfie?! Common!  Isn't it funny how you watch something and then you think that the people in it are sort of your friends and you kind of miss them after it's over.  It was like that selfie was stuffed full of all my dumb friends (and Lupitia's brother) who are all out having this super awesome night and I had to stay home and do Algebra...more likely they were just driving down by Utah Lake but they wanted me to think they were having a super awesome time so they were all really-hard-laughing when Bradley took the picture so I'd feel left out...well I did.

It's funny to think of Celebrities as normal people.  They don't fly or anything, they poop just like the rest of us (Meryl) and yet, they transcend.  Somehow and ridiculously they transcend.

So, in an effort to knock them down to size...or perhaps to elevate me to their level, I now present my list of celebrity interactions.  All of them true but in no particular order only that of my remembering them:

• I saw Victor Garber shopping in a Mall in LA.
• I sat on a the floor of a stage Cate Blanchett was performing on. (It shouldn't count but I was on the floor looking at her feet which were two feet away! Pun given and intended.)
• I saw Frances McDormand in the lobby of that same play.
• Also Either Joel or Ethan Coen, which ever one is married to Frances McDormand.
• I helped Angela Lansbury pick out pillows at Pier 1.
• I saw Sean Hayes buying a pretzel in a mall in LA and I got in line behind him and did the only thing a person can do when so extremely close...I sniffed his neck.
• I met Jane Krakowski and her mother at a party in NYC.
• I sang a song at Lance Bass' birthday party...he didn't seem super impressed.
• Ryan Gosling told me I was F@#$%ing amazing after seeing me in a play I was in...he did seem super impressed.
• I've done improv with both- Kirby Hayborn and Will Swenson...who is now married to Audra McDonald who I saw in concert once.
• I'm in a Book Club with Lisa Valentine Clark who was listed as one of the '100 Coolest Mormon Women Alive Today' and is currently on the cover of Utah Valley Magazine...also, our book club is closed.
• I was once at a party with Chloe Sevengy, TR Knight, Ellen Green, Mamie Gummer, Barbara Cook, Zachary Quinto, Guy from ugly Betty, Andrea Martin, Sean Hayes, Kristin Chenoweth, the guy who played Will's boyfriend on Will and Grace for a little bit, Steven Schwartz (wrote Wicked) Stephanie Seymour, Cheyenne Jackson, Kelli O'hara, Mo Rocca, Lee Pace, John Stamos, Brooke Shields,Tori Spellings mom, Ace Young, Alfred Molina, and Alan Cumming... I know this because instead of doing anything else at the party I walked around with my phone and made a horribly spelled list so I would never forget never talking to these people.
• I saw Tina Faye's back.
• I once met Sean Hayes and told him that I sniffed his neck in a mall in LA.
• I ripped my pants in front of Mariah Carey, who looked me up and down and then said to her two huge bodyguards, "Oh no." then crossed the street.
• I said hello to Kate Winslet at an Anthropologie in NYC.
• I started a fitting room for Amy Poehler at an Anthropologie in NYC.
• I went on a date with the girl from Major Dad...only one.
• Heath Ledger once gave my wife a knowing head nod right in front of me.
• I got hamburgers with Kathy Griffin. 
• Ryan Gosling came back to see my play a second time and again told me I was great using multiple expletives.
• I chased after Ty Burrell only to catch up to him and then address his daughter by name even though we'd never met.
• I met Sean Hayes a third time and gave him a copy of the New York Times review of a play I was in where they stated, "Livingston gave a good Sean Hayes-ian performance."

Needless to say, they are all chumps, all these people passing in and out of my life and has one...even one called me back?!!!

No.

Whatever...


Sean if you're reading this, just leave your phone number in the comments section on Facebook and I call you as soon as I can.


Oh yeah,

• Sean Hayes asked me in front of my wife if I was straight.

what to talk about at your oscar party, 2013

Hello, everyone! Can you believe it's that magical time of year again? Can you smell the greasepaint and feel the nerves emanating from Hollywood? Can you hear that little pixie Anne Hathaway nervously practicing her acceptance speech so it sounds completely unrehearsed and spontaneous? From the four corners of the earth, the shallow winds pronounce the word: it's Oscar time!

I have some troubling news. I will not be watching the telecast from my usual armchair this year. I will be in St. Louis visiting my parents. I have no doubt that my mom will want to watch the show with me, but she's a mission president so I don't think she's seen any of the movies and I'm worried she will just fixate on all the boobs, boobs, boobs. I know I do. But I keep it to myself.

Anyway, for those of you gathering together in little nests of gossip and sneering this Sunday night, I bid you l'Chaim! I will miss you. And for those of you with babies and toddlers who didn't get to see a damn movie this year and are unsure of what to talk about at your party, here are some thoughts:

1. Seth MacFarlane is hosting. He sings like a crooner and does lots of funny voices. Most people have no idea who he is. You do. Quick! Go here.

2. Did you know that the Best Actress category contains the oldest ever nominee (some french lady) and the youngest ever nominee (a little Cajun girl)? Tell everyone that. They love trivia! They'll beg for more. Just raise an eyebrow or give everyone a sly wink. They don't have to know that you don't have any more trivia.

3. Here are what the nominated movies are about:

Amour: A french lady gets really old and dies.

Argo: Some people in the 1970's sneak out of Iran by pretending to make a movie. They wear huge sunglasses and Naugahyde jackets and sweat nervously.

Beasts of the Southern Wild: Some hipsters move to an island south of New Orleans, where a little girl blows up a levee and slow dances with some hookers.

Django Unchained: Quentin Tarantino!

Les Miserables: A cast of eight movie stars all take turns auditioning for an Oscar, resulting in lots of closeups of crying, singing, and snotting. It's all set in the magical world of France.

Life of Pi: An Indian boy shares a lifeboat with a tiger, but if you want the REAL scoop on this movie, you should ask my friend.

Lincoln: Everyone is crazy about Daniel Day-Lewis' performance as our 16th president, especially Mary Todd Lincoln, played with adequate hand-wringing by Sally Field. Tommy Lee Jones also shows up to fart around.

Silver Linings Playbook: All the cool people in Hollywood got together to make a movie! It's about disabilities. Bradley Cooper turns his handicap into a handicapability: he can dance! Also stars Katniss Everdeen.

Zero Dark Thirty: In a movie full of surprise bomb explosions every ten minutes, Jessica Chastain tortures Al-Quaeda detainees until they literally poop their pants.

4. This is the year to talk about "how edgy independent films are giving the big budget films a run for their money." Wait, we talk about that every year!

5. Did I mention Anne Hathaway? She's going to win. And she will give the most ridiculous, humble-braggy, high school drama girl speech on human record. Please don't fight me on this.

6. You can also bet on Daniel Day-Lewis. He's a shoo in. Or should I say, shoot in?

7. For my money, the best picture of 2012 was Skyfall. But we don't get to vote for that. I also liked The Master, which we don't get to vote for, either. So of the list we DO get to vote from, I pick Argo. It was a nail-biter!

8. If there's a lull in conversation, bring up how neither Ben Affleck or Kathryn Bigelow got nominated for Best Director, even though both of their movies are up for Best Picture. It was a huge shocker. People will be amazed that you know stuff like this! They'll beg you for more juicy trivia! You don't have any. Just smirk to yourself and bite into a giant chip.

9. Don't go on and on about ladies' dresses. Man, that gets old!

10. Look for my good friend Jenny Latimer. She's singing back-up for the Les Mis sequence. She'll be wearing an immodest black dress and standing stage left. When the time comes, she will shoot an arrow into the back of Amanda Seyfried's head.

Stincoln Lincoln

So the Oscar noms are out. Shrug. I used to get so excited for them. And I'm still excited when great lesser known or attended films get recognized. Mostly when I looked at the nominations this time, I saw only one thing:
LINCOLN.

Faarrrrrrrrrttt.

Sorry. I'll explain. I didn't hate LINCOLN. I thought it was beautifully shot, mostly well-acted, and had an inspirational first scene and last 15 minutes. It was still good enough to fall right in the middle of the pack of movies I saw this year. But it was boring.

Here's the scene breakdown in my mind when I recall my viewing experience of LINCOLN (spoilers):

EXT. CIVIL WAR BATTLEFIELD - NIGHT
Soldiers take turns telling Lincoln how awesome he is. Boy are white and black soldiers different! Every Union soldier memorized the Gettysburg address.

INT. LINCOLN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Discussion about the Civil War that includes 3-7 old white men.
INT. LINCOLN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lincoln argues with a harpy that resembles Sally Field.
INT. LINCOLN'S OFFICE - DAY
Discussion about the 13th Amendment that includes 3-7 old white men.
INT. LINCOLN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lincoln argues with a banshee that resembles Sally Field.
EXT. CIVIL WAR BATTLEFIELD - DAY
Lincoln rides a horse slowly through carnage (pictured).
INT. CONGRESS - DAY
Argument about the 13th Amendment between a whole gaggle of old white guys.
INT. LINCOLN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Discussion about the questionable tactics to get votes that includes 3-7 old white men.
INT. LINCOLN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lincoln argues with a hound that resembles Sally Field.
INT. LINCOLN'S KITCHEN - DAY
Discussion about the state and federal law that includes 3-7 old white men and a melted wax figure that resembles Tommy Lee Jones.
INT. LINCOLN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lincoln argues with a troll that resembles Sally Field.
INT. CONGRESS - DAY
Argument about the 13th Amendment between a whole coven of old white guys.
INT. LINCOLN'S STUDY - DAY
Lincoln has some sons and one of them resents his neglect even though he's passing a really important amendment.
INT. CONGRESS - DAY
It passed! The 13th Amendment passed!
INT. THEATER - NIGHT
Nope! Not that theater! We hear of Lincolns assassination second hand. We feel really bad for his son but then a little relieved he was seeing something else.
INT. LINCOLN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lincoln is dead.
THE END.

...

Anyway, what did you think of this year's Oscar darling?