what to talk about at your oscar party, 2013

Hello, everyone! Can you believe it's that magical time of year again? Can you smell the greasepaint and feel the nerves emanating from Hollywood? Can you hear that little pixie Anne Hathaway nervously practicing her acceptance speech so it sounds completely unrehearsed and spontaneous? From the four corners of the earth, the shallow winds pronounce the word: it's Oscar time!

I have some troubling news. I will not be watching the telecast from my usual armchair this year. I will be in St. Louis visiting my parents. I have no doubt that my mom will want to watch the show with me, but she's a mission president so I don't think she's seen any of the movies and I'm worried she will just fixate on all the boobs, boobs, boobs. I know I do. But I keep it to myself.

Anyway, for those of you gathering together in little nests of gossip and sneering this Sunday night, I bid you l'Chaim! I will miss you. And for those of you with babies and toddlers who didn't get to see a damn movie this year and are unsure of what to talk about at your party, here are some thoughts:

1. Seth MacFarlane is hosting. He sings like a crooner and does lots of funny voices. Most people have no idea who he is. You do. Quick! Go here.

2. Did you know that the Best Actress category contains the oldest ever nominee (some french lady) and the youngest ever nominee (a little Cajun girl)? Tell everyone that. They love trivia! They'll beg for more. Just raise an eyebrow or give everyone a sly wink. They don't have to know that you don't have any more trivia.

3. Here are what the nominated movies are about:

Amour: A french lady gets really old and dies.

Argo: Some people in the 1970's sneak out of Iran by pretending to make a movie. They wear huge sunglasses and Naugahyde jackets and sweat nervously.

Beasts of the Southern Wild: Some hipsters move to an island south of New Orleans, where a little girl blows up a levee and slow dances with some hookers.

Django Unchained: Quentin Tarantino!

Les Miserables: A cast of eight movie stars all take turns auditioning for an Oscar, resulting in lots of closeups of crying, singing, and snotting. It's all set in the magical world of France.

Life of Pi: An Indian boy shares a lifeboat with a tiger, but if you want the REAL scoop on this movie, you should ask my friend.

Lincoln: Everyone is crazy about Daniel Day-Lewis' performance as our 16th president, especially Mary Todd Lincoln, played with adequate hand-wringing by Sally Field. Tommy Lee Jones also shows up to fart around.

Silver Linings Playbook: All the cool people in Hollywood got together to make a movie! It's about disabilities. Bradley Cooper turns his handicap into a handicapability: he can dance! Also stars Katniss Everdeen.

Zero Dark Thirty: In a movie full of surprise bomb explosions every ten minutes, Jessica Chastain tortures Al-Quaeda detainees until they literally poop their pants.

4. This is the year to talk about "how edgy independent films are giving the big budget films a run for their money." Wait, we talk about that every year!

5. Did I mention Anne Hathaway? She's going to win. And she will give the most ridiculous, humble-braggy, high school drama girl speech on human record. Please don't fight me on this.

6. You can also bet on Daniel Day-Lewis. He's a shoo in. Or should I say, shoot in?

7. For my money, the best picture of 2012 was Skyfall. But we don't get to vote for that. I also liked The Master, which we don't get to vote for, either. So of the list we DO get to vote from, I pick Argo. It was a nail-biter!

8. If there's a lull in conversation, bring up how neither Ben Affleck or Kathryn Bigelow got nominated for Best Director, even though both of their movies are up for Best Picture. It was a huge shocker. People will be amazed that you know stuff like this! They'll beg you for more juicy trivia! You don't have any. Just smirk to yourself and bite into a giant chip.

9. Don't go on and on about ladies' dresses. Man, that gets old!

10. Look for my good friend Jenny Latimer. She's singing back-up for the Les Mis sequence. She'll be wearing an immodest black dress and standing stage left. When the time comes, she will shoot an arrow into the back of Amanda Seyfried's head.

my les mis review!

The people from Guinness just called to let me know that I am now, officially, the last human being alive who  has not seen the new Les Miserables movie. Are you surprised? I am. I thought I would have seen it a week ago. But truth be told, the holidays were busy and I only got one night off to see a movie, and I chose Django Unchained, which was amazing and which I do not regret.

Luckily, 4000 of my dearest friends, relatives, and neighbors saw it and everyone seemed super excited weigh in on Facebook. I know you know what I'm talking about. Did you hear the people sing? Facebook exploded in reds and blacks last week, and everyone seemed to have an opinion crying out to share. So, having thoroughly read them all, I would like to now write for you my own review of Les Miserables, based on everything I heard and read last week.

Les Miserables is sweeping and epic! It will seriously blow your mind. Take whatever expectations you had, double them, and prepare to be blown out of your seat. Except it's not as good as I expected. In fact, it was weird seeing it on screen. It doesn't really work as a movie; they should have left it on stage! I hate when Hollywood comes along, steals a Broadway classic, and tries to make a film out of it. You just can't capture theatrical magic.

I thought the singing was amazing. I'm so glad they cast actors who can ACTUALLY sing! Except most of them. I thought some of them were fine, but a few of them were way off! They couldn't hold a note in a bucket if they had to. Why does Hollywood keep casting these people who can't sing and expect us to like it? I hate when people can't sing. I actually loved how the director had the actors singing live! What a cool idea. Except it didn't really work. Everyone talked through their songs and nobody sang! WTF?

Hugh Jackman was amazing. His voice was incredible. Except it was a little nasal and I got tired of it halfway through. I liked his make-up a lot. They made him get older! Anne Hathaway was INCREDIBLE. She'll get an Oscar for sure. She was by far the strongest performance in the show. But I thought she pushed it a little. She was trying way too hard. Sometimes she cried too much. Good try, Anne Hathaway! Amanda Seyfried was perfect for Cosette, she sings like a tweety bird. Eddie Redmayne shakes his jaw too much. I loved Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter as the Thenardiers! They were so over the top! I loved it. Except I feel like they were holding back. They could have gone way farther with it. Why so subtle? And so gross! Could you believe how gross they were? It was way worse than it was onstage. They could have gone way farther.

(At this point I reveal that no one, NO ONE, said one word about Eponine. I can't review her. Literally nobody has mentioned her. Was she in it?)

Russell Crowe was the WORST part of this movie. I liked the whole thing except Russell Crowe. He can't sing and he was just all growly the whole time. I thought he did a beautiful job showing the hidden pain of Javert, though. And I liked how he kept his character so militant and controlled. He's such a fantastic actor. Too bad he's the worst part of this movie and I don't even want to think about how bad he was! He did an OK job, though.

Basically, to recap, Les Miserables is amazing and sweeping and you will cry. You will cry and cry and cry. It will move you! It didn't move me at all, but that's just how I am. I like the stage play way better. The movie will change your life, though. Honestly. You won't stop thinking about it for days. Unless you are thinking about how disappointed you were. You might like it. It's pretty good. It was way better when my high school did it.