Wrapped Around My Little Girl's Finger

Can anyone say "No" to that face?

Lately we have been using a website at our house called MyJobChart.com. The idea is pretty simple: you assign jobs to your kids. When they complete them they log in and check them off. Each job is worth points. Maybe 10 points for getting your homework done, or 15 points for loading the dishwasher after dinner. Then, your kids can cash in their points for rewards. There are a bunch of preloaded rewards, or you can make them up. You can even pick a toy from Amazon and then order it right from the site when your kids earn it.

We've been using it for about 3 or 4 weeks and it has been great. The kids have gotten pretty good and setting and clearing the table, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the family room before bed, etc. It still requires a lot of micro-managing (honestly, do kids just not see messes? When I point to the 55 pieces of trash on the ground and say "Now someone pick up all the paper on the floor" and all of my kids say "What paper?" I just don't get it.) but I feel like our kids are learning some responsibility, and the house is a little cleaner (and Amy and I don't have to do it all.)

We've gotten to the point now where the kids have enough points to start redeeming them for prizes. My boys, of course, wanted lame things like new texture packs for Minecraft or some virtual coins so they can download new Pokemon for Pokemon Tower Defense. But when Lulu, my 4 year old daughter, saw that one of the rewards was "Date with Daddy" she immediately declared that that was what she was saving up for. I mean, if that doesn't melt your heart, what does? She could get a new small toy, or a trip to the pool or whatever, but she wants to spend the day with me.

So today was the day to cash in. And I felt like because she had worked so hard and saved her points and been so good and agreeable about doing her chores, we needed to do something funner than just a trip to the McDonald's playland. So we went to lunch and then to the Zoo. As we were getting ready to leave, I said to her "Should we have Mom come to Lunch with us and then you and I can go to the zoo for our date?" and there was a long awkward pause. She answered "Um, let's just start our date now and go to lunch with just us."

I've joked before that Lulu is my favorite. She's not really, even though she is by far our easiest kid to raise (and don't tell me she'll be a terror when she is a teenager. I refuse to believe it.) My boys are amazing - funny, sensitive, smart, energetic. I think the world of them.

Honestly: when did she get so cool? Clearly I am the Nerdy Dad in this picture. 

But when you are a Dad and you have a daughter, there is just something different about that relationship. She's my baby and always will be. And I never want her to not be the smiling happy little girl she is now. Part of it is that I know that there are so many forces out in the world that are going to try and make her feel small. So I want her to know, no matter what, that she is loved, safe and important. And part of it is that I don't want her to date (or marry) a jerk so I want her to think I am the most awesome person ever so that any lame hipster dude named Blaze or Kagen who wants to date her has big shoes to fill. And I just like to make her laugh and smile. Which is why we rode the Carousel two times today. (Also, because she really wanted to get the zebra and she didn't get the zebra the first time.)

Yes, I am a pushover. And yes, Lulu's 500 point reward cost about 5 times what her brothers' 500 point rewards cost. But she's my little girl. And I wanted her to have a great day, and we did. And I realize that some day she probably will think I am lame and ridiculous (please see above photo for reference) so I should try and have as many of these kids of days as I can while they last. Even if I pretend she has to "earn" them by picking up the 55 pieces of paper left on the family room floor. Seriously, does no one see those things but me?

a miracle!

I believe in small miracles and I enjoy sharing them with others. I think that they can really give people hope amidst an economic crisis, catastrophic weather, and the current Justin Bieber melt-down. There really are angels among us, you guys! Let me tell you how I know.

Last week Lisa and I took a trip to Palm Springs with my brother Jesse, his wife Lindsay, and my cousin Scott and his wife Angerie. Scott is made of money and Jesse likes to golf, which means he must have money, and that leaves me: a college professor! You connect the dots. Anyway, Palm Springs is a beautiful place but it's not exactly welcoming to beardy hipsters, which I'm not, but look like. Most people thought I was Zach Galifianakis and lots of people took my picture.

One night my rich cousin and my wealthy brother decided we would all go to a steak house for dinner. It sounded great to me and Lisa. Sizzler, anyone? No, we would be going to a super fancy place for people who wear Cold Water Creek and Tommy Bahamas. I knew when I flipped open the menu that I was going to be really paying for that steak, and I heard Lisa mutter something under her breath about food stamps.

Please understand that we're not that poor. I'm not pleading poverty here. I'm not on the streets. I'm not Fantine or something. I make a good wage, but I'm a notorious miser sometimes. I could enjoy a simple night at Chipotle and feel on top of my game. But I also don't want to be the guy who grouches about how much his meal costs, so I stayed silent and just hoped that somehow it would all work out.

And then the most amazing thing happened!!! The waiter brought in a basket full of piping hot garlic rolls and I was all handsy and gluttonous and popped about four in my mouth. Midway through my fifth, I felt a strong crack on my back molar followed by the feeling of grisly ash. I felt something hard rolling around the back of my throat and sure enough! It was a shard of glass. You guessed it!

I summoned the waiter over and told him that I had found a smallish piece of glass in my garlic roll, but I assured him I was OK. I wasn't a big jerk about it, even though I could have been. I knew my luck was changing! The waiter's eyes got really round and then he disappeared into the kitchen. Soon enough the manager came out and knelt down by me and talked to me very quietly. I will not reveal the details of this conversation, but I will finish by letting you all know that not only did I get a free dessert out of this whole thing, but so did the whole table! I was the man of the hour. All because I never gave up hope.

Let Me Cut Your Hair.

First off, let's just start by thanking Ken for his thought-provoking and turbulent post about me yesterday; he also named the other guys who write for this blog, but if you were me, or my mom, you stopped reading after my paragraph.  But here's the thing: not only am I a playwright and a songsmith, but I can also cut your hair...almost legally.

Once, when I was 21 and fresh-faced and fancy-free, I found myself wandering the halls of my local community college wondering how far my 'Intro to Music' and 'Film' classes would take me.  I was halfway though the semester and it was clear that I would not be passing either one, only because when I say wandering the halls of my local community college I mean lying face down in my pillow at noon.  So college was going to be a lot like high school, only they don't care if you come to class in college, because they want to charge you to take it again...it's okay to fail as long as you keep trying.

At some point, I must have gotten out of bed to get a haircut, 'cause I was at my friend's new studio getting my hair cut.  And you know how it is in a Salon, you're chatting and you're making the ladies laugh and they are all smiling at you and rubbing your head with fancy smelling potions and then boom, you find yourself interning as an apprentice sweeping up strangers' hair but getting an education.

It was great!  My dear friend from high school had recently gotten into the hair game, and somehow I convinced her to let me hang out the studio and do stuff.  Turns out if you hang out and do stuff long enough, you get a hair license and can charge people to ruin their lives.  With my academic career freshly flushed down the toilet, I was grateful for the focus my life had taken.     

It might have been four months, it might have been a year; as most of you know, there is no time at the hair salon.  But I sorta worked and I sorta cleaned and I sorta can now cut, dye, and blow out your hair.  Eventually, Pier 1 realized what an amazing and dynamic leader I was and they offered me full time employment and I had to choose: hanging out with the girls at the shop (which is also the premise of my TV sitcom vehicle that will one day make me my millions) or take a job that paid me.

Though it was short lived, I did learn enough to be the sole hair artist for my wife.  Though there are guys out there who would scoff, that decision alone has literally saved me thousands upon thousands of dollars. Wait, no really, ten years of free hair.  How much does a woman spend on hair in ten years?

I have real good stories from those days. Once, I ran a comb through my hair only to find out it was a texturing comb that cut my hair off exactly where I began combing... the root, at the front of my hair line.  Loads of others too, about mixing dyes, and spraying myself and my client and some other girl client with the shampooing hose that shot off like a furious cobra that had to be wrangled.  Nothing is as funny as ineptitude in a hair salon.

As for cutting your hair, well you take your hair into your own hands (sometimes literally). And because I am not licensed, I call myself a hair artist. An artist does not need to be fully trained or need to be sanctioned by the state. No. And I am neither. Also, like an artist I charge exorbitant fees and don't take direction.  When I'm done, then that's what I meant to do, and I don't really want to hear your thoughts on my art.  If you want to give your thoughts then you can take them over at Fantastic Sam's...they'd love to hear them.

Please leave your personal contact information in the Comments and a picture of your current hair mistake.  I will get to you on a need to save basis.

Thanks.

Kudos and High Praise

Just for today, please allow me the indulgence of bragging about my friends. Specifically, the rest of the Part Time Authors. I’m kind of proud to know these guys, despite the fact that associating with them is intimidating and talent-wise, I am the slightly-less attractive, nobody’s-favorite guy in every boy band.

 That's me in the middle. 

Blondie on the right, back. 

I'm pretty sure I'm the guy in the back, on the left. 

Let’s go in order of our posting schedule, shall we?

Patrick. (You know him as Tuesdays.)  Did you know Patrick once wrote an off-off- OFF-Broadway musical? Well, me neither! It was called R.R.R.E.D. and it played in L.A. and N.Y. I found this out a few months back. I was so embarrassed I didn't know this earlier! Patrick and I have been good friends for forever! Well, technically, not forever. We hung out a LOT and produced some truly fantastic plays together in the Premortal Life, but then, due to creative differences, we spent the first half of our mortal lives apart. But now…now he is a joy to behold. I love listening to Patrick sing and play the piano. He is tremendously talented and blends comedy and poignancy beautifully.  At Christmastime we heard him perform with his trio, The Tuesday Night Supper Club. It was delightful. My favorite was an original song Patrick wrote about Dancer, the reindeer. It was called “Dancer, the Reindeer.” Or maybe just “Dancer.” Or maybe “Not Prancer.” I’m not sure. Patrick is so artsy, his choices are sometimes confounding. The song has fast become one of my favorites. I don’t want to give it away, but I will say that it is hilarious, and at the exact same time, it will break your heart. I wish the whole world could hear it. Patrick also wrote a song for a play his lovely wife, Lindsay, just produced and directed at BYU. The play was incredible, and so is Lindsay. Together, they are a force to be reckoned with.

Chris. I've known Chris the longest, of all the PTAs. We were friends back in college, before any of us were married and it was not a problem at all to eat a full meal at Village Inn at 2:00 in the morning. And one of my favorite things about Chris, from the first day we were friends, was that he could grow a beard overnight. Well, not really. (He CAN, that’s just not my favorite thing about him.) (It’s my third favorite thing.) Sincerely, it was his creativity and his confidence in building a career where he could specifically use that talent. Chris is a renowned and highly-sought-after director now, and it is my goal to see anything he directs. And regarding his amazingness, you don’t have to take my word for it. The man just swept a national theater award competition, the Kennedy Center American College Theater Festival. You can readall about it right here. He’s kind of a big deal. Congratulations, Chris! I am so pleased, and you absolutely deserve it. 

Josh. Josh is a magnificent storyteller and prolific writer. Conversations with Josh are some of the most entertaining you can ever have. And they are especially delightful if you are eating something – something he himself has made. Once last year, when I was still living in Las Vegas, I came up to Utah for work and Josh invited me over for dinner. I don’t remember the details, but his day ended up not going the way he had planned. So I showed up to eat, and he was frantic, and I was not going to let him off the hook, so he whipped up this dinner, and – I’m not kidding – it was amazing. Like, he didn't have a recipe in front of him, he was just kind of off the hook, “Oh, I made this thing once that I think I can do pretty quick,” and it was like a movie with pots and pans clanking and stirring utensils in them and flames and buzzers going off. And suddenly there was this delicious spinach salad with bacon and I think an egg on noodles and he acted like he needed to apologize and I was like, “Are you KIDDING ME?!” If he had shown up at my house like that and my day had gone like his, then he would have enjoyed a singular bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats. (With toast and a glass of juice, part of a balanced breakfast and/or dinner. I mean, I’m not an animal.) My point, Josh is a fantastic cook; I envy his instincts, and I’m grateful when he shares it with his friends.

Brett. As you read last week, Brett is in a movie! Yeah Brett! I've seen Brett perform, and he is sensational. There is this mountain of creativity percolating in Brett’s mind at all times. He is very still and relaxed on the outside, so as to disguise his genius. Then you are sitting there trying to come up with an idea or a story line or something – and Brett speaks, and he just nails it. Whatever it is. He is a versatile actor and, as it is with Chris, I would try to see whatever production Brett is performing in. 

Thank you for letting me brag about my friends. I just think they deserve great things. 

BREAKING NEWS: I Get to Be in a Movie

Guys. I can't write much this week because I'm totally going to be famous. (Jk.)

But, this is exclusive, ya'll. I did just get offered the role of Agent Knight in Inspired Guns (click here and Like the page, please). It has an estimated release date of ... sometime in 2014. Of course, if the producers don't want me to leak this, my post will mysteriously vanish until it's approved. Scandal!

I don't know much about the movie itself. I have the script but, to be honest, I've only read my lines so far. There are about 30-35 of them, er, 135 or 1,035 or something. It's the most lines I've had in a movie part in my 7 year film acting career. Pretty cool. I feel like a Christopher Clark! My character is an eager, aloof, clueless, goof. Or, as my sister said, "Typecasting!" The plot involves missionaries, Mormons, mafia, hitmen, and feds. Crazy hijinks will def ensue.

Anyway, I'm very excited. For real. It shoots throughout May (for now). I'll have to take vacation time to do it because I have a 9-5 job to hold down that doesn't give away days off like candy. I may actually have to work remotely a tad. All for the art. All for the process.

I auditioned 3 times for it and it was a good experience. Let me share with you why I think I got the part:

1. I showed up on time for my appointments.
2. I was memorized, never needing to look at the sides while reading.
3. I made choices with the role and tried something different.
4. I took direction when given direction. ("Too slow. Speed it up this time.")
5. I was close to what they already had in mind.
6. I took inspiration from Andy Dwyer aka Bert Macklin:



Anyway, wish me luck. I'll post updates as I am allowed if you think it will be fun and/or interesting.

How to Have a Winning Book Club

You too can have a book club this fun!

I have very little social life. With work and blogging and going to the gym and getting the kids to scouts  (Blerg!) and dance class and gymnastics it just seems like hanging out with friends is so low on the list that "buying light bulbs at Target" often seems to take precedence. I typically only see my friends once a month at our Book Club. And every month I thank my lucky stars for it. You see, when you vaguely have some ideas about "we should all get together soon" with your friends, it will never happen. (Those light bulbs won't buy themselves!) But if you have something on your calendar, something that involves great food, great conversation and an excuse to buy a new book, it gets you out of the house.

In my life, I have been involved in starting many book clubs and they always fail. People get busy, the books are lame, no one reads anything. When Amy and I moved to Oregon our friend Chanel started a book club. We met every month with that book club the whole time we lived there. And when we moved back to Utah we created a similar book club and have met every month since. That's 5 straight years of book clubbing, y'all! And I think having some rules and structure makes it easier to be successful.

My friend Kacy (who is in my book club) has already blogged about some of her rules, and I think she hit some key ones (Mainly: have good food. It's the best part of book club.) Here are a few that I think are key:

• Have a different person choose the book each month. You can draw names or have a rotation. The person who choose the book is in charge of hosting book club and leading the discussion.
• You can only choose books that no one has read. (We will make an exception if only 1 or 2 people have read the book.) This way you avoid the problem of someone choosing "their favorite book" and then having everyone else hate it. If someone chooses a terrible book (and it is usually me) no one's feelings are hurt. I have friends in other book clubs who have been called names because they didn't like someones favorite book enough.
• Books can be no longer than 300-350 pages. We are all busy people. If someone chooses a 600 page book it feels a little overwhelming. You don't want book club to be a chore! But if the book is 275 pages, even if you don't start it until late in the month you feel like you can get through it. 
• Choose the date for the next book club before you go home for the night. Anytime we forget to set the date and try to do it later it starts a string of emails where people suggest dates and then other people reply that that date doesn't work for them and what about a different date? And then some people don't reply either way. And then some people don't really read the emails and think we're talking about a different date. It's always easier if the date is set in stone before everyone goes home.
• Make enough food that people can go home with leftovers. It's fun to be sitting in church the next day and get texts saying thing like "These runzas are even better the next day!" or "Just getting ready for my Sunday nap but first I am eating some leftover smoked chicken!" It's like a part of book club continues until the next afternoon. 

So there you have it. All you have to do is have some rules, read some books and make some amazing food and you too can have a book club. Trust me, when you are sitting through that terrifying Cub Scout court of honor where someone is wearing a slightly racist Native American costume as he hands out Arrows of Light, you'll be glad that you have something on the calendar to look forward to. 

Some of our book club selections that Patrick arranged artfully on his end table. Patrick does everything artfully. 

three

 

When I was three we lived in Littleton, Colorado, and I remember very little of it. My memories of this age come and go in little flashes. But here's some of what I remember:

I had a my third birthday party at a Mexican Restaurant called Casa Bonita in Denver. It was a family-style restaurant, and I seem to remember that you ate around a giant swimming pool. People would cliff dive and do tricks in the pool while you ate. There was a show where a lady in a torn bikini came screaming out of a cave onto a diving board and dove into the pool, followed immediately by a man dressed as an ape. He would pound his chest and holler. I was so scared of that ape!

We had a babysitter that we hated. There was a canal near our house. My best friend Stevie Labo and I tried to make a quicksand trap down there to kill her.

I used to randomly walk around the neighborhood. We did things like that back then. We randomly walked around the neighborhood and spent time around canals and ditches and nobody seemed to freak out about it like they do today. Somehow I ended up at the house across the street. The woman there was very sweet and welcoming and offered me some oreos, which I quickly ate. Then she offered me tea. I accepted, but felt funny about it. I wasn't sure why. About the time she pulled out the tea bag and set the kettle on the stove I remembered that Mormons didn't drink tea, and I ran out of her house. I can't imagine having that kind of moral clarity at age three, but I did. It's also kind of funny that running from tea was like running from Potiphar's Wife.

I played a lot with my sister Page, who was very imaginative. We made up interesting situations and acted them out. We would play 'Boss and Secretary.' We had these plastic telephones and she would take calls and relay me the message. The thing is, the secretary job seemed so much more fun than the boss' job. She fielded all these incoming calls and got involved in water cooler drama. I just got to sit at this desk and wait for her to bring me the latest field reports or a travel itinerary. But of course we would never switch positions, because Page and I were always very adept at perpetuating gender stereotypes. And still are!

One time I was at my second cousin Parker Jones' house. We were staying overnight. Parker and I liked to jump on the couch. Parker's dad did not like us to do that. He caught me jumping on the couch and he spanked me. Back then it was okay to spank other people's kids.

One Sunday my family was packed in the station wagon, leaving for church. Someone realized that I wasn't wearing any shoes. My dad sent me back inside to get my shoes. I remember running upstairs to my room. As soon as I entered the room I heard angels singing. I can't describe it any other way. I heard angels singing from the clouds outside my window. They were singing music I could recognize and remember. There is no clever twist to this story; I literally heard a heavenly choir. I remember it vividly and I can still feel what I felt then when I heard it. I listened for a few seconds, and then my dad started honking the car.

I was terrified of carwashes. In the 70's carwashes had these giant mechanized rotating brushes that looked like creatures from the Sid & Marty shows. I genuinely thought they would crush us. My family always thought it was funny that I was so scared of the carwash. My dad used to pretend to drive into carwashes whenever we passed one. It was fairly mean, I guess, but I pull that kind of crap on my kids all the time now, too.

That's about it for age three. Everything else is fuzzy and I'm not sure if I actually remember it or if I made it up. Did someone really catch a snake and slide it into the hollows of the handlebars on my Big Wheel? Was I potty-trained on a little toilet seat cover with a duck head emerging from it? Were swimming lessons really that bad?

A well thought out post, about the things I, well, thought out...

Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity. -Voltaire

Well, I ate too much.

I was going to sit down and write a brilliant blog about some clever nuanced thing that only I noticed, but then I ate too much.  Why?!  Why don't I just stop when my platter is full...that's one thing, my sister-in-law didn't want to dirty dishes (and why would she?!  I sure wasn't going to do them!) so she used paper plates...the thing is, the only paper plates she had in the house were these huge oval platters!

 Boom.

Good Heaven's why do they even make those?!  A pack of TWENTY FOUR!  Anyway, I filled mine up twice.  I know I know, but she didn't tell me that she had made dessert, certainly I would have only had one platter of food had I had known about dessert.  And worse it was these little raspberry and lemon glased cookies...so you really had to have at least seven before the taste of Honey Lime Chicken enchiladas even began to get out of your mouth...not that I wanted it out of my mouth...no, quite the contrary, there was a time where I would alternate a cookie bite with a enchilada bite...salty then sweet is my bingeing combination, I could eat the following combinations until my gut split down the center and the following ingredients would spill out...un-chewed:

• Popcorn/Milk-Duds
• Lays Classic Potato Chips/ really Dark Chocolate Chips
• A fist full of rock salt/ Peanut butter M&M's
• Chicken Enchiladas/ Lemon Raspberry Glased Cookies

I knew I had gone too far.  I did.  I knew it.  But that was two platters of Enchiladas, rice, refried beans, a small stack of blue berries and pineapple, and seven Lemon Raspberry Glased Cookies later...then I stopped.  I mean, I'm not a psycho!  I know when I've had too much, but tonight, I just couldn't stop and now I feel horrible, both physically and emotionally...I mean, I just started a new diet today.  For reals!  Today I had, like, a glass of water for breakfast, a hard boiled egg (three days old) for lunch, came home cranky from work to find out we are going to my sister-in-laws (whose some kind of wonder cook) house for dinner but that I would have to wait until 6:30 (6:45) to eat.  It was a perfect storm.

BTW, this is what one of those platters looks like full of food and not crisp and white in the packaging:

  2x

Great Mouse Detective! What have I done!  This post is giving me heartburn, honestly the only thing worse than eating too much food is to then search the internet for pictures of big platters of food.  I've ACTUALLY had some Alka Seltzer this evening...for it's intended purpose! You think Ken is old??!  That guy plays racquet ball! (I used the "Q" spelling to make it sound fancier) I do not play anything...hide and seek sometimes with the kids, but thats only to snuggle down in the quilt closet and catch a nap in the middle of the day, not a lot of calories burned.

It's not even that!  I'm a mid-middle aged married man, I suppose to be chubby!  I'm sure if Ken had some church activity where everyone was swimming, he would have to leave his shirt on because he would be humiliated to whip out his racquet ball abs in front of Sister Christiansen, the Ward Librarian. 

But I can't take this out on Ken, though I hope he enjoyed his brussel sprout for dinner, no, this was my doing.  My wife only ate half her platter and she's in a fine mood. Not me...it's 11:45 PM and I'm writing this blog that is making me sick to think about the sick things I sicked in my mouth and the whole time I've had to be sucking in my gut so my fingers can reach the key board!  WELL I'M DONE!  I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!  I CAN'T EVEN BREATH IN MY OWN HOdijlsjksdnnfydsnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNF,MFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFASDMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNKMNVVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvweeeeoiioweiiiiiiievvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvkh=wpl

Sorry.  

Apparently at some point my gut hit the CAPS LOCK button.

Fortysomething

Me and my dad in Los Angeles ,1971; the year I was born and he turned 28. 

Yesterday was my birthday. (Thank you, and yes, I got your gift. It was just what I wanted! But I got two of them. So I’m going to return one and use the money to buy some new shoes. But I’m totally keeping the one you gave me. I’m returning the other guy’s gift.)

I am now 42 years old. Not a huge milestone birthday; however I can confidently report there is no midlife crisis on the horizon. (I check every six months; so I’m cleared until September.)

I’m actually quite fine being in my 40s. The thing that really stands out to me is being able to so clearly remember when my dad was 42. It was 1985. I was 14. My son, Garren, will be 14 this year; so the age gap is about the same.

I think about that decade for my dad and me. Ten years of milestones or rites of passage for me, all while my dad was in his 40s.

In 1983 I started junior high school, became a deacon, and received the Aaronic Priesthood. I think I also started officially using deodorant and loved watching The Outsiders. And my dad turned 40.

In 1985 I started high school, began attending early-morning seminary, went on week-long Scouting high adventures, played on the high-school water polo team...and my dad was in his 40s.

From 1987 to 1988 I became a priest, started driving, started dating, had my first kiss, got my first and second speeding tickets, went to my first U2 concert, went on a week-long surfing trip to Ensenada, Mexico, moved to Hawaii with my family, went skydiving…and my dad was in his 40s.

1989 to 1990 I had graduated high school, started college at BYU, received the Melchizedek Priesthood, and left on a mission to Portugal…and my dad was in his 40s.

In 1992 I came home from my mission and started back up at college…and my dad was in his 40s.

I am sure my dad experienced new things and had his own life alterations during his 40s, but for an egocentric teenager, it seemed like my world changed a thousand times over, and all while my dad was in his 40s. My dad will be 70 this year; but somewhere in my mind, he will always be in his 40s. And that’s the decade I am in now. And for some reason, that is what kind of blows my mind.

An Analysis of the Contents of My Comcast DVR

Unfortunately, this is not a Comcast DVR.

Have you ever pondered what your viewing habits really look like on paper? Have you ever been unable to sleep because you wish you knew the comedy vs drama breakdown of your series season passes? How about kid shows to mature-themed shows? Do you wonder which network has you in their pocket?

If the answer to any of these questions is YES, then hold on to your remotes! Well, I can't show you your habits ... you'll have to settle for mine.

Note: this is DVR only, not streaming. I tried to do fancy HTML tables but I didn't have enough time to make it look good. I'm still learning.

Total Series Recordings - 43

Comedies - 10
Parks And Recreation
New Girl
Community
Happy Endings
Psych
Modern Family
Bob's Burgers
The Mindy Project
Childrens Hospital
Saturday Night Live

Dramas - 15
Doctor Who
Masterpiece Classic (mostly for Downton Abbey)
Once Upon A Time
Justified
Southland
The Americans
Mad Men
Nashville
The Walking Dead
Pretty Little Liars
Suits
Elementary
Falling Skies
Smash
Bates Motel*

Reality - 13
Project Runway
So You Think You Can Dance
The Voice
X Factor
America's Got Talent
Secrets From A Stylist**
HGTV Design Star**
Fashion Star
Property Brothers
Counting Cars
Extreme Homes
America's Funniest Home Videos***
The Ellen DeGeneres Show***

Kids - 5
Gravity Falls
ThunderCats
Adventure Time/Finn & Jake
Kung Fu Panda: Legends
House Of Anubis

Network Representation
NBC - 6
ABC - 6
FOX - 5
HGTV - 4
Cartoon Network - 3
Nickelodeon, USA, FX, TNT, AMC - 2
CW, CBS, BBC, ABC Family, PBS, History, A&E, Lifetime, Disney - 1

Watching Distribution
Shows I watch with just Amelia - 6
We watch as a family - 5
Only I watch with both the kids - 1
Only Amelia watches with both the kids - 6
Amelia watches with B - 1
I watch with B - 1
Amelia watches with A - 1
I watch with A - 1
The kids watch "alone" - 3
Amelia watches alone - 7
I watch alone - 10

Genre Distribution
Competition - 7
Sit-Com - 7
Cop/Detective/Mystery - 6
Animated - 5
Sci-Fi/Fantasy - 4
Home/Self Improvement - 3
Period Dramas - 2
Musical - 2
Horror - 2
Legal - 1
Other - 4

Shows that someone likes but don't catch up on well:
The Ellen DeGeneres Show
Nashville
The Americans
Southland
Kung Fu Panda: Legends
House of Anubis

Shows I delete often in order to make room for other shows:
The Ellen DeGeneres Show
Kung Fu Panda: Legends
America's Funniest Home Videos Elementary
The Mindy Project

Shortest show: Childrens Hospital - 15 min

Longest show: Project Runway, SNL - 90 min

Show I was surprised to see on the DVR: Counting Cars

Shows recently removed from the DVR: American Horror Story, The Following, The Office, Alphas, Arrow, Zero Hour

Show we most often watch in real-time despite being recorded: Once Upon a Time

Estimated hours of TV our DVR records each week: One million?

Here's what I learned ... We watch more stuff than I realized but less than we did 2-3 years ago. We watch more shows as a family than I thought and more than we did 2-3 years ago. I thought there would be more legal-themed shows. Many of the shows we hope will last don't. Some shows that start out good don't stay that way but we keep watching because we are completionists. (Or, I am.)

Was this helpful? Does it make you want to audit your DVR? If you're reading this from 2002, does it make you want to have a DVR? Was it a waste of your time and mine? Let me know in the comments.

*Hasn't actually started yet.
**Not sure if these are canceled or not.
***These shows feature real people doing real things but I don't know if they are "reality" per se. I don't know where else to put them.