Mothers and Daughters...a Man's Perpective

So, here'e the deal, I'm not a Mom and I'm not a daughter; as a matter of fact, I don't have any sisters, so I didn't even grow up around daughters. I do have a daughter now and there literally isn't anything I wouldn't do for her. But the other day, at my work (I sell cute dresses and cookie jars and stuff) a mother and daughter came in.  That's not that interesting, mothers and daughters come in a lot, and this trip was not anything out of the ordinary; I think they were buying a graduation dress, so that should give you a context for age.  They were sharing a fitting room (no big deal) and the associates (two of them) were scurrying around finding the cutest dresses or cookie jars or what ever they wanted.  As the visit went on I started to notice a pattern in our dress searching...

"She's got a large rib cage so she needs a size 8."

"She doesn't really like to show the top parts of her arms so she'll need sleeves."

"Her chest is overdeveloped so we'll want to minimize that area."

A few things to note here:

One, the daughter was MAYBE a size 4, but probably a 2.

Two, The daughter didn't speak once. As far as I heard, not once.

Three, the Mother was a very nice lady.  She was not being "That" kind of mom.  She really did think she had her daughter's best interest at heart.  That's why I noticed it, she wasn't being a "B word", she was being thoughtful and they were out buying the daughter a graduation dress (which, I might add, would have a full-blown maroon tent over it, so what does it matter if her overdeveloped chest is minimized?!) and they both seemed like they were having a good time.  Really, both of them! Though, I will say, it really affected the two associates who were helping them. Each one, on their own, came to me and asked me to pop by the fitting room and let this daughter know how great she looked.  Which I did and I didn't even have to embellish, she was real cute, though, even some guy like me could tell, she didn't know it.  Somehow this cute girl with a nice mom grew up knowing several things about herself, (Me = Large Rib Cage, Hide the Top of My Arms, Too Big Boobs (or Two, I suppose)) but not the one true thing, she's cute.  She was one of the cute girls.

Maybe I'm reading a lot into one afternoon.  Maybe it was an off day.  Maybe the daughter had just yelled at her mom in J Crew that she didn't like her arms, boobs, or rib cage and if she has to bring it up again she's going home.  Daughters are not blameless.  I could easily write a post about the abused mothers that come into my store.  But, as I said, it was the two associates who got me thinking.

One of them said to me, "You know, daughters hear every word their mothers say.  Some buy into it more then others, but we all hear every word."

I tried to say it was the same for fathers, but they would have none of it.

"It's not the same for fathers, or even boys, it's all different from what other girls think...starting with their mother."

I guess that's what brought me here.  I genuinely don't like to find out I have less power over my kids than other people...even my wife.  But no matter how I try to teach my daughter that she is a smart, clever, funny, thoughtful, kind, straight up amazing girl, if she doesn't buy it from her mother, she will never buy it.

My daughter is lucky and my wife does such an amazing job, but, then again, this mother in the fitting room would die if she knew this post was about her. She really did appear to have good relationship with her daughter, aside from the passive abuse, but they were out together and they would talk to each other inside the fitting room. But growing a self esteem is not something that can be checked off in an afternoon or really ever finished, it's consistant stance that doesn't chip away or tamp down or hold back.  It's can't be faked and it won't be easily won, so let this be a reminder to all you mothers of daughters out there (and there are a lot of you) when she sees herself, she first looks through your eyes.  

Wrapped Around My Little Girl's Finger

Can anyone say "No" to that face?

Lately we have been using a website at our house called MyJobChart.com. The idea is pretty simple: you assign jobs to your kids. When they complete them they log in and check them off. Each job is worth points. Maybe 10 points for getting your homework done, or 15 points for loading the dishwasher after dinner. Then, your kids can cash in their points for rewards. There are a bunch of preloaded rewards, or you can make them up. You can even pick a toy from Amazon and then order it right from the site when your kids earn it.

We've been using it for about 3 or 4 weeks and it has been great. The kids have gotten pretty good and setting and clearing the table, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the family room before bed, etc. It still requires a lot of micro-managing (honestly, do kids just not see messes? When I point to the 55 pieces of trash on the ground and say "Now someone pick up all the paper on the floor" and all of my kids say "What paper?" I just don't get it.) but I feel like our kids are learning some responsibility, and the house is a little cleaner (and Amy and I don't have to do it all.)

We've gotten to the point now where the kids have enough points to start redeeming them for prizes. My boys, of course, wanted lame things like new texture packs for Minecraft or some virtual coins so they can download new Pokemon for Pokemon Tower Defense. But when Lulu, my 4 year old daughter, saw that one of the rewards was "Date with Daddy" she immediately declared that that was what she was saving up for. I mean, if that doesn't melt your heart, what does? She could get a new small toy, or a trip to the pool or whatever, but she wants to spend the day with me.

So today was the day to cash in. And I felt like because she had worked so hard and saved her points and been so good and agreeable about doing her chores, we needed to do something funner than just a trip to the McDonald's playland. So we went to lunch and then to the Zoo. As we were getting ready to leave, I said to her "Should we have Mom come to Lunch with us and then you and I can go to the zoo for our date?" and there was a long awkward pause. She answered "Um, let's just start our date now and go to lunch with just us."

I've joked before that Lulu is my favorite. She's not really, even though she is by far our easiest kid to raise (and don't tell me she'll be a terror when she is a teenager. I refuse to believe it.) My boys are amazing - funny, sensitive, smart, energetic. I think the world of them.

Honestly: when did she get so cool? Clearly I am the Nerdy Dad in this picture. 

But when you are a Dad and you have a daughter, there is just something different about that relationship. She's my baby and always will be. And I never want her to not be the smiling happy little girl she is now. Part of it is that I know that there are so many forces out in the world that are going to try and make her feel small. So I want her to know, no matter what, that she is loved, safe and important. And part of it is that I don't want her to date (or marry) a jerk so I want her to think I am the most awesome person ever so that any lame hipster dude named Blaze or Kagen who wants to date her has big shoes to fill. And I just like to make her laugh and smile. Which is why we rode the Carousel two times today. (Also, because she really wanted to get the zebra and she didn't get the zebra the first time.)

Yes, I am a pushover. And yes, Lulu's 500 point reward cost about 5 times what her brothers' 500 point rewards cost. But she's my little girl. And I wanted her to have a great day, and we did. And I realize that some day she probably will think I am lame and ridiculous (please see above photo for reference) so I should try and have as many of these kids of days as I can while they last. Even if I pretend she has to "earn" them by picking up the 55 pieces of paper left on the family room floor. Seriously, does no one see those things but me?