Wednesday, December 5, 2012

thumpety thump

I know I usually have something to gripe about around the holidays. I'm trying not to be negative, but sometimes things bother me, and they are usually musical in nature. Ken really hit the nail on the head with his recent musical indictment, which I particularly enjoyed. This year I'm trying to be Professor Positive and focus on the things I really like! But I'm going to start doing that right after I tell you how bad I hate Frosty the Snowman.

I really have problems with this song. Especially as a Christmas song. Because it has nothing to do with Christmas! NOTHING! It's just a stupid story. You think it is a Christmas song because it's about snow and people sing it around Christmas time. But there is no mention of tinsel, presents, or the baby Jesus. NOTHING. So it's pointless. Sure enough, though, everyone sings it and it's supposed to make us feel festive. It makes me angry.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is also aggravating, but at least he helps Santa. At least there is a holiday tie-in. Frosty has nothing to offer, except a dumb story about a magic top hat and a lonely girl with ear muffs.  I guess the same argument could be made for Jingle Bells and It's a Marshmallow World, but those stories don't try to pretend to be Christmas songs! I just feel like Frosty does. Those songs are just basically talking about how snowy everything is in the winter, or telling about a sleigh-ride accident. I actually think they are compelling.

Also. I don't know the whole history, but wasn't this just a song Gene Autry made up? And then they made a cartoon out of it? Jeez Louise, I could do that! In fact, I'm going to! Here is my new Christmas song. It's about a winter pony:

Jennifer, the winter pony!
Look at how she prances around!
Jennifer, the winter pony
Swingin' her mane through town.

One thing about her (it may be a shock!)
Is that Jennifer the pony could actually talk!
She met an orphan boy named Jack
They talked for hours and he rode on her back.

But then one day Jack got so hungry.
Winter was on, and he hadn't any money.
He combed her tail, he was gentle and lovin'
But when she wasn't looking, he pushed her in an oven.

Jennifer, the winter pony!
Sadly was no more.
Jennifer, the winter pony!
She'll be back to settle the score!

Trotty-trot, trot, trot
Trotty-trot, trot, trot
Look at Jennifer go!
Trotty-trot, trot, trot
Trotty-trot, trot, trot
Now she's actually a zombie.

I made that up in like ten minutes, but I guarantee that it will be a holiday classic by Christmas '13. Even though it has no redeeming value and no overt Christmas message. That's just how our society works, I guess. Maybe Obama will change things. I don't know. Happy Holidays!
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