Wednesday, October 30, 2013

your halloween horoscope

Well, tomorrow is the big day! Can you believe it? All of your dreams are about to come true. All of them! Or are they? Only your horoscope knows. Or, in this case, your horospook!

ARIES: People seem to think that Halloween is a cute holiday for scarecrows and toll painted owls. It's not. It's about Satan. And death. Specifically, your death. Just think about that tomorrow. Think about it all day. Your clock is ticking.

TAURUS: OK, so you went out on a limb this year and you decided to wear a costume to work. And you settled on the Oppa Gangnam Style guy from Korea. I applaud your bravery, but did you know that Oppa Gangnam was a thing last year? It's not a thing this year. But good on you for doing a costume! That's a huge step! Awesome. Most people will like your costume. Except all the people that wore it last year.

GEMINI: Three words for you: Bobbing for Apples. I think we both get it.

CANCER: I can't wait to see what you dress up like this year, but odds are you'll be wearing that Gandolf the Grey wig I loaned you back in '09. Oops! I think you forgot to return it and you seem to have incorporated it into every costume since then. Even last year, when you were "Oppa Gandolf Style." Well, have fun this year. Let me guess: Minas Cyrus?

LEO: Keep it up with that Roman Soldier costume. You are killing it. Maybe show more leg.

VIRGO: Halloween is a time of memories. And boy do you have some! Remember that awesome time when you and your sister were staying at a big house in the woods and crazy old Mrs. Aylwood thought you were her daughter Karen? And then a bell fell on you during a solar eclipse? Man, I wish we had pictures of that.

LIBRA: You really can't risk eating all of that candy this year. Combine that with donuts and it's just going to be a gas storm with you. You know how you are! Why not try keeping a bag of Ritz Crackers on you - just in case a popcorn ball gets shoved in front in your face? Pop a cracker instead. You'll thank me later when you aren't popping Beanos and sobbing in horror.

SCORPIO: So, I know this is weird, you sleep in a coffin? I heard that. It's probably not true. It's probably something some jerk made up. It's just...I remember that time when I woke up and you were sucking on my neck. And when I gasped aloud I saw you run back and climb into a coffin. I have the craziest dreams, though. So it was all a big dream, right?

SAGITTARIUS: Oh please. You're going as a "sexy witch" again? Remember last year when you were a "sexy nurse" and the year before when you were "Vincent van Ho?" Enough with the sexy costumes! We get it. You are hot. Take your trashy costume down to the UVU Halloween dance where people will appreciate it. Just don't blame me if you wind up with a sketchy new boyfriend who lives at Wolverine Crossing.

CAPRICORN: This isn't meant to be a criticism, but nobody believes your story about the ghost in your computer. You should know that. That wasn't a ghost in your computer sending you a message, it was your mom and that's called facebook chat. Seriously, there's something wrong if your mom understands facebook chat and you don't. You should take a computer class. From your mom!

AQUARIUS: I'm sorry that when you close your eyes you keeping hearing Madame Leota from The Haunted Mansion ride saying "Serpents, and spiders, tail of a in the spirits, wherever they're at!" You and I know that it's incorrect English to end a sentence with a preposition, but Madame Leota doesn't, and my kids don't. So don't go ruining our Haunted Mansion experience with your grammar, Lady Schoolmarm. Get over it. It's a rhyme! She's been saying that since 1969 and her tambourine is still shakin.'

PISCES: Are you still singing "The Monster Mash?" Dude, have you heard "Halloween Spooks" by Lambert, Hendricks & Ross? You're welcome.
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