your halloween horoscope

Well, tomorrow is the big day! Can you believe it? All of your dreams are about to come true. All of them! Or are they? Only your horoscope knows. Or, in this case, your horospook!

ARIES: People seem to think that Halloween is a cute holiday for scarecrows and toll painted owls. It's not. It's about Satan. And death. Specifically, your death. Just think about that tomorrow. Think about it all day. Your clock is ticking.

TAURUS: OK, so you went out on a limb this year and you decided to wear a costume to work. And you settled on the Oppa Gangnam Style guy from Korea. I applaud your bravery, but did you know that Oppa Gangnam was a thing last year? It's not a thing this year. But good on you for doing a costume! That's a huge step! Awesome. Most people will like your costume. Except all the people that wore it last year.

GEMINI: Three words for you: Bobbing for Apples. I think we both get it.

CANCER: I can't wait to see what you dress up like this year, but odds are you'll be wearing that Gandolf the Grey wig I loaned you back in '09. Oops! I think you forgot to return it and you seem to have incorporated it into every costume since then. Even last year, when you were "Oppa Gandolf Style." Well, have fun this year. Let me guess: Minas Cyrus?

LEO: Keep it up with that Roman Soldier costume. You are killing it. Maybe show more leg.

VIRGO: Halloween is a time of memories. And boy do you have some! Remember that awesome time when you and your sister were staying at a big house in the woods and crazy old Mrs. Aylwood thought you were her daughter Karen? And then a bell fell on you during a solar eclipse? Man, I wish we had pictures of that.

LIBRA: You really can't risk eating all of that candy this year. Combine that with donuts and it's just going to be a gas storm with you. You know how you are! Why not try keeping a bag of Ritz Crackers on you - just in case a popcorn ball gets shoved in front in your face? Pop a cracker instead. You'll thank me later when you aren't popping Beanos and sobbing in horror.

SCORPIO: So, I know this is weird, but...do you sleep in a coffin? I heard that. It's probably not true. It's probably something some jerk made up. It's just...I remember that time when I woke up and you were sucking on my neck. And when I gasped aloud I saw you run back and climb into a coffin. I have the craziest dreams, though. So it was all a big dream, right?

SAGITTARIUS: Oh please. You're going as a "sexy witch" again? Remember last year when you were a "sexy nurse" and the year before when you were "Vincent van Ho?" Enough with the sexy costumes! We get it. You are hot. Take your trashy costume down to the UVU Halloween dance where people will appreciate it. Just don't blame me if you wind up with a sketchy new boyfriend who lives at Wolverine Crossing.

CAPRICORN: This isn't meant to be a criticism, but nobody believes your story about the ghost in your computer. You should know that. That wasn't a ghost in your computer sending you a message, it was your mom and that's called facebook chat. Seriously, there's something wrong if your mom understands facebook chat and you don't. You should take a computer class. From your mom!

AQUARIUS: I'm sorry that when you close your eyes you keeping hearing Madame Leota from The Haunted Mansion ride saying "Serpents, and spiders, tail of a rat...call in the spirits, wherever they're at!" You and I know that it's incorrect English to end a sentence with a preposition, but Madame Leota doesn't, and my kids don't. So don't go ruining our Haunted Mansion experience with your grammar, Lady Schoolmarm. Get over it. It's a rhyme! She's been saying that since 1969 and her tambourine is still shakin.'

PISCES: Are you still singing "The Monster Mash?" Dude, have you heard "Halloween Spooks" by Lambert, Hendricks & Ross? You're welcome.

your horoscope this week

ARIES: Something big is happening this week! It's going to be huge. It will either be really awesome, or really terrible. It all depends on your attitude! And how much money you have in the bank.

TAURUS: Listen. There is nothing wrong with you, other than the fact that you are a human being. There is no reason for you to feel intimidated by someone just because they are smarter, are in better shape, or have a much more exciting life than you do. You have an exciting life, too! You just share it with yourself. Your good ole plain awesome self.

GEMINI: Someone incredibly sexy is waiting for you in Great Britain.

CANCER: I like this new empowered you. You are taking the world by storm. There's no stopping you - no mountain you can't conquer. Just one word of advice: even though you are busy getting empowered and conquering mountains you can still send me that $24.95 you "accidentally" put on my debit card when I left my wallet in your car last Thursday.

LEO: Stop it with the good looks! Seriously, stop it!

VIRGO: You've heard the phrase "fake it 'till you make it?" Well, you are faking it and still not making it! Wake up! Everyone can tell you are just phoning it in. Nobody likes a faker. Remember when your sister pretended like she couldn't walk, and she wheeled herself around in a wheelchair but you knew she was faking it so you wheeled her to the top of a hill and pushed her down? She landed in a river and, sure enough, she was lying! That was an important lesson.

LIBRA: Nobody should have to deal with embarrassing athlete's foot. You least of all. Have you tried Dr. Scholl's foot powder? Oh, who am I kidding? Everyone has tried Dr. Scholls! What about cumen powder and a wedge of cumquat?

SCORPIO: I caught your eye the other day, and I knew what you were up to. I always know what you are up to. But murder? That's going too far. This week, please focus on not killing people. It's just not funny.

SAGITTARIUS: What kind of fool do you take me for? Jeezy Creezy, I wasn't born yesterday! You and I both know that, whether you can believe it or can't, it's not butter. It's a spray on margarine, and pretending it isn't doesn't help anyone.

CAPRICORN: This isn't meant to be a criticism, but I saw you shopping at Hot Topic the other day and I thought you were a janitor. I don't mean anything by that, I just was suprised to see you in there trying on awesome/ironic t-shirts. I mean, it was funny! Like funny weird. I guess I'm saying you are too old to shop at Hot Topic.

AQUARIUS: I'm sorry everyone thinks you look like the Fonz. You should move your office out of a bathroom stall, and you should act more like Potsy.

PISCES: Are you still singing that "Call Me Maybe" song? Dude, everyone has moved on! Try being a little more 2013.

Your horoscope: March Madness

With March on the horizon, it's time to come in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb! Gear up everybody: it's going to be March Madness!

ARIES: Have you heard the news? The big news about you? I think most people know by now. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? The big thing that's going happen to you this month? How do you feel about it? I would be terrified, but that's just me. You know what I'm talking about, right?

TAURUS: It's time to turn that TV off and get in shape! Spring is on the horizon and you need a little work. I mean, you look great. I think so, anyway. But I can tell you don't feel good about yourself. It's just how you act and stuff. Don't be so hard on yourself! Join a gym already!

GEMINI: March would be a good time to think about how awesome your spouse is. They are always there for you. What are some nice things you could do for them? I know he likes a good head message (or she.) He likes to eat big meals and have giant naps (I mean he or she.) Just some ideas!

CANCER: Hey, buddy. I'm in no hurry to get that 25 bucks back from you that you "borrowed" from me last week. I do not have a mortgage to pay or mouths to feed, and I'm glad you were able to redbox that video game for your PS3 even though you "borrowed" the money for food. Take your time, pal! I know you are good for it.

LEO: Hey sexy! Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

VIRGO: It's time to get beyond yourself and help people who are really struggling. Like your sister, for example. She was one of the best figure skaters in the world until that tragic accident and now she's blind. She still wants to skate! But she's up against narrow-minded judges and cut-throat competitors and she can't even see them. When tragedy strikes, love comes to the rescue! Get out there and help her!

LIBRA: That Gas-X you have been taking sure seems to be working. Congrats. And I think next month I may even ride in a car with you! Baby steps, though. Don't get too excited. I still have a memory.

SCORPIO: Hey. I dig the new tattoo. I like how it's a big bloody knife running right down your arm. It's like your arm is saying "check me out! I'm a big bloody knife." I like that. And I fear it. So your plan is working.

SAGITTARIUS: OK, wait. Let me get this straight! You still watch American Idol? You still think it's on TV and that it's fun to watch? Dude, even your mom stopped watching American Idol. Get with it! Everyone is totally watching Downton Abbey now.

CAPRICORN: This isn't meant to be a criticism, but I think you wore your cardigan two days in a row last week. I keep a log on your outfits. I know that seems weird, but to me it makes perfect sense. It's just what I do! Anyway, you need to rotate. People notice that stuff. People like me, who keep logs on your outfits.

AQUARIUS: I'm sorry everyone thinks you look like Octavia Spencer. I don't see it. Maybe next time someone says that you should offer them some pie...

PISCES: Man, March is going to do a number on you. See you in April. MAYBE