Wednesday, October 16, 2013

interview with a bat!

Every year I like to interview special Halloween guests, and this year is no exception. I feel like I got a real catch this year: that's right, a bat! I was able to truly corner a bat and ask him some of the questions I'm sure you would ask. Hopefully you'll get a better insight into Satan's little helpers - and maybe we'll even clear up some misconceptions!

topher: Thank you for meeting with me!

bat: Dude, I am so tired.

topher: Oh, really?

bat: Yeah, I sleep, like, all day.

topher: What? That's crazy! What do you do all night?

bat: I fly into people's open windows and bite them when they are sleeping. I think that is super fun.

topher: Cha, yeah. Sounds fun for you. But isn't that just spreading rabies?

bat: What? Are you joking? According to the University of Florida, less than ½ of 1% of bats carry the rabies virus. Far more people are killed by dog attacks, bee stings, power mowers, or lightning than rabies from bats.

topher: Mmmmm. You have rabies, though, don't you. You are in that 1%.

bat: Yeah.

topher: Let's move on.

bat: Thanks.

topher: So, when you attack people, which bats frequently do, because they are not peaceful or benign at all....

bat: Yes, keep talking...

topher: Do you just fly into their hair and mess it up?

bat: Yeah, we get all tangled up in there and we sink our tiny fangs into people's skulls. And they run around in circles and pat their heads. It's hilarious!

topher: That does sound funny. But don't you echolocate?

bat: You and your big words! You want a quarter for that word? Stick to what you know. Dude, I am so tired.

topher: Just a few more questions.

bat: Oh, jeez.

topher: So, are bats rodents?

bat: Your mom is a rodent.

topher: Why are you so hostile? I'm just trying to help people understand you.

bat: Look. What's so hard to understand? We hang upside down, and when people aren't expecting it we fly into their hair and traumatize them and suck blood from tiny divots in their skull which we make with our razor-fine fangs.

topher: Oh, I'm starting to understand. If you had to attack Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber, which one would you choose?

bat: Ah, the twerkin' twins? No chance.

topher: Neither?

bat: Neither. Skinny? Giant teeth? They look like rakes. You'd have to be blind to go for that.

topher: Blind as a bat? (laughs)

bat: (yawns)
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