interview with a bat!

Every year I like to interview special Halloween guests, and this year is no exception. I feel like I got a real catch this year: that's right, a bat! I was able to truly corner a bat and ask him some of the questions I'm sure you would ask. Hopefully you'll get a better insight into Satan's little helpers - and maybe we'll even clear up some misconceptions!

topher: Thank you for meeting with me!

bat: Dude, I am so tired.

topher: Oh, really?

bat: Yeah, I sleep, like, all day.

topher: What? That's crazy! What do you do all night?

bat: I fly into people's open windows and bite them when they are sleeping. I think that is super fun.

topher: Cha, yeah. Sounds fun for you. But isn't that just spreading rabies?

bat: What? Are you joking? According to the University of Florida, less than ½ of 1% of bats carry the rabies virus. Far more people are killed by dog attacks, bee stings, power mowers, or lightning than rabies from bats.

topher: Mmmmm. You have rabies, though, don't you. You are in that 1%.

bat: Yeah.

topher: Let's move on.

bat: Thanks.

topher: So, when you attack people, which bats frequently do, because they are not peaceful or benign at all....

bat: Yes, keep talking...

topher: Do you just fly into their hair and mess it up?

bat: Yeah, we get all tangled up in there and we sink our tiny fangs into people's skulls. And they run around in circles and pat their heads. It's hilarious!

topher: That does sound funny. But don't you echolocate?

bat: You and your big words! You want a quarter for that word? Stick to what you know. Dude, I am so tired.

topher: Just a few more questions.

bat: Oh, jeez.

topher: So, are bats rodents?

bat: Your mom is a rodent.

topher: Why are you so hostile? I'm just trying to help people understand you.

bat: Look. What's so hard to understand? We hang upside down, and when people aren't expecting it we fly into their hair and traumatize them and suck blood from tiny divots in their skull which we make with our razor-fine fangs.

topher: Oh, I'm starting to understand. If you had to attack Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber, which one would you choose?

bat: Ah, the twerkin' twins? No chance.

topher: Neither?

bat: Neither. Skinny? Giant teeth? They look like rakes. You'd have to be blind to go for that.

topher: Blind as a bat? (laughs)

bat: (yawns)

i have no idea what i like

I always like a good TV show, and I love when I get really wrapped up in something. Even if I don't have any kind of personal connection with it, as in the case of my all-time two favorite TV shows Twin Peaks and Friday Night Lights. I just like what I like, you know? And I hate what I don't like and I won't watch it.


The bizarre thing, and I think it's bizarre, is that there is honestly no template for what I like and what I don't like. I have no way to determine if I'll like something. For example, you would expect me to like Glee or Smash, wouldn't you? All those drama people and singing and learning special lessons. Sounds right up my alley! But I hate Glee and Smash.

I have forcefully declared in the past that I refuse to watch any show about doctors, lawyers, or private investigators. I still hold to that refusal. They are all basically the same show, right? Sometimes they even switch actors and nobody even notices! I won't watch them. I get that these characters have important jobs, but I want to see something sexier and more compelling. Like ad agencies! From the 1960's!

That brings me to my next point. I should love period pieces. I love Mad Men and The Americans, even though everyone on The Americans looks 1980's except the two lead actors. But I'm theatrical, so I should love all the clothes, wigs, and cars. So why don't I love shows from the future? Those are period pieces, right? None of it makes sense. I also dislike shows about the Wild West.

Here is a list of things I don't like:

I don't like any sitcom that has a laugh track.

I don't like shows where someone is about to shoot someone, but when you hear the gun go off the person drops dead  - and you realize that they had been shot by someone else standing right behind them!

I don't like shows about fancy rich people who don't acknowledge that they are rich or fancy.

I don't like shows that feature and/or showcase unattractive people. I want good looking people only. (I learned this from my wife, who boycotted TV when we lived in England)

I don't like action shows that just have people running around a warehouse.

I don't really love zombie shows and I don't think they are very scary.

I don't like meeting characters' parents on sitcoms, because they are always old has-been actors and it makes me feel old.

I don't like shows where they make us hunger for two characters to finally kiss. Kiss or don't kiss! Figure it out!

I don't like shows with Miley Cyrus dancing around like a golden retriever.

I don't like when shows have a very special "musical episode."

Here is a list of things I do like:

I like reality shows where sexy housewives fight!

I like shows where people talk the way people really talk, and don't just say awesome ironic things all the time.

I like shows where I can't figure out who the bad guys are, and maybe they are right under my nose!

I like shows that are a half hour long. I can't stay awake for an hour, TV!

I like shows that addict me through fascinating plot lines and shocking conflicts and people who work outside of a law office.

To be honest, I have no idea what's coming up in the Fall TV Season. To my friends here on Part Time Authors, this is redolent of the same people who complain "I haven't seen any of these movies!" at Oscar time, which drives me crazy. I'll watch whatever Lisa tells me to. But I can't promise to like it! I'm an American, and this is my TV, and so help me I'll watch Nashville if I want to!