As the holidays approach and many of you prepare to load up
the family car and make the migration back to…well, wherever it is you don’t
currently live, I would like to take this opportunity to present a Public
Service Announcement, brought to you by the makers of Craig Children, and other
fine products.
Throughout the course of my life, ladies and gentlemen, I
have made more road trips than the Rolling Stones (but without the liquor and
with only a fraction of the heroine). And inevitably, during every trip, I have
reached that late-night breaking point where my eyes are just not going to stay
open any longer. And I know I am not alone in this.
To combat this phenomenon, I have tried the following
measures, to no avail:
1. Loud music. I have found this method ineffective, no
matter how loud the music. Somehow, even the raucous melodies of Def Leppard
become a soft lullaby. Mr. Sandman may start out pouring sugar on me, but soon
enough, he is simply pouring sleepy dust in my eyes.
2. Food. Many are the late-night journeys where I have
combined my fuel stops with a quick dash into the convenience store to grab an
armful of sugary, life-saving goodness. Sodas, M&Ms, Hostess, what have
you. I gobble it in record time and enjoy about 10 minutes of alertness. About
enough time to get back on the highway. Then I’m not only fighting off
sleepiness, but a sugar coma.
3. Face out the window. This is where you roll down the
window and stick your face out into the frozen night air – while simultaneously
waking up everyone in the car with an oppressive blast of arctic wind. This
wakes you up all right, and then the window closes, you shutter once or twice,
the heater picks back up, and 1.5 seconds later, you’re right back where you
started.
It was during one of my many road trips during college that
I discovered what worked for me, personally. I remember getting drowsy and
thinking to myself, “What might keep me awake and alert?” And it dawned on me
that being focused on something would help. And while I was too tired to focus
on anything profound or life-altering, I knew if I could find something simple
that required my attention…some small task…it would keep me alert.
So I undressed.
In a slow and calculated manner, I removed article by
article until I was completely naked. There I was driving 80 mph down the
freeway completely in the buff. And then I got dressed again – slowly and
calculated, item by item.
Small, simple tasks.
Genius? Oh, I don’t know. Sometimes these things just come
to me. But maybe it is. Maybe it’s inspiration. And I’ll tell you this – nude
driving will keep you awake, if for no other reason, because you now have
incorporated the fear of being pulled over by a highway patrol officer or worse
yet, crashing and being found naked and unconscious – and cold! – for all the
world to see.
I remember the first road trip Katie and I took after we
were married. We were driving from Utah to Los Angeles, to interview for an
internship with NBC. We got a bit of a late start, and somewhere between Cedar
City and St. George it was 1 a.m., and I was getting awfully sleepy. Katie was
in the passenger seat, well into a nap, so I had nobody to talk to. Well, no
worries. At this point I was well versed in Plan N.A.K.E.D. (Nude Alert Ken Effectively Driving), so I began the undressing process. I thought nothing of
it until my newlywed wife woke up to find a fully nude husband driving 80 mph
down I-15, humming Pour Some Sugar On Me.
It occurred to me in that moment that prior to our getting married, I had never
had the Plan N.A.K.E.D. talk with Katie.
It was a bit of an awkward moment, and I was really starting
to wish I hadn’t picked up that hitchhiker in Paragonah. (Zoing! Thank you I’ll
be here all week!) Katie had an inquisitive look on her face that I had never
seen before, nor since. But she just sat up, wiped her eyes and said, “Is it
hot in here or is it just me?”
Nowadays, with seven kids traveling with us, I’ll admit that
my once flawless plan seems inappropriate. I couldn’t find an effective,
alternate method of staying awake, so we generally travel during the day now.
But I miss the quietness of having everyone asleep as we barrel down the
highway, with me and my iPod rocking out to A
Very Merry Def Leppard Christmas.
