My Summer Dreams are Simple

That's not mold on my shoulder. It's just a shadow.

When summer starts, the world seems full of promise. It is a beautiful new beginning. A clean slate of long, brightly lit days ahead of you. It’s kind of like when your kids go back to school and you feel like you are getting a fresh start on everything. The only difference being that in September my goals are around being more productive and focused and having a plan. And in the summer my goals take on a slightly different, more lazy feel.

Oh, I am still goal oriented, mind you. But I don’t want the goals to be strenuous or meaningful. So here are my hopes and dreams for the summer:

1. Grow a beard. I think if the main topic of this blog is fatherhood, the subtopic is hair and the lack there of or abundance thereof. (And the sub-sub topic would be Ken being naked.) Much like I cannot grow hair on my head, I cannot grow an actual beard. But I am on vacation this week. And then I am home for a week and then on ANOTHER vacation, so this is the year to give the beard a real chance to become established. Right now the beard is in the bristly, patchy, obnoxious stage. (The photo above has enhanced contrast thanks to Instagram, so the beard looks deceptively full.) 
2. Read more. Particularly while on vacation and while sitting on my back porch. I set a goal on Goodreads to read 70 books this year and I am currently 12 behind, so I need to really do some serious sitting on my butt to get caught up. As far as I am concerned, the kids can play frisbee with themselves - these Young Adult Sci-Fi Zombie Romanpocalypses aren’t going to read themselves!! 
3. Eat more Popsicles. This will be hard to do, since I already eat one Popsicle a day (usually right before bed, much to my wife’s chagrin.) But don’t you think one Popsicle a day seems sad and lonely? Shouldn’t that number be closer to 3 or 5? We’re in agreement then? Great. 
4. Catch up on Dr. Who. I’m tired of being behind. I’m sad that I didn’t get to watch Asylum of the Dalek’s with everyone else. I guess I care that Matt Smith is leaving but I haven’t watched any episodes of his yet, so I don’t really care. But I should. And I want to. So I need to kick the Netflix into high gear and get all up to speed on my Timelord Lore. 
5.  Go to more movies by myself. A few weeks ago I really wanted to see Star Trek. And so after the kids were in bed one night, I just went. It was delightful and I loved it. Summer is full of movies that my wife has no interest in seeing. So I should just go. Elysium, I’m looking at you.

So that’s it. I’m not trying to lose 50 pounds. Or finish the great American Novel. Just some good, old-fashioned summer laziness. The world shall be my oyster. My lazy, inconsequential oyster.

faces

I finally shaved my beard and I did that thing where you take pictures of yourself in stages. It was fun. I know it's kind of cliche to do that now, but I couldn't just shave my beard off and act like it was no big deal. That was a ton of hair and I've worked on it since last November! Also I like to show-off and pretend like I'm a bunch of different dudes. Here are my best takes! I took about forty five.

I am really angry! I am going to punch you in the throat.  Or I'm smelling something super gross. Or I just watched Baz Luhrmann's Great Gatsby again.

Life is super hard. Why did I take that Zyrtec? Oh, man. I need some sleep. Why did I have all these kids? Nobody told me they were going to watch Disney Channel shows and just pound, pound, pound up and down the stairs all day with their friends.

What!? Tally-ho! I say! Benedict Cumberbatch, you say? Well, I'd rather. I shall have to report you immediately. Jolly good!

The bald man's Beckham.

Oh, this? Why, this is just a toupee I made from my own hair!

Handsome, at last. Let freedom ring!!!!

puppies all over me

So here's a little commercial I made that is making the rounds on TV.  I shot it a few weeks ago, and it was directed by my friend Daryn Tufts. You know Daryn as Clarence in "Stalking Santa," the movie your parent's "didn't get" and which "wasn't as cute as the box made it look." Daryn is also responsible for casting me in everything he does, and I take this responsibility VERY SERIOUSLY so he has to, too.

Anyway. It was a fun shoot, and just half a day. But here are a few "behind the scenes" pieces of trivia!

We shot this in a house in SLC. The family was absent for the day except for a teenage kid who came home from school, scowled, and hid upstairs with video games.

The clients were worried about my beard. They almost didn't hire me. Daryn and I had to convince them that it was more "hipster" than "homeless." In the end, though, the client was right! I look homeless.

The beagle on my lap was super cute. He farted a little, but who doesn't? He nailed that yawn on his second take. He was really professional. He kind of has dog cancer, so he had a patch of shaved hair on his back. But don't worry, his prognosis is really good. He'll be yawning on couches and farting into laps for years to come.

The lady who supplied the puppies was probably twice as animated as they were. She loved those puppies! She kept bragging about how obedient and cute they were, but they were neither obedient or cute. I thought they smelled bad. And when the director would yell action they would just run off the set. (I know actors like that, too) Anyway, Daryn smeared chicken bits all over my bare chest and in my beard and it worked! The puppies went nuts. What you are seeing in this commercial is nine little puppies literally biting my chest and pulling my beard hair out! Hardest acting I've done in some time. It hurt. If you watch the commercial you'll see a wet spot on my shirt where they stuffed some wet, stringy chicken.

Commercials like this are shot in about four hours. Daryn is pretty great at keeping things moving. In fact, Lisa and Phoebe shot a commercial like this one just before I did. The best part of the day is free lunch. I never want it to end!

au naturale

 

I only have ten minutes to write this blog so I'm going to focus on the one thing that is always on my mind: MY BEARD. Apparently it's on everybody else's mind as well. That's all anyone ever wants to talk about. It's a lot of work explaining it. It's pretty massive, this beard. When I walk down the street, people notice BEARD and if they are brave enough to talk to me, they talk about BEARD.

The reason why I have a beard is because I was cast to play the Apostle Paul in the LDS Church's New Testament film. I'm super excited about it and I get to go to Sicily, so I'm not going to be all whiny about that. But it does come with the caveat that I have to grow a beard, and this beard has been happening since November. And it will continue to happen until June. So it's just going to get worse.

If you are in my ward, you should know all this by now. Why do we need to talk about my beard every Sunday? Yes, it's getting longer! Now, share your testimony or go back to complaining about your calling. I enjoy those conversations. My beard doesn't do anything magical and it has no opinions. No need to discuss it!

If you are a friend, and you are hungry, feel free to search through my beard for a morsel or two. They're in there! There's enough for everyone. I ate lunch at J Dawgs yesterday for lunch and I got solid lick of BBQ sauce at about 8 pm last night! Remarkable! It tasted like it was straight from the bottle!

If you are my wife, keep pretending you think it's sexy. You are doing an amazing job. You scruff it with your fingers and still make-out with me, and it does wonders for my fragile self-esteem. I don't mind if you pull on it! A baby would. It doesn't hurt at all! I like it.

That's all I have to say, and anyway I have to go to a boring training meeting. I will listen to the lady talking and she will occasionally look at me and she will think BEARD and I will think CLOCK ON THE WALL and the other people at the meeting will be thinking BEARD and then it will be over and we will all get on with the rest of our day.