You Want To Be A Polygamist...You Just Have To Think About Longer.

So the other day we were at the splash park, you know the one, just off Center, and there were these two...well, let's just say it, Polygamists.  Okay, so I can't know for sure, they didn't both marry a man right in front of me and I didn't speak a word to them, but I just sorta knew. You know, the way you just look at a woman with her natural hair colored hair in a waist length braid wearing an ankle length black skirt and plaid flanel shirt with 13 kids at a splash park in 90 degree weather with a similarly conspicuous woman. I guess they could have been elderly goth lesbians and I immediately jumped to Polygamist. Whichever they were, it still works with my thought of, 'Man, it would be hard to be a Polygamist (or elderly goth lesbians) in this day and age.'  I mean, wouldn't it just be so much easier to just go a head and NOT be a Polygamist? That's what this age of the universe is all about, right, making things easier?  You think back to when TV had three stations and there was no such thing as a remote control.  I could probably have been a Goth Lesbian back then when everyones life was hard, but now?  Today?!  Really?  You are still choosing such a hard life?  It's like you just are getting up to change the channel on your TV just because you believe it's better.

Polygamists.  I just don't understand.

However, there is one thing I do understand; and that's that I don't understand.

I have a friend who was once married to a man and now she is not.  When I asked her what went wrong she had a pretty good list, as most people in her situation do, but one thing I will always remember she said was, "He truly believed, if I just sat down and thought about it long enough I would come to the same conclusion he had...always."  And it was for big stuff and little stuff.  Just think about it longer and you will know that we should watch Hoosiers again, over Failure to Launch (which he was right about that one!)  Anyway, it really stuck with me, mostly because it just wasn't true, he told her to go think about all the reasons the bedroom should be painted Navy Blue and she went and thought about all the reasons she shouldn't be married to him any more. So that's how that ended.

I think it helps a marriage to know that the other person in it is going to come to different conclusions then you.  But also, I think it helps to point and click on the edge of that thought and drag it to make it bigger.

I don't really get into politics or social studies or math, mostly because I haven't thought about them enough to really back up my opinion. But I do start to prickel when I hear one person talk about a whole group of people of which they are not a part, as if they have thought it more then said group.  For example:  "I saw this Polygamist at a splash park and those people nut jobs."

How do I know if they are nut jobs?!

I've actually thought about Polygamists a lot.  I live in Utah.  I am a Mormon and the subject comes up.  My Great Great Great Grandfather was one and I am his descendant and I still don't understand why a man would enter into a legal...okay, not legal, but a morally binding contract to be the husband of more than one woman. To be the husband and father of more than one house.  I've been a husband for 10 years and a father for 3 and it's been wonderful but it's plenty enough for me, thanks. But for all of my thinking on the thing, I have never thought about it as much as a Polygamist has thought about it! They have thought about it everyday all day and they still make the choices they make. While there are definite exceptions where people aren't given the choice and people do get hurt because bad people are doing bad thing, this is not about that.  I'm thinking about the run of the the mill Polygamist who knows there is another world out there and has made the choice to live different life.

As it turns out, people do think about the things we sometimes think they haven't given enough thought to. Lots of people think the same way you do. But lots of people do not.  And both sides have given it thought and landed on their position because of those thoughts not because they didn't think.

When the Mormons (and more aptly a "Christian Coalition") took on Prop 8 in California and won, I found myself telling my gay friend, who was very upset at the church's involvement, that he shouldn't be upset, the Mormons were better organized, better funded and got more people out to vote than their opposition, it's called politics and they played better and won.  Then, when gay rights supporters started banning Mormon owned business I found myself defending their right to organize and retaliate, it's called politics and they have the right to a rebuttal, did we think that our involvement would be the last word on the matter?  I remember my mother saying, "This one man, all he did was give a hundred dollars and now there is a picket line outside his shop."  But that's just the thing, you throw your hundy into the fray and you become involved.  Our actions impact other real people.  That shop owner thought about it,  he took a stand and it meant something to him and good for him, he should stand up for what he believes, but it also meant something to his gay neighbor and so he thought about it and then he took a stand and good for him, he should stand up for what he believes. Both men thought about the same issue for a long time and still somehow managed to come to a different conclusion.

And that is why we are lucky.

I love this country. Even for the fact that I get to write this blog post.  It's amazing that I get to get to sit down and think about where I stand and what I believe and then act out on those thinkings.  However, it's even more amazing that everyone else is given that same privilege.

Michelle Obama's Not My Momma!

A few weeks ago, my mom casually tossed out that she thought she should get bangs.

"My hair just needs a bit of something; I think that something is bangs."

I should have, at that moment, pushed her face onto a cutting board, whipped out a cleaver and with one solid chop, gave the woman bangs.  It would have alleviated today's phone call...

"SHE STOLE MY BANGS! I can NOT believe it,  SHE STOLE...MY BANGS! I WAS GOING TO GET BANGS! I can't have no Democrat Bangs! Now everyone's dying over her Bangs and THOSE ARE MY BANGS! Now what am I going to do, that woman and her Stop-Feeding-Fat-Kids bangs, she looks ridiculous.  Oh, there they are in a close up, WE SEE THEM, WE GOT IT! THE FRONT PART IS NOW SHORTER THAN THE REST! Oh here we go, the President LOVES her bangs, I am sure, I am SURE he does. I thought he hated 'bangs'!  Get it? Gun Control?! Well now what?! What am I supposed to do with this mess!  I hate my hair, it's all long and parted to one side, I was growing it out so I could cut BANGS and now I'll just look like one of her minions, scalping themselves in adoration...you know, her arms have gotten fat, have you seen them? Did you notice?  I mean, the first inauguration  her arms were amazing, I'll give her that, but this go 'round, wheew, it was like a flying squirrel trying to get your attention. THAT'S why she got bangs, 'Look at my head, not my arms!' She probably walked into the Oval Office with a sleeveless shirt and Joe Biden was like, Woah, she's gonna need some bangs.' Well, I don't care. Everyone knows I was gonna get my bangs and that was way before all this "O-bang-a" garbage went down. My friend Georgia told me they would frame my face...NOW LOOK AT MY FACE! FRAMELESS! Who knows what I've got going on up there?! All this time I've been walking around smiling at people and they were thinking, "What was that?! Was that a face? Was that a painting?  Either way, that thing needs a frame!" I HATE THE DEMOCRATS! They are so selfish. Thoughtless.  You don't see Ann Romney stealing my bangs, NO! She swoops! Like any dignified woman in the public eye should. SWOOP MICHELLE, SWOOP! It's like that little girl from 'The New Girl' is running the country  It's fine for a dumb TV show but you are the Queen of America, SWOOP! I tell ya what, I am not gonna do it.  I can't. Not now. It's all too much.  What would they say at Church? Connie's gone commie, that's what they'd say. They'd all think I'd lost it. I'd be exiled. But my face would have a frame...maybe it's worth it, I mean, I can't let her win, those two have won enough, if you ask me.  Now they win the BANG race? NO ONE'S RACING YOU!  Oh would you look at that, they are showing her from the back, they are talking about her bangs and showing me the back of her head. COME ON C-N-N!  I gonna have to change over to Fox News, see what they have to say about her bangs, that'll cut her down to size...HA, CUT HER RIGHT DOWN...good heavens they are taking a poll.  FOX NEWS IS TAKING A BANG POLL!  Do I like the First Ladies new bangs? NO-I-DO-NOT!  AND IF I WASN'T ON THE PHONE WITH YOU, sweetie,  I WOULD CALL AND LET THEM KNOW!  

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER FOX NEWS! 

I'm going back to CNN, the least I can hope for is reasonably unbiased coverage of her bangs.  Oh, now the president is talking... Of course, of course she did, I should have gone yesterday, I had the appointment, I should have gone to the appointment but the roads were covered with ice, I wasn't gonna kill myself to get OH MY GOSH I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF, SHE'S BACK! She is photo bombing the inauguration! Either that or the camera man is getting sick of this hippy propaganda the President is schlepping and cropping her into the frame. What do you need bangs for, honey, you got CNN framing your face for you!

That's it, I can't take it any more. Good thing I Tivo'd 'Days of Our Lives'...Holy crap Sami's got bangs."

Now, I wasn't recording or anything, and I would hate to paint my mother in any other light other then a beautiful, gracious, forgiving, bangless light, but I'm pretty sure that's how it went down...word for word...no matter what she says in the comments.  

*How long did it take me to find a picture of the President kissing his wife's bangs? Two seconds.  

Friday Link Roundup: Garden of Your Mind

Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Friday Link Round Up. I have scoured the Internet this week for the "best" links from around the web (it's subjective). Today we have an auto-tuned Mr. Rogers that turns out to be quite amazing, a game where you can play as the cast of Community, some ingenious beer passing from experts in Milwaukee, Gandalf, and more.

As always, I have tried to find something to please everyone. I'm such a pleaser.

YouTube: Mr. Rogers | Garden of Your Mind [Video]

Foreign Policy: Does the Pentagon have the right weapons to fight off an alien invasion? [Article]

MacHints: Adjust Your Mac's Volume in Smaller Increments [Forum]

Vulture: 10 Great Medieval Battle Scenes [Slideshow]

Reddit: Download and Play Community's 8-bit "Journey to the Center of Hawkthorne" [Download]

Funny or Die: Hey, Pass Me a Beer! [Video]

What caught your eyes and your hearts this past week?

Happy Presidents Day!

Stop! Before you run out and celebrate Presidents Day by making your ice sculpture of Mount Rushmore or reenacting the Lincoln assassination or putting up your Roosevelt tree with all the trimmings, I have a question I’d like to pose.

Since this is an election year (I’m assuming you don’t live under a rock, so you are well aware of this), what do you think would make you a good presidential candidate for 2012?

If you were to make a list of all of my wonderful strengths and unparalleled abilities…then first of all, I’d like to see that list. But second of all, political savvynessocity wouldn’t be on there.

To prove my point, here is my list of Top 10 things I would do immediately upon being your new president, and moving into the White House.

1. I would call Bono and say, “Come to the White House. I’d like to talk about a real solution for forgiving third-world debt.” And then when he arrived, I’d be waiting in the White House Concert Hall, and I’d say, “Just kidding, dude, here’s a guitar, let’s start with “Where the Streets Have No Name,” and play all the way through The Joshua Tree. Where are Edge, Larry, and Adam? I’m pretty sure I told you to bring them.”
2. Then, so there were no hard feelings, I’d have the #1 White House Chef make up a mess of bangers n’ mash for dinner. (I hear the Edge loves bangers n’ mash.) And since we’d be hanging out all night, for breakfast the next morning, of course, Lucky Charms.
3. Then I would take Air Force One out for a spin. (Not with U2 though, because frankly, they have their own ride, and Air Force One is my time.) Me and my First Lady would spend some time in Fiji, New Zealand, Italy, and the Azores.
4. I would throw a ginormous barbecue on the White House Lawn with all my friends, and as kind of a bon voyage party for all the snooty celebrities that had threatened to leave the country if I were elected president. I would convert half of the lawn into a miniature golf course, and the other half into a water slide park. The White House Chefs would be cooking all day (because let’s face it, I’m going to be putting them to work 24/7, as it is only a matter of days before I am impeached.)
5. I would have my secretary call Lorne Michaels and arrange for my immediate hosting of Saturday Night Live; and let everyone know that I will be bringing some of my own sketches, that I wrote in college. Also I would like them to invite Steve Martin, Tom Hanks, Amy Poehler, and the late Phil Hartman to appear as “special guests.” (Coldplay as musical guests.)
6. I would arrange for a private screening at the White House Movie Theater Room of Three Men and a Baby, and hold a discussion about my conspiracy theory of how Steve Guttenberg managed to make so many movies in the 80s.
7. I would also arrange for a kind of hybrid game of “Hide and Seek” and “Paintball.” Where legislators and I would put on camouflage and hunt each other throughout the White House. (Think of how many awesome rooms there would be to hide in! … I  KNOW!) And if they catch me, then I won’t veto the bill; but if they don’t, then I get to veto whatever I want.
8. Since I have never watched a Super Bowl game, then I would of course want to appear at the half time show and perform with The Police. I would play the cowbell, just to mess with people’s minds, and kind to see if I could start a fight between Sting and Stewart Copeland.
9. I would constantly be meeting with my publicist and Hollywood folks, who would be working on my biography/movie entitled, Impeachment: My 72 Hours in the White House.
10. I would contact Ben & Jerry and insist they create a new flavor named after me. Executive Craig Chip or Craig-o-licious. Presidential Party in Your Mouth. Something. I trust them.

Perhaps I don’t possess the qualities you are looking for in the CEO of America. I get that. But consider this. YOU would be invited to that White House lawn party! How ya like me NOW?!