Wednesday, November 27, 2013

thanksgiving: what's hot? what's not?

I know Thanksgiving is only a day away, but it's not too late for you to prepare for the most awesome day of your life. Or the worst day, if you don't follow my suggestions. Thanksgiving is a super important day to let people know how hot you are! So trust me. I promise you'll be "grateful" to know what's hot and what's not this year.



Everyone is talking about The Mayflower and how it brought the pilgrims over and blah blah blah. You know what it also brought over? Smallpox. Nobody talks about that. Maybe you should remind everyone that we brought more than just cuff links and blunderbusses on that rickety old floater. Everyone will want to sit next to you at dinner and hear all about smallpox!

Crazy Sweaters

You know that awful crazy lunatic sweater you wore three years ago to that bad sweater party? 'Member that? It's back in style. My son Owen just bought one. I thought it was a joke. It was not. He bought it at H&M and they basically tell us what to do. I am going to buy one! I will buy a really horrible one, and most people will like it. They will be embarrassed that they are still wearing boring old cardigans from Target. These people will never stay forever 21, that's for sure. This year, we're getting crazy!


Turkey is in every year, you guys, but this year it's suuuuuuper in. DO NOT have a Thanksgiving meal tomorrow without a little turkey! It's delicious and it makes you sleep after you eat it. Plus, it's our national bird. Thanks, Ben Franklin!

Hunger Games: Catching Fire

You haven't seen this yet? You need to book tickets for tonight. I'm serious. Everyone is going to be talking about it at the dinner table. Nobody cares about Thor or Ender's Game anymore, so if that's all you will be flummoxed. You got nothin.' Hunger Games: Catching Fire is about a girl who puts on a dress and it lights on fire, and then she has two boyfriends but (SPOILER) one of them might be a girl! The blond one. Also, more people get murdered.


Thanks to Zooey Deschanel, it's totally hot to play the ukulele and sing cute ditties while everyone is having pie. You have a few more hours to learn "over the river and through the woods" but the good news is that the ukulele is one of the simplest and most simple instruments to learn (overnight.) It's super simple! Here are the chord progressions. Ignore the second verse, though, because it just talks about Christmas.


Your diseases

Nobody wants to hear about: your flu, your cold, your hypertension, your fibromyalgia, your ADD. Jeeze Louise, give us a break! Anyway, smallpox is in this year. So if you don't have that, just talk about some other stuff. Talk about TV shows you like. But please, please stop talking about Revenge!

Dissing your mom

She worked hard on that meal! Oh, you don't like those potatoes? Interesting. Maybe you should make them next year, huh? Not enough pie this year? Oh, golly, next time YOU go to Costco and wait in line and hold some stranger's crying baby because their hands were full. I'd like to see that! I'd like to see you lift a single finger to help anyone! Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you are happy that you were born!

Prescription drugs

This is a real thing. I'm not joking around. Kids steal those things and sell them. You have nieces and nephews? They will steal your meds. It's just a matter of time. This year, fill your medicine cabinet with rattly old marbles and when your klepto-handed nieces and nephews go in for the steal you'll hear the racket of marbles all over the tile floor. It's hilarious, and it's revealing!

Giving up

Whatever it is, you can do it! Giving up is so last year. This year, you can do anything you put your mind to! If you dream it, you can achieve it! Except flying. That's off the table. But anything else you can totally achieve! In fact, you can probably achieve it tomorrow.

Sweet Potatoes/Yams

Nope. Don't pretend you like them! Nobody does. And anyway, pretending to like sweet potatoes/yams is NOT HOT. A hotter alternative this year is quinoa.

Good luck everyone! Put on your sweater and let's make this the best Thanksgiving ever.
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