Wednesday, March 13, 2013

top of the mornin'

St. Patrick's Day is coming up, and it begs the question. How much do you know about the Irish? No - but how much do you really know about the Irish? I thought maybe I'd take a minute and tell you a little about our magical friends across the pond. Clear up some misconceptions. So listen up: you just might learn something!

1. The Irish love Lucky Charms. I'm serious about this! All they think about is oat flour with corn starch and marshmallow bits. They are obsessed! They will steal your Lucky Charms if you don't watch it. That's another thing about the Irish: they love to steal!

2. The Irish ride around on donkeys and live in thatched cottages. They are very quaint, and everything is very green in Ireland. Even their clothes (including pork pie hats.) They love to have visitors come pay 'em a call. Their door is always open, except when they are busy growing shamrocks.

3. Looking for a pot of gold? Look no further than the hills of Ireland, where pots of gold are about as commonplace as strip malls are in Orem. I mean, you don't even have to follow a rainbow or anything! Even though I have never been to Ireland, that's what I have heard from reliable sources. You can pick up a pot of gold and then do a dance through the heather on the hills. Watch out, though, you may have to duel it out with a leprechaun! (J/K, leprechauns don't exist! LOL)

4. Irish people love potatoes. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a one knows potatoes like the Irish do! And nobody grows 'em like the Irish. Often they will eat potatoes cold - like apples - and then chase 'em down with a pint of beer. It's really great to watch (I'm told.) Then they will take sticks and scare away snakes. (Whatever!)

5. The Irish people are violent and potentially dangerous. Sadly, nobody is perfect. Sometimes the Irish people put bombs in pubs and blow people up. But that doesn't happen very often. You shouldn't worry about it if you go there, unless you go to Belfast. Then you shouldn't go around talking about pots of gold and Bono. And don't stay at youth hostels. Those are always a disaster. So gross.

6. Irish people make fishing hats out of lambswool. This is true! I have one. A leprechaun gave it to me.

7. Irish people sometimes eat their babies. They have potato famines there, so can you blame them?

8. If you live in Ireland and your name is Patrick, they will call you Paddy. If your name is Michael, they will call you Mick. If your name is Daniel, they'll call you Danny. If your name is Tricia, they will call you Shelby. (because they are drunk.)

9. Irish people are extraordinarily lucky! Have you heard of the Luck of the Irish? Well, that little saying really sums it all up. If their luck runs out, they die. And then they "keen," which is where people cry over dead bodies and sing "Danny Boy".

10. Famous Irish people include: Liam Neeson, Daniel Day-Lewis, Bono, Fiona Shaw, Ewan McGregor, and Sean Connery!

I'm about to submit this article to Wikipedia. Let me know if you have anything you would like to add to my list of fascinating things about Irish people. I pretty much know everything, but I'm not too proud to accept additional info!
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