My extraordinary inheritance

The first time I remember feeling like a father was ... let me explain.

When I showed up for my first date with Amelia, I knocked on the door and, when she opened it, I thought three things: "She is beautiful," "She's out of my league. Enjoy this one date." and "Her kids seem really great." She was a single mom of a boy (Aidan, 6) and a girl (Isabella, 18 months).

I was 34. I had never been married but had dated women with kids before. Some I got very close to and some I never really got to meet. If I was allowed to be around my various girlfriends' kids, it was always heartbreaking when things didn't work out. I mention this because it's important to understand that I definitely knew what was at stake, having been through it before.

By the time I met Amelia, I was more confident about who I was, what I wanted, and where I wanted to go in life than I had ever been before. I was on the right track—finally—and in just the right headspace. I had come to grips with the fact that I could be single forever or, at least, for a really long time. It was all right. That didn't mean that I would avoid marriage; it just meant that I wouldn't let the pressure of finding someone to spend life with make me choose someone just because they were nice or pretty or cool. I wanted to be a dad almost as much as I wanted to be married, but, again, I wasn't willing to stress, settle, sacrifice, or impregnate just so I could be.

When I started dating Amelia, I fell fast for her. Because I loved her so much, it was inevitable that I would love her kids. I'd arrive to pick her up and, while she perfected her make-up, I'd play Ring Around the Rosie or London Bridge with her daughter and have pillow fights or play Find the Hotwheels with her son. These kids were amazing individuals. In six months, Amelia and I were married. Insta-family.

On that day I became a guardian to two wonderful kids. Aside from hiccups here and there, I really took to the role of father figure. But, you see, as I recall the events of the last seven years, it's difficult for me to single out one defining moment where I finally felt like a father because every moment with them kept defining it.

But, I think I can narrow it down to a handful of them.

With Aidan, I'm his step-dad. We've always gotten along but it's been a challenge to know how to fit in to his life like a dad without it feeling like I'm trying to be his dad. We do a pretty good impression of a father and son though. For us it's been soccer in the backyard, me letting him win. Laughing at jokes that only he and I get. Playing video games and screaming at the action. Nerding out about some show or game or film. Showing him something I loved, like Back to the Future, for the first time and him loving it too.

There are the moments Patrick wrote about where you've been driving and they're all asleep and you have to unbuckle them and, without any words, you pick them up and their hair is wet with sweat and their fists are clenched and they nuzzle into your neck and you carry them to bed and kiss them on the forehead and they make that noise that can only be interpreted, in that moment, as thank you.

One time, when Amelia and I were engaged, Bella needed to spit out her gum and I, without a thought, held out my hand and she, without a thought, spit it into my hand and I threw it away.

The day of our sealing (pictured above).

The times Izzy got hurt or scared and I was the first person she ran to.

There's the baptisms, blessings, confirmations, and ordinations. The recitals, performances, and concerts. The bedtime prayers and tuck-ins. Christmas shopping and Christmas morning. The middle-of-the-night stories or jokes to soothe them.

Adoption day.

There is Bella's adoption day when she legally became my daughter and I got to testify, before a judge, that I wanted to be her dad and how I would always do my best to love and protect her.

Then, there was the day I married Amelia. Right before the ceremony, Bella was crying because she couldn't see her mom. The sweet two-year old couldn't be consoled. I watched as moms, dads, sisters, brothers, and others tried to help out. Finally, I walked out from under the arbor, gently picked her up, put her blanket over my shoulder and just held her. She nestled her head on my shoulder and stopped crying. Instantly.

So, it might be that moment. Still, maybe you should ask Bella if she remembers when she first felt it. Because, as much as these moments feel like "dad" to me, until I became Dad to her, I never truly was one.

A Father Is Born

I became a father on August 8, 1997, 8:42 a.m.

Katie and I had been married [just shy of] two years, and I felt comfortable and confident in my role as an adoring husband. I was less sure of myself in the role of a dad.

I don't remember this photo being taken, but I precisely remember sitting in that chair, holding Abbie. I remember feeling still. Present in the moment, and by the same measure, caught up in this sense of eternity. It was an instant when I felt like I should have the most profound observations and declarations to make; but for the life of me, I could not find a single, coherent word. I don't think I'm an exceptional writer or orator, but I had thought I was at least good enough to express what it's like to hold your newborn child. The words never came.  I felt them. I just couldn't say them. They seemed somehow deficient.

I remember the distinct impression that Abbie's spirit was older than mine. I don't know how doctrinally accurate that is, but it was a clear thought, in a sea of sleep-deprived thoughts.

I felt inadequate, underqualified, and flawed. But I also felt completely motivated by love. And I think that calmed me. I think love magnifies efforts, covers mistakes, and corrects foolishness. I hadn't left that hospital room yet when I felt like a dad for the first time, because I felt propelled by an undeniable love for this beautiful, heavenly-scented infant that was mine.

A Clean House and Kids Who Love Each Other

This is my father, when he was probably about the age I am now. He has way more awesome hair than me, but I too could rock those high-waisted green pants

When I was a kid, any time a gift giving occasion (birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day, etc.) was approaching and we kids asked my mom what she wanted she would always say "I just want a clean house and kids who love each other." And we would always roll our eyes. We just wanted to go and buy something and be done with it! We didn't want to have to clean or get along. So inevitably we would buy her something she didn't really need and then argue in the messy basement that we refused to clean about who had dibs on the TV.

I feel kinda bad about that now. And now I get what my mom was getting at. As a parent, you don't really need a lot of stuff. Sure, I love stuff! I have a whole Amazon wishlist full of stuff that I want. (Also, Father's Day is my 35th birthday. I'm just sayin'.) But that's not what I want to get from my kids. It is really the simple things, like having a clean house, and having kids not scream at each other for large chunks of the day, that would make me really happy. So here, in no particular order, is the list of the simple things that I hope my kids give to me this father's day:

• When you wake up on my day off at 7am and I am still sleeping, you don't need to come into my bedroom to announce that you are awake and you are going to the bathroom now.
• When I am in the bathroom, please leave me alone. Why must that moment be when a fight breaks out, or the Wii won't work, or you need to tell me about the new level you just made on Minecraft? Can it wait 5 min, please?
• Please don't make me cut the crusts of your bread today. I know this is my own failure as a parent that I introduced you to the idea that crusts could be removed. If I could give any advice to new parent's it would be don't ever take the crusts off your children's bread! My children won't even eat the outer edge of a tortilla because they say it is the crust.
• Let me use the iPad sometimes.
• No Caillou or Twist (It doesn't go a little something like this) for an entire day.
• On that note, can we listen to my music in the car? And not The Laurie Berkner Band?
• Don't make me find your stuff. I rarely know where my own stuff is. I most certainly don't know where Gumdrop the Caterpillar, or the Wii remote or a very specific hot wheels car is.
• Just love each other. There is nothing better than when your kids get along.

So, Mom, sorry for thinking your gift idea was lame all those many years ago. Once again, you are proven right. And to my Dad who I think might occasionally read this blog, Happy Father's Day. I'm still hoping to someday measure up to being the kind of dad that you are. And I'm jealous of your hair (and your green pants.)

If you were unable to get any material gift ideas from my Amazon wish list, last year I wrote a Father's Day gift guide for Today's Mama. I think there are still some good ideas there. Check it out.

since you asked...

I’m excited for the opportunity to express what I want for father’s day publicly, because somehow it’s easier to ask for expensive presents from my wife online than in person. There’s a certain chickenish hesitation I have in asking for pricey items face to face; I need to gear myself up before I do it. A good stiff drink and a pep talk seem to help, but at the end of the day I’m still a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking for an ipad or something. So this is really a great idea, Josh, since it allows me to ask for what I want and then cower under a digital rock while I wait for Lisa to respond.

What I want for father’s day is two new suits. Is that so big of a deal? I’m in London this month and I found a shop on High Street Kensington selling two suits for one; and the suits are really sharp! European tailoring, great fabrics. Bottom line? I gotta have one! Or two. Because it’s a two for one sale. Normally I wouldn’t get all excited about some dumb suits, but since I’m a counselor in the bishopric I am de facto expected to wear suits every Sunday. It’s become, for me, sort of a uniform. And I’ve resolved myself into thinking that the suits I currently have, which are cut and tailored for middle-aged men, are really my only options. If you go to Mr. Mac or Men’s Wearhouse or Jos A Bank you have to settle for these big, bulky suits with boxy jackets and pleated pants. And those are the worst things for gentlemen built like myself: wide shoulders and skinny legs. I wind up looking like a classy butterball turkey, or a clown executive. But what are my options? I hate the way I look in suits, but there’s no choice. Outside the military, no one seems to like wearing uniforms.

But if I had two new suits, suits cut for men who aren’t big inflated blueberries, I think I would be excited to wear them. And I would be more excited for church! And my testimony would continue to strengthen week by week. So everybody wins here, right? But mostly me. I mostly win. And isn’t that what father’s day is all about? Letting dad win? (and also personal salvation?)

So, if you know my wife, drop her a line. Check in to offer your support for two new, crisply tailored suits for her husband who has to be at church sometimes 8 hours on a Sunday. Remind her I'll still have to be gone all that day, but at least she can rest easy in the knowledge that I'll be looking super suave as I count the tithing.

A Very Part Time Authors' Father's Day

I’m sure I don’t need to point out to you that this coming Sunday is our nation’s most treasured holiday, coming in just after Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Mother’s Day, Halloween, Fourth of July, New Year’s, Groundhog Day (mostly because of the movie), and Free Scoop Day at Ben & Jerry’s…that’s right, Father’s Day!

If you’ve been reading Part Time Authors for a while now, then first of all – thank you! – but more to my point, you’ve probably come to a few conclusions about each of us. Like that Josh loves to cook, Chris stars in commercials, Patrick can beat the crap out of drunk people, Brett is adept at Internet Surfing, and I am lucky to call these gentleman some of my most treasured friends.

But what better way to really get to know somebody then to find out what kind of gifts they prefer to receive?! I ask you, WHAT? Okay, you who suggested a rousing game of Truth or Dare; that’s probably accurate, but this is neither the place nor the appropriate decade.

So this week, each of us at PTA will be sharing with you, our cherished readers, what we want for Father’s Day. And I am going to try with all the strength of my soul to not go with the same answers I have gone with since childhood – 1) A personal machine that prints an unending supply of money and 2) the ability to fly.

Let’s see, I have seven children, so that’s seven gifts, right?

1. I would like to take a Father’s Day nap right here.

2.  I think it would be great to receive, gift-wrapped for Father’s Day, a wildly successful reality TV show starring my family! It could be called Ken & Kate, Plus 8. Though that would require we produce another child. Maybe we could go with Katie & Ken, Plus 7. Think of it! Wouldn't you watch that show?! An LDS family that home births, home schools, and lives in the Caribbean! (We are willing to move.) Think of the controversy! The fish-out-of-water, slice-of-life episodes! The paychecks!

3. A lifetime supply of this deliciousness.

4. A dinner party with my PTA friends, plus the cast of Parks & Rec.

5. To be paid writer; successful in the book publishing industry, as well as Hollywood screenplays, sketch comedy, and Hallmark cards.

6. An all-expense paid, month-long vacation with my family, traveling the world!

7. The ability to fly! (I can't help myself.)

(This is the only quasi-superhero outfit I've recently tried on. It looks an awful lot like a wet-suit.)

So tune in each day and find out what we at PTA are truly searching for this Father's Day. And for the love of heaven, join the party and leave a comment letting us know what you would like as well. Maybe we'll get it for you! (Probably not, though. I have a feeling that the other guys have already blown our annual budget by flying in the cast of Parks & Rec for Sunday dinner! Can't wait!)