Wednesday, May 29, 2013

ice capades

First off, watch this video. Watch the whole thing. It's short.

Then, imagine that this girl is named Deb, and that this is going through Deb's brain:

"OK, Deb. You got this. You are going to go out there and nail it. You have a classy black outfit from Chicos. There are hot hockey guys out there and they totally got your back. OK, I'm walking out there now. I'm Celine Dion. I have this. I practiced, you know, a few times. Ooh! Watch that ice! Haha I'm totally fine. I know exactly how far to hold this mic from my mouth. I got this. I'm singing now. I sound really great. I sure wish people would be a little more quiet for this, but whatevs. You guys like vibrato, right? I'm nailing it. I hold my notes just long enough for you to hear my training. Why does my tummy feel funny? As if I'm about to bomb a line? I sure love the Twilight series. Oh, crap! Why did I just think about the Twilight series? I think I just sang the twilight part too early. I JUST SANG THE TWILIGHT PART TOO EARLY! I think I might be Canadian! I think the devil just grabbed my tongue with a double pronged cork puller! My mom warned me about this! She told me to practice and I was too busy dropping coin at Chicos and the Undertease store. My mom told me I would fail. She's told me all my life. She's right! I just bombed the national anthem and now everyone knows I hate freedom. I want to swear soooooo bad right now! What am I'm going to do? I know - apologize! SUPER FAST. Done. Nailed it. I just squeaked out the meekest little "sorry" you have ever heard and now I'm busting through these hockey chimps and they are looking at me like my face is a puck. Which is totally how they are all the time. I dated a hockey guy in high school, you know. That guy was a keeper, whoo boy! He drove a pinto and bought me a Charleston Chew and called it dinner. Well, it takes a lot more than that to woo a lady, my man! A lot more. Especially if she's got training. With vibrato like mine I deserve at least the Sizzler. I high tailed it right out of that relationship (as soon as I got my Sugar Ray CD back) cuz I don't chase waterfalls! I cannot believe that I just beefed that song, you guys. I'm hiding in a corner behind two hockey dudes and wedged into the corner of a Gatorade dispenser. Is this mic still on? I have friends out there. I have fans! They are probably so mad. I would be. They paid a lot of money to hear me sing this. I don't even know what to do. I'm feeling so much inertia right now. I am trying to think what Katie Couric would tell me to do. She'd probably tell me to get right back out there, wouldn't she. She did. They fired her from the CBS News even though she had sexy, waxy legs and still she kept coming back. And now she has a daytime talk show with strict rainbow-colored clothing codes for the audience. Oh man. I should probably go back out there. Are they booing out there? Yes. No. Are they? Is it me they are booing? I'll show them. I paid good money for this jacket! I'm going back out. I totally know this song. Anyways, I have the words written on this piece of paper. Deb is a doer. I got this. I'm going back out there. Nothing happened, y'all! Keep movin'! Cue that track and let's have a do over! I'm confident and I totally have this. I owe it to our fallen. "What so proudly." I know it. Everyone has probably forgotten by now. I'm going to sound great! I'm walking out. Moving through, you hockey bums! Just one more step onto the ice, now! I got this..."
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