Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Sven, I Think That's Right

I think we've all had a lot of fun this week digging into the stories of two quirky princess and their icy powers and (alleged) lesbian tendencies. But I think the story of Anna and Elsa is pretty straightforward. Ice Queen, frozen heart, true love, blah, blah, blah. We've seen it all before. But there is one part of the movie that chills me (Ha!) me to the core: the pro-Reindeer, anti-people message.

Everyone knows that reindeer are literally the worst. The smell bad, they are rude, and if you've ever had a Christmas morning mess up (iPhone 5c instead of 5s, for example. The worst!!) you know that it is 100% the fault of some sloppy reindeer who can't do his job right.

I'm not saying we shouldn't have reindeer. I just kinda wish they'd stay in the North Pole. Or Asguardia, or whatever the name of that Frozen kingdom is. But there are several points in the Frozen story where there is clearly a strong pro-Reindeer message being directed at the impressionable minds of our children, who I believe are our future.

Of course there's a whole song about how reindeer are better than people. That's pretty obvious. But almost too obvious. Like they put that their so you think "Well, surely they don't really feel that way - this is clearly parody." They know that if they throw their pro-reindeer agenda right in your face you will reject in out of hand. But here are a few more subtle moments.

  1. Sven, the reindeer is always trying to Olaf's carrot nose, but always stops at the last minute. Because "they're friends" you are supposed to believe. But let's be serious, Reindeer will eat your carrot nose! They will eat it every time!! Totally unrealistic. Also, everyone knows that reindeer and snowmen are blood enemies, ever since the Northern Wars of 1917.
  2. Kristoff rides Sven like a horse, where you can see him appearing to gallop like he's some sort of fun loving pony. Reindeer can't gallop. Everyone knows that fly, like bats. And when they are on the ground they waddle, like ducks. But of course DISNEY with the PRO- REINDEER agenda didn't want to show a reindeer waddling really fast. So they made him gallop, so our CHILDREN would love him.
  3. When the rock gnomes sing about the reasons that Kristoff is a fixer-upper they site "that he tinkles in the woods." When I was a kid we used to go fishing with my grandma in a boat. And when we had to go to the bathroom she didn't want us to just pee off the side of the boat, like some sort of boat-side-peeing savage. So we had to pee into a bucket, which she called the "Tinkle Bucket" which we would then dump over the side of the boat. And if we had to go to the bathroom she would scream, "Steven! Get the tinkle bucket!" And I guess people say tinkle because it sounds less gross. So when they say Kristoff goes tinkle in the woods its supposed to seem cute and charming and you know who else tinkles in the woods? REINDEER! But its not cute. You probably missed this part, but I paid really close attention and that is what they are trying to do. 
  4. Remember when they are running from the wolves? Total fraud. Reindeer eat wolves in the wild. Google it.
Don't get me wrong. Some of my best friends are reindeer or have pet reindeer, so I am not some crazy reindeer hater. If you want to live in arctic climates, have fuzzy antlers and have specialized noses with nasal turbinate bones, that's fine. Just don't bring your ruminate four-chambered stomach to my neighborhood in the Wasatch Mountains.

Anyway, I've seen Frozen three times (once was a sing-a-long) so I didn't just make this stuff up. I have watched closely and taken notes and think this reindeer threat is something we all need to take more seriously and that we need to protect our children from. I mean, if you want your kids to think that they can be friends with a reindeer AND have a carrot nose, do what you will. But as for me and my house...

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