Wednesday, February 6, 2013

I like gross candy.

I love Valentine's Day. And not because of love and romance. I hate those things. I love it because I love candy hearts. Not the slightly soft, flavorful kind. The really crunchy kind that taste like hard sugar. I like to stock up when they go on sale and eat them all year long.

I know they are not every one's cup of tea because, you know, they taste like hard sugar. But for some strange reason, that's my favorite kind of candy. Candy Hearts, Necco Wafers, Pez. I love them all. I work at a store that sells candy and we sell these:
Candy Buttons. I love them. And I have LITERALLY never seen anyone else buy them in more than a year working there. The only person I ever know who has bought them is me. And I will only buy them when I am in a neighboring store, because I don't want to explain to my employees why I like them. If you've never had them, they taste like this: Remember when you were a kid and your mom would make you a birthday cake in a 9x13 pan and stick those little candy letters on it to spell Happy Birthday? And you would just pull the letters off and throw them away? They taste like those.

I remember once in high school I was with a girl I liked and we went to the local frozen yogurt shop. It was the early 90s! Golden Swirl was the bomb. When it was time to order our toppings she got gummy bears (which I categorically disagree with because the yogurt makes them hard, so gross.) and I ordered...sprinkles. And she was mortified. "Sprinkles!" she gasped, "Who orders those?! They don't taste like anything!!" It was like I had asked them to put baby corpses on my yogurt. (Though I would imagine those have a very distinct flavor.) Needless to say, that relationship didn't last.

So this Valentine's Day if you were planning on sending me a box of chocolates, that is so thoughtful of you but don't bother. I don't want that caramel or chocolate. But send me a box of hearts, buttons, Pez and sprinkles and I'll be your valentine. 
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