a gift for me

I have been charged with sharing Christmas gift ideas this week. It's a little complicated for me, though, because I don't like Christmas gifts all that much.

I'm not sure what it is, but something about getting Christmas presents makes me uncomfortable. I feel weird that someone bought something for me and is desperately hoping I will like it. I always wonder if I showed enough love or appreciation for the present. If it's a toy, did the person see me playing with it for an adequate time? If it's clothes, did the person see me get excited and put it on? Or wear it around hip and awesome places? If it's a book, should I tell the person that I don't love reading fiction? If it's music, should I tell the person I probably already have it? If it's expensive, do I immediately feel the ensuing guilt of realizing that the gift I bought them was a fraction of the cost?

Of course there's also the possibility that the person doesn't really care about the present they bought me. Maybe they drew my name out of a hat or something. When I draw a name out of a hat it's a really last minute present. Last Christmas I gave my sister-in-law Gina a kit to scare off her husband's stalker (true story) and it took some real planning and creativity, but that was a rare effort for me. Most times I buy a few gift cards, go away, and sin no more.

It's not that I hate Christmas. I love Christmas! I just feel a little meh about presents. I would rather give you a special hug and share some hot toddy. I like parties and friends and food. That's what Christmas means to me! Also Mariah Carey songs.

So if you want to give me a gift for Christmas, I would love something cheap and homemade. It would mean everything to me. Don't buy me junk. I don't need it. And what I do need, I'll probably buy myself. Consider the following:

1. Write me a letter and list the things you like about me, with four or five things you would like me to change.

2. Knit me a hat (any color) (but don't put silly things on it like fake eyes or patches)

3. Give me a head massage (30 minutes minimum)

4. Make me a batch of popcorn or a box of donuts

5. Come over to my house and play a special song on your musical instrument while I lay under the Christmas tree.

I think these are all doable. Please consider them. Or something like them. This goes for you too, Lisa. Although you can be a little more "creative" with your presents. I think you know "what I mean." In case you don't, I think I mean something a little more "sexy."

Happy homemade Christmas!!!! And remember, the Baby Jesus never asked for an ipad. And the wise men never gave him one. And all the angels still sang.

You Want Gift Ideas?!

You've come to the right place.

Alright let's get started.  You got crap you gotta get done and frankly it's December 11th, some people are done will all this, but not you. So let me knock out your perfect gifts and then you can move on to other blogs that are doing nothing to get you ready for the big day...not us...that's why you came here first.

Neighbors: 
You sort of like them, but the real point is you need to be prepared if they come over and give you something you need something thoughtful and generic.

Boom!  The Monogram Mug, easy you don't even have to know the persons first name, just give them the first letter you see on the mail box.  Or if you really don't know these people, get a "Q", it's a charming letter also, looks adorable filled with Q-tips in the guest bathroom...and you thought this was going to be a funny, not helpful post...wrong again lady.

Kids:  
I do recommend reading yesterdays post by Ken, it's magic.  But if you are over your budget in magic, then might I suggest, a book:

The Little Prince.  It's an amazingly beautiful pop-up book with lots of pictures and words, so if you are looking for your youngest or dumbest child, get them a Monogram Mug...least they'll learn one letter.



Sister-in-Law:
You know the one I'm talking about, she's nice but only comes to Sunday dinner like three times a year, and you drew her name and now you're at a loss because you know your brother is waiting to see if you really like her or not.  Easy.

It's one of these vases.  BLAM-O! No, really, that Tiffany Blue Vase with the Coral Chrysanthemum is $28.00 and she will die, it shows you think she has swuper cute taste and that you and her do have one thing in common. It's that vase.

Sister:
You love her and she is off in DC, still single, and living the sexy life you once had before you married me.  Well, PTA comes through for you here too.

It's this sweater, now you're thinking "A sweater? Really, I mean, it's a cute one, but for my baby sister?"  YES.  She is out there all alone and for some reason is looking rock star sexy, this sweater gives the gift of style mingled with modesty, a little baggy, a little boob snugging, she'll love it and you will have done your part.
You're welcome.

Mom:
Luckily she's easy, she's been dropping hints since October, but she's right. You knew it before she told you.

Royal Apothic Conservatory Collection Eau De Parfum: Noble Carnation.  For reals I have smelled this stuff and it is intoxicating. Also I have smelled your mom and she thinks she smells like this, but she doesn't, she will love it and so will your dad...gross.

Finally...

Husband:
He wants a flat screen.  Nothing funny there.  I wish I could be more help, but you chose him, luckily you only said, " 'till death do you part." That way you can shop around Heaven and find a guy who wants this for Christmas:

A Bamboo Mouse and Keyboard.  But no.  He wants a flat screen.  The one tip I can give you is that he wants it bigger then the one he has, also to find that measurement, use your fabric tape measurer (your grandmothers) and measure diagonally across the screen, just the screen sweetie, then take that number to the guy at Best Buy and tell him the next one up from that, he'll know what to do.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS from all of us at PTA! 


*All the afore mentioned gifts can be got at your local Anthropologie...where else.

What Santa's Workshop Looks Like

Do you share your home with young souls that currently have visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads? (And by “young souls” I mean children. And by “sugarplums” I mean presents. And by “heads” I mean bee’s nests.)

Well, from now on your troubles will be miles away, my friend – MILES a way. Have I got a magical place for you! It’s called Blickenstaff’s; and a finer toy store you will not find in all of Utah and possibly the universe.

 

What’s kind of cool about Blickenstaff’s is that while you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a toy store nowadays, Blickenstaff’s carries hundreds of toys and candy items that cannot be found in the big box stores. Original and often vintage toys and candy. And I love that they have many of the toys actually out of the boxes, so you and your kids can get a hands-on experience with them to see if you like what you're buying.

Last year we nabbed one of these gems that almost 12 months later is still played with like it’s fresh out from under the Christmas Tree. Watch this video and be amazed at how cool it looks despite the obnoxious voice over.

Know what one of the most popular items is for this holiday season? I already asked for you. I was told that it’s this:

It’s called Spot It, and it’s selling like crazy-cakes. I bought one on the spot – on the spot! My kids have been playing it non-stop. I don’t know how to play it yet, because I’m too busy writing blog posts to sit down and do that. But I hear lots of laughter behind me as I type away.

We recently went to the Blickenstaff’s in Provo and as we walked outside, into the beautifully well-lit Riverwoods, there was Santa, just sitting there by a fire. My four year old, Becca, ran up onto his lap. This was their discussion, and I’m not making this up.

Santa: What would you like for Christmas, Becca?

Becca: Everything inside Blickenstaff’s.

Santa didn't respond, because evidently, when you’re Santa, that mantle comes with the gift of restraint. He just laughed like a bowl full of jelly as he looked me in the eye, as if to say, "Nice goin', slick. Take your daughter directly from the toy store to Santa's lap. First time at the rodeo?" 

"Not completely, Fat Man," I wanted to say. "I'll be back for my free pound of bulk candy, sucka!"

Please check in at Part Time Authors each day this week to find helpful Holiday Gift Ideas! 

Ranking the December 2012 Movie Releases

It's the holiday season which, for me, means it's time to watch movies until my eyes bleed. I'm so excited about the December movie season that I've created a list of ranking each movie coming out this month, in order of best to worst, so you know how to best spend your holiday viewing time. Here you go.*

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey - Somehow they turned a 320 page book into the movies. I sort of don't care because Martin Freeman is going to own the role of Bilbo Baggins. The book itself is sort of anti-climatic but I know Peter Jackson will find a way to make each movie great.

Les Misérables: I know it's cliché but this is my favorite musical ever, probably. It's between this and Sweeny Todd. Anyway, the previews are heartbreaking and I can't wait to see it. Read Josh's post here to watch a bunch of stuff about it.

Django Unchained: There's nothing like Christmas and Tarantino.

This is 40: I love Paul Rudd. Like in a manly, I-wish-I-were-him, comedy-idol sort of way. It's an unnecessary sequel thing but I bet there's enough laughs in it to chase the winter depression away for a few hours.

Monsters Inc (in 3D): I cry every time. Every time. "Kitty!"

Jack Reacher: It was a real "reach" to release a movie where Tom Cruise plays Jason Bourne and "jacks" the bad guys up and makes things explode. We've seen it all before but it still might be fun.

The Guilt Trip: Seth Rogen and Streisand. Road trip. Ugh. My wife thinks this looks good. I'll see it with her if we've exhausted all other options except the ones below.

Parental Guidance: Billy Crystal? I thought he died after hosting the Oscars last year. That was last year, right?

Cirque Du Soleil: Worlds Away (in 3D): I don't even know why this is on here. To me, if you can't see this live, why would you watch it?

Playing for Keeps: Dear Gerard Butler, please go away.

How about you? What would your list look like?

*I have not included those films marked Limited Release because I live in a place where those movies rarely play. 

My Top Trader Joe's Picks

Can you hear that buzz? The excitement? The happy glances between strangers? The feeling of joy and peace? Is it the arrival of the Christmas season? No. It's the arrival of the first Trader Joe's in Utah.

Amy and I have spent parts of lives together in Pasadena and Portland and have been huge Trader Joe's fans forever. In fact, and I know this seems silly, but when we decided to move back to Utah about a year ago, the fact that there wasn't a Trader Joe's here was a huge Debbie Downer on the whole affair. But we acted in faith and were rewarded by having our own TJs just a year or so later. It's the tender mercies...

So last Friday we, and apparently EVERY OTHER PERSON living in Salt Lake, headed to the friendly neighborhood TJs. It was packed. We were pros and didn't grab a cart. That would be way too cumbersome. We had brought our own reusable TJ bags and put our groceries directly in those. (I instagramed the photo above while waiting with 1000 other people to check out. Follow me at jooshanoosh!) We knew exactly what we needed and split up to fight the crowds and get the goods. And after waiting in line for a long time, we made it out with our loot. I was grinning from ear to ear the whole time, even though I work in retail so generally avoid anywhere where there are crowds or long check out lines because of the PTSD.

Trader Joe's, it you don't know, is a chain of grocery stores that sells delicious and amazing food, a lot of it organic, and it is really reasonable priced. They are small, and they mostly sell their own brands (you're gonna have to go somewhere else for your Diet Coke.) but the small size makes them seem more curated than understocked. Everything you get there is delicious and if it is not, you can return it, no questions asked. They have great produce, meat and dairy sections and a lot of their own delicious packaged foods and an amazing frozen section.

Friends who know of my obsession have been asking me what the big deal is. There are a million products at Trader Joe's that I don't like to live without like Cherry Jam, Salsa Authentica, White Balsamic Vinegar, precooked lentils, pizza dough and Joe Joe's (TJs version of an Oreo.) But here are a few things that we buy almost every week for meals and snacks. (If this was Babble, these would be presented in a fancy slide show. But we are not fancy like Babble.)

1. Mandarin Orange Chicken with Brown Rice and broccoli. I want this for dinner once a week. It's the ultimate comfort food. The chicken is frozen and cooks up delicious and tangy and spicy. The brown rice is also precooked and frozen so it takes minutes to make (why has no one else thought of this?!?) and the broccoli is just broccoli but for some reason it always tastes better than the non organic stuff from the regular grocery store. We always have a couple of bags on hand. What I love about this meal is it comes together in about 30 min and is filling, warm and delicious. And the fact that you are eating broccoli and brown rice makes you not feel so bad about the breaded chicken covered in a sticky sauce.

2. Stir-fried tofu and veggies with brown rice. Again, frozen brown rice. Frozen yummy stir fryable veggies. I chop up the tofu and then cook it with some rice vinegar, lots of soy sauce, a bit of Worcestershire sauce and a bit of sesame oil. Yummy and super healthy.

3. Turkey Chili Pie. Trader Joe's has a little sample kitchen and they always have something delicious and we end up buying it. This one's super easy. Dump a couple of cans of Turkey Chili into a baking dish. Add a bit of shredded cheddar cheese, if you want. (And believe me, you want.) Mix up the cornbread (which has actual pieces of actual corn in it!) and spread over the top. Bake. Eat with sour cream and salsa. Die and go to heaven. 

4. This is another sample kitchen discovery. You also need shredded cabbage (which Trader Joe's sells and we forgot to buy) and limes. Drain and rinse the black beans. Top with lime juice and salt. Dress the shredded cabbage with the Cilantro Dressing. It's found in the refrigerated section and is so amazing. It's cilantroey and slightly spicy and amazing and has 35 calories. Use the chips to scoop up the cabbage and beans. Eat 100 lbs. 

5. Fruit Floes. I have an unnatural obsession with these. They also come in strawberry, lime and occasionally chili mango. They are basically frozen juice pops, but I eat them all winter long. I have to ration myself to 1 a day or things could get scary.

6. Veggie Egg rolls with Gyoza sauce. These egg rolls are so great. And not that bad for you. And the gyoza sauce is a staple in our house. I also like to dip them in the Thai Sweet Chili sauce that TJs sells. 

I could go on and on. Almost everything I've ever bought from there is delicious. And they are constantly introducing new stuff too. Like last time I was there, I discovered this gem:

Speculoos, if you are unaware, is also called cookie butter. TJ's sells it in jars too. It's basically the consistency of peanut butter, but tastes like ground up gingerbread men. I want to spread it all over my face and then eat my own face. And when it is inside this little dark chocolate candy bar, it might just cure polio. 

If you've never been and you live in Utah, make a little field trip and buy everything on this list and whatever else you see that catches your fancy. And if you live in another state and you've had your own Trader Joe's for a while, you can stop pretending your state is cooler than ours! Let's just all eat cookie butter and be (fat) friends, OK?

thumpety thump

I know I usually have something to gripe about around the holidays. I'm trying not to be negative, but sometimes things bother me, and they are usually musical in nature. Ken really hit the nail on the head with his recent musical indictment, which I particularly enjoyed. This year I'm trying to be Professor Positive and focus on the things I really like! But I'm going to start doing that right after I tell you how bad I hate Frosty the Snowman.

I really have problems with this song. Especially as a Christmas song. Because it has nothing to do with Christmas! NOTHING! It's just a stupid story. You think it is a Christmas song because it's about snow and people sing it around Christmas time. But there is no mention of tinsel, presents, or the baby Jesus. NOTHING. So it's pointless. Sure enough, though, everyone sings it and it's supposed to make us feel festive. It makes me angry.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is also aggravating, but at least he helps Santa. At least there is a holiday tie-in. Frosty has nothing to offer, except a dumb story about a magic top hat and a lonely girl with ear muffs.  I guess the same argument could be made for Jingle Bells and It's a Marshmallow World, but those stories don't try to pretend to be Christmas songs! I just feel like Frosty does. Those songs are just basically talking about how snowy everything is in the winter, or telling about a sleigh-ride accident. I actually think they are compelling.

Also. I don't know the whole history, but wasn't this just a song Gene Autry made up? And then they made a cartoon out of it? Jeez Louise, I could do that! In fact, I'm going to! Here is my new Christmas song. It's about a winter pony:

Jennifer, the winter pony!

Look at how she prances around!

Jennifer, the winter pony

Swingin' her mane through town.

One thing about her (it may be a shock!)

Is that Jennifer the pony could actually talk!

She met an orphan boy named Jack

They talked for hours and he rode on her back.

But then one day Jack got so hungry.

Winter was on, and he hadn't any money.

He combed her tail, he was gentle and lovin'

But when she wasn't looking, he pushed her in an oven.

Jennifer, the winter pony!

Sadly was no more.

Jennifer, the winter pony!

She'll be back to settle the score!

Trotty-trot, trot, trot

Trotty-trot, trot, trot

Look at Jennifer go!

Trotty-trot, trot, trot

Trotty-trot, trot, trot

Now she's actually a zombie.

I made that up in like ten minutes, but I guarantee that it will be a holiday classic by Christmas '13. Even though it has no redeeming value and no overt Christmas message. That's just how our society works, I guess. Maybe Obama will change things. I don't know. Happy Holidays!

A Toast to Dan Fogelberg

I was recently driving down the highway, minding my own holiday cheer and avoiding WalMart like a punch to the throat, when I was exposed to an extra special (read: not extra special) Song of the Season.

I will accept some responsibility for this, as I was listening to the local radio station that is federally mandated to play Christmas music between Thanksgiving and Christmas; however, I maintain the real blame lies with the author of this little holiday hymn. 

The song began and, not having heard it before, I was intrigued. Somewhere in the middle of the song I thought to myself, “This was written by a hippie.” Then towards the end, I thought to myself, “I'm not sure this resembles a Christmas song by any stretch of the imagination.”

The song is Same Old Lang Syne, and it is written and performed by Colorado based and noted folk singer/songwriter, Dan Fogelberg. I've included the lyrics here, and I thought we should review them together. My notes are after each stanza.

Met my old lover in the grocery store

The snow was falling Christmas Eve

I stole behind her in the frozen foods

And I touched her on the sleeve

Okay, first, does your “old lover” have a name, Dan? Because frankly, that’s just rude to refer to her that way when making introductions. “Oh, John, this is my old lover – Old Lover, this is John.” And second, unless your name is Weird Al Yankovic or Barnenaked Ladies, the words “frozen foods” have absolutely zero business being included in your lyrics.

She didn't recognize the face at first

But then her eyes flew open wide

She went to hug me and she spilled her purse

And we laughed until we cried

I’m sorry, how hard did you laugh? I’m going to go out on a Christmas tree limb and guess that these two people don’t laugh often, and when they do, it is usually at movies where Adam Sandler is dressed like a woman. Also, the song doesn't say, but I like to picture Dan standing there, still laughing as his old lover crawls along the floor, unassisted, picking up all the spilled contents from her purse.

We took her groceries to the checkout stand

The food was totaled up and bagged

We stood there lost in our embarrassment

As the conversation dragged

You know what, this is where you say, “It was great to see you; have a Merry Christmas, and hey – are you on Facebook?” If after three minutes of catching up the conversation is already dragging, then don’t let’s pretend we are suddenly obligated to be buddies, since you, Dan, are obviously busy being a (folk) rock star, and she is merely your old lover.

Went to have ourselves a drink or two

But couldn't find an open bar

We bought a six-pack at the liquor store

And we drank it in her car

Still got it, eh, Dan? You old romantic. But why not just drive the rest of the way to her trailer park?

We drank a toast to innocence

We drank a toast to now

(And don’t forget a toast to Schlitz Malt Liquor, guys)

And tried to reach beyond the emptiness

But neither one knew how

She said she'd married her an architect

Who kept her warm and safe and dry

(the architect, or the tent he designed?)

She would have liked to say she loved the man

But she didn't like to lie

Yes, she has far too much integrity to lie, so instead, she just married a man she didn't love. Well played, Old Lover.

I said the years had been a friend to her

And that her eyes were still as blue

But in those eyes I wasn't sure if I

Saw doubt or gratitude

“I wasn't sure what I was seeing, because the beer was kicking in at this point.”

She said she saw me in the record stores

And that I must be doing well

I said the audience was heavenly

But the traveling was hell

I imagine traveling all over the great state of Boulder, Colorado would indeed be a grueling tour schedule.

We drank a toast to innocence

We drank a toast to now

And tried to reach beyond the emptiness

But neither one knew how

"But one's thing's for sure, the beer was helping."

We drank a toast to innocence

We drank a toast to time

Reliving in our eloquence

Another 'auld lang syne'

The beer was empty and our tongues were tired

And running out of things to say

She gave a kiss to me as I got out

And I watched her drive away

NOW who’s laughing, Dan? Guess she must have remembered how you stood there laughing while she had to pick all of her belongings off the grocery store floor without even an offer to help from you. Now you’re standing in snow up to your knees, out in the middle of nowhere with a Miller buzz on Christmas Eve while she drives off in her nice warm car! HA!

Just for a moment I was back at school

And felt that old familiar pain

And as I turned to make my way back home

The snow turned into rain

And God bless us, everyone.

Is Audiobook Listening Considered Reader Cheating?

I'm listening to audiobooks now. In the past, I avoided them for two reasons: I didn't have a long enough commute and I thought that if I didn't actually pick up the book and read it, then it didn't count.

Of course, technically, listening isn't reading. But, in theory, the activity of listening vs reading is only different in the method of input. When you read, you see the words and your brain creates images and creates a world for you to live in. When you listen, your brain still does those same things. You still have to imagine it all. Perhaps the biggest difference is that you can't go at your own pace or stop to take notes when you're listening.

So, today I believe that when I listen to books, I've legitimately consumed that book. However, I still think there are certain books that can't simply be heard and must be read. I plan to practice some basic rules to determine if I go book vs audiobook:

1. Books for improving my job need to be audiobooks because they normally take me months to read. Good info, not very fun.
2. Humor books read by the author are great audiobooks, e.g., Tina Fey's Bossypants.
3. I'm torn on "classics" because some you just HAVE to read and others are Moby Dick.
4. Sci-fi, Fantasy and Horror make great audiobooks and can really freak your ___ while you're driving home from work and it's dark.
5. Any audiobooks read by Kirby Heyborne because he's a friend and doesn't suck at it.
6. Read books by authors who love and play with language because that is a visual experience and can't be duplicated by listening. Authors such as Hemmingway, Beckett, Chabon, Cather, Poe, Pynchon, Shakespeare, and Faulkner, for example.
7. Read books that your book club is reading if at all possible just because. I don't belong to a book club but I feel like I would prefer to have read the book myself. Maybe it depends on the book. Thoughts, book-clubbers?

But enough about me, let's hear (ok, read) what some other people have to say about the question.

"Is listening to a book as good as reading it? I contend that it is not ... I choose audiobooks that are heavy on plot, but relatively light on character development and lyrical descriptions." – Mary McCauley of the Baltimore Sun blog

"Audio books are not cheating. In fact, I think that in some cases hearing a story spoken aloud can bring a new depth to the experience. I no longer stumble over the phrase “I’ve read that book” if, in fact, I have listened to it instead of reading the print version. The end result – hearing the tale – is the same whether you’re reading or, in essence, being read to." – @suddenlyjamie of the New Hampshire Writer's Network blog

I listen to audiobooks with the Audible app for the iPhone. Now, on my way to work, I listen to books all the time. I look forward to every moment I have in my car now, even with work-related books. I once again feel like a "reader" because I'm finishing books.

Are audiobooks cheating?

Do You Hear the People Sing?

Last night, my friend Kacy posted this video on Facebook.

So I watched it. Then I cried. Then I watched it again. Then I cried again. They I realized. My excitement for the new Les Miserable movie has reached critical mass. Basically I am so overwhelmingly excited that unless Jesus himself appears at the end of the movie and hands out cheesecakes to everyone in the theatre, it won't live up to my expectations. They are simply too high.

You feel the same way? Remember a few months ago when this trailer came out and you were so excited?

You were shocked, right? You didn't know Anne Hathaway could sing. You thought she could only marry gay cowboys and dress like a cat to rob buildings. And everyone loves Hugh Jackman and Russel Crowe. And of course you adore Amanda Seifried, but mostly because she reminds you of Veronica Mars. (Remember how you totally figured out who killed Lilly Kane halfway through the season and it made you feel awesome?)

And they you got your Theatre Geek on and made a new Pandora station called Theatre Geek so that while you were cleaning the house you could put in your headphones and belt Sweeny Todd and Big River and Newsies Into the Woods and your kids would laugh and point at you and you didn't care. (Plenty of people have laughed and pointed at you for singing show tunes in your life, amirite?? Bring it on, kids!)

Then you went to see a movie with friends. (Perks of Being a Wallflower - awesome.) and there was another Les Miserable trailer. Awesome!!! And you saw this:

 

Well...that was...interesting. That's cool  how they sing live. It was a little...indulgent seeming and it was like 7 min long. But, whatever. This movie is going to RULE!

Then you went to see another movie (Pitch Perfect - also kind fantastic) and you saw the same extended trailer again.

And then you started to wonder if the producers of Les Miserable were trying to annoy you by showing this trailer everywhere. When Hugh Jackman talks about his acting choices like he is curing cancer, it starts to seem a bit self important. (Sweet Jesus, what has he done, indeed?) And when Anne Hatheway says it would be incredibly selfish to "try and go for the pretty version" it seemed like maybe, just maybe, the people making this movie were taking it incredibly seriously. Perhaps too seriously. Perhaps.

But then you saw the next trailer and you got chills and cried and all was forgiven:

Because despite how awesome the actors in this movie want to tell you it is going to be, it probably is going to be pretty awesome. And we all know we are going to go opening weekend. In fact, let's all go together. Who's with me?!

new neighbors

In the past month I saw two movies and sat next to a horrible person at both of them. This person is not my wife, though she was there as well. No, I was sitting by a random stranger who did their best to make the experience really horrible for me. And in both cases, I don't think they were aware that they were doing it! Isn't life crazy? Crazy, and sometimes really terrible? Because movies are expensive and I didn't pay all that money to sit by your crazy mom.

The first special neighbor I had sat by me at a recent viewing of Skyfall. A movie I loved and saw twice, by the way. Lisa had gone ahead with our friends Kacy and Christian to get seats while I waited in the popcorn line. When I made my way into the theatre and found my seat, I could tell by the looks on Lisa and Kacy's faces that popcorn was not the only treat I'd be enjoying! I'd also be sitting by a really drunk man.

He was bald, like me, and that seemed to create an instant connection. From the moment I sat down he introduced himself and started to chat away. SUPER LOUD. And the booze fumes were toxic. You know when really drunk people bellow into your face and the smell makes you want to die? You don't? You need to get out more. Anyway, it was like that.

The previews came on and he narrated all of them to me. There was a (presumably) drunk lady sitting with him, but he seemed way more into me (if I had a nickel!) Some preview with Hal Holbrook came on, and he could not believe that Hal Holbrook was still alive. And I heard about it for about ten minutes, complete with swear words. That f'n Hal Holbrook is still alive, you guys! Who knew?

He did not enjoy Skyfall. It was too slow for him. During Javier Bardem's amazing opening monologue (which, if there were any justice, would get him an Oscar nomination) he started to growl "Aaaaaaaac-tion!" in my ear. You know - he wanted more action! As if I were controlling the movie. As if I could make action suddenly start. Hang on, man! Let me talk to Javier and encourage another motorcycle chase! What? It's a movie? On a screen? You're super hammered? This is all so sudden!

At the climax of the film he burped. And then, as the final credits rolled, he offered a succinct review: "Skyfall? More like SKYBORING!"

Lisa and I attended The Life of Pi last week and I tried to book seats with no one next to me. Thwarted again! Some middle-aged woman with a puffy jacket found her way in there, and she latched onto me as well. She seemed nice enough, until the movie started. And then, as Lisa smartly observed, it was as if she had never seen a movie before!

Everything was terrifying! She clenched her puffy coat to her face and hid her eyes.

"Oh, I just can't take any more of this show!" she kept announcing. But she did! She took it! And listen - there is maybe one legitimate scare in the entire movie. But this woman was clearly at Paranormal Activity 6. In her mind she was watching Murders Galore! or Everything's Super Scary and You Should Scream. Because she jumped up and down in her seat like a Jack in the Box, and Oooh'd and Aaah'd and Golly'd every 30 seconds.

I'm not being mean, everyone. She was not mentally disabled. I talked to her before. She seemed fine enough. I'm not making fun of her. I'm genuinely concerned for her, because she was honestly scared by flying fish and Gerard Depardieu and a few big waves. One time a giant whale swam under Pi's lifeboat, and she announced "Oh, that's a whale." Later in the movie Pi taunts a tiger with a stick, which the tiger paws at playfully.

"Oh, my cat does that, too!" she confided.

On and on. Two hours of chatting, shrieks, and puffy coat hiding. She wasn't even drunk.

I don't know if I can go to any more movies. And I want to!! I love movies and I like eating popcorn. But what can I do? I would love some advice. And don't tell me to just tell the person to be quiet. It doesn't help, and in some cases it just starts a fistfight. Can you imagine me fistfighting that lady? She'd trap me in her panic coat and I'd never get out. What could be worse?