ARIES: Something big is happening this week! It's going to be huge. It will either be really awesome, or really terrible. It all depends on your attitude! And how much money you have in the bank.
TAURUS: Listen. There is nothing wrong with you, other than the fact that you are a human being. There is no reason for you to feel intimidated by someone just because they are smarter, are in better shape, or have a much more exciting life than you do. You have an exciting life, too! You just share it with yourself. Your good ole plain awesome self.
GEMINI: Someone incredibly sexy is waiting for you in Great Britain.
CANCER: I like this new empowered you. You are taking the world by storm. There's no stopping you - no mountain you can't conquer. Just one word of advice: even though you are busy getting empowered and conquering mountains you can still send me that $24.95 you "accidentally" put on my debit card when I left my wallet in your car last Thursday.
LEO: Stop it with the good looks! Seriously, stop it!
VIRGO: You've heard the phrase "fake it 'till you make it?" Well, you are faking it and still not making it! Wake up! Everyone can tell you are just phoning it in. Nobody likes a faker. Remember when your sister pretended like she couldn't walk, and she wheeled herself around in a wheelchair but you knew she was faking it so you wheeled her to the top of a hill and pushed her down? She landed in a river and, sure enough, she was lying! That was an important lesson.
LIBRA: Nobody should have to deal with embarrassing athlete's foot. You least of all. Have you tried Dr. Scholl's foot powder? Oh, who am I kidding? Everyone has tried Dr. Scholls! What about cumen powder and a wedge of cumquat?
SCORPIO: I caught your eye the other day, and I knew what you were up to. I always know what you are up to. But murder? That's going too far. This week, please focus on not killing people. It's just not funny.
SAGITTARIUS: What kind of fool do you take me for? Jeezy Creezy, I wasn't born yesterday! You and I both know that, whether you can believe it or can't, it's not butter. It's a spray on margarine, and pretending it isn't doesn't help anyone.
CAPRICORN: This isn't meant to be a criticism, but I saw you shopping at Hot Topic the other day and I thought you were a janitor. I don't mean anything by that, I just was suprised to see you in there trying on awesome/ironic t-shirts. I mean, it was funny! Like funny weird. I guess I'm saying you are too old to shop at Hot Topic.
AQUARIUS: I'm sorry everyone thinks you look like the Fonz. You should move your office out of a bathroom stall, and you should act more like Potsy.
PISCES: Are you still singing that "Call Me Maybe" song? Dude, everyone has moved on! Try being a little more 2013.
