The worst part about being a dad is that you realize that when someone breaks into your house to murder your family...you are the solution. I mean, I still feel like I'm 17 years old...when does that end, btw? When do I start to feel like the guy who can club another man in the face with a 9 iron? Incidentally, a golf club should be every mans weapon of choice as it is more fatal to have a focused point of impact then a blunt smash of, say a baseball bat.
Anyway, we watched Paranormal Activity on TBS last night for a bit and I realized that if some demon is going to attach itself to my wife and then walk through powder and watch us sleep and then kill me, well, what am I gonna do? But then, cause it was TBS, immediately following Paranormal Activity was Paranormal Activity 2! This time it's a family with a baby and a Nanny Cam. I didn't even watch it but I could tell that there was going to be trouble and everyone was going to be looking at the Dad to save them and you know what? That guy was probably ten years younger then me, which means he felt the way I did ten years ago which means he felt like he was 8. And no 8 year old dads should be fighting off no demons!
Though, I have gotten better at pretending I can take care of a family. I lock all the doors at night and check in on my kids...what I would do if they were floating above their beds I have no idea but I check to make sure they still obey the laws of gravity. Also, and this is new, if there is a creepy sound in the middle of the night, then I am the one who goes and investigates. I creep down the hallway with a golf club ( I only own the one) and turn on lights and stomp. Which I think makes me brave, but again, what would happen if I came face to face with...well, absolutely anything, I assure you, it would not be pretty.
I do fight sometime. Like, fisticuffs! Well, it really was only the once, but I did learn something about myself and that was if my wife is punched in the face by a drunk, then something inside of me toots very loudly, like a steam whistle and I will throw my body into any amount of certain harm. And maybe that's all I need. To be willing to get beat up or killed or levitated in order to save my family, and be willing to do so in a super crazy man/ferret sort of way. Cause really that's all I got...well that and a golf club.
In the end, I suppose I do feel like a Dad. The only thing is, I didn't know this was how Dads really feel.
Remember when you were a kid and just thought your dad had invented everything, so why would you worry about anything, Dad could handle it. And now you're old and you've crossed the line where you find out, my Dad was a kid once, too. A kid who rolled his car racing it around Liberty Park, cause he was dumb and reckless and you did the same thing when you were 16, except you didn't roll it, you just hit a full garbage can and shattered a head light because you were hiding from older kids who had yelled at you at a four way stop...though, I suppose, it was still his car. Yeah? Well, I am starting to see that look in my own kids eyes, where they think I am the Dad so they are fine, but instead it just means I see everything that could possibly happen and it too scary and too terrifying to deal with so I just play dinosaurs (which, incidentally, were ALL KILLED by a meteor that just hit Earth one day, and now a great big huge and tough species is whipped off the face of the planet...see what I mean?! I can see everything that could happen. But because I had a Dad who knew everything that could happen and he still let me Trick-or-Treat and sleep outside and try Cherry Bombs on the monkey bars, then I turned out be a Dad who knows every terrible thing that could happen...but also, knows every amazing thing that could happen!
