Hello, everyone! Can you believe it's that magical time of year again? Can you smell the greasepaint and feel the nerves emanating from Hollywood? Can you hear that little pixie Anne Hathaway nervously practicing her acceptance speech so it sounds completely unrehearsed and spontaneous? From the four corners of the earth, the shallow winds pronounce the word: it's Oscar time!
I have some troubling news. I will not be watching the telecast from my usual armchair this year. I will be in St. Louis visiting my parents. I have no doubt that my mom will want to watch the show with me, but she's a mission president so I don't think she's seen any of the movies and I'm worried she will just fixate on all the boobs, boobs, boobs. I know I do. But I keep it to myself.
Anyway, for those of you gathering together in little nests of gossip and sneering this Sunday night, I bid you l'Chaim! I will miss you. And for those of you with babies and toddlers who didn't get to see a damn movie this year and are unsure of what to talk about at your party, here are some thoughts:
1. Seth MacFarlane is hosting. He sings like a crooner and does lots of funny voices. Most people have no idea who he is. You do. Quick! Go here.
2. Did you know that the Best Actress category contains the oldest ever nominee (some french lady) and the youngest ever nominee (a little Cajun girl)? Tell everyone that. They love trivia! They'll beg for more. Just raise an eyebrow or give everyone a sly wink. They don't have to know that you don't have any more trivia.
3. Here are what the nominated movies are about:
Amour: A french lady gets really old and dies.
Argo: Some people in the 1970's sneak out of Iran by pretending to make a movie. They wear huge sunglasses and Naugahyde jackets and sweat nervously.
Beasts of the Southern Wild: Some hipsters move to an island south of New Orleans, where a little girl blows up a levee and slow dances with some hookers.
Django Unchained: Quentin Tarantino!
Les Miserables: A cast of eight movie stars all take turns auditioning for an Oscar, resulting in lots of closeups of crying, singing, and snotting. It's all set in the magical world of France.
Life of Pi: An Indian boy shares a lifeboat with a tiger, but if you want the REAL scoop on this movie, you should ask my friend.
Lincoln: Everyone is crazy about Daniel Day-Lewis' performance as our 16th president, especially Mary Todd Lincoln, played with adequate hand-wringing by Sally Field. Tommy Lee Jones also shows up to fart around.
Silver Linings Playbook: All the cool people in Hollywood got together to make a movie! It's about disabilities. Bradley Cooper turns his handicap into a handicapability: he can dance! Also stars Katniss Everdeen.
Zero Dark Thirty: In a movie full of surprise bomb explosions every ten minutes, Jessica Chastain tortures Al-Quaeda detainees until they literally poop their pants.
4. This is the year to talk about "how edgy independent films are giving the big budget films a run for their money." Wait, we talk about that every year!
5. Did I mention Anne Hathaway? She's going to win. And she will give the most ridiculous, humble-braggy, high school drama girl speech on human record. Please don't fight me on this.
6. You can also bet on Daniel Day-Lewis. He's a shoo in. Or should I say, shoot in?
7. For my money, the best picture of 2012 was Skyfall. But we don't get to vote for that. I also liked The Master, which we don't get to vote for, either. So of the list we DO get to vote from, I pick Argo. It was a nail-biter!
8. If there's a lull in conversation, bring up how neither Ben Affleck or Kathryn Bigelow got nominated for Best Director, even though both of their movies are up for Best Picture. It was a huge shocker. People will be amazed that you know stuff like this! They'll beg you for more juicy trivia! You don't have any. Just smirk to yourself and bite into a giant chip.
9. Don't go on and on about ladies' dresses. Man, that gets old!
10. Look for my good friend Jenny Latimer. She's singing back-up for the Les Mis sequence. She'll be wearing an immodest black dress and standing stage left. When the time comes, she will shoot an arrow into the back of Amanda Seyfried's head.
