But I don't want you to think that here at PTA we go out of our way to only hate one type of much-maligned animal. We definitely hate sharks but we also HATE spiders. There are creepy and crawly and have evil intentions. Sure, you may think they help the ecosystem and that without them we would be overrun by other kinds of bugs. To that we say a proud "Bullsugar!" We'd be better off without them and all their creeptastic legs and skeevy eyes.
Did you hear this story in the interwebs lately? A woman in China had been experiencing a particularly itchy ear for about 5 days. Nothing seemed to help, so she finally went to have it checked out at the doctor. He took out that little ear scope thing and peeked inside and saw this:
Yes, my friends. That is a SPIDER inside her EAR!! If you were that doctor, you just soiled yourself for sure. (Here is a link to the real news story.) Evidently it crawled in there while she was sleeping and took up residence for five days. Kinda makes you want to sleep with cotton balls in your ears, doesn't it?
It reminds me of an also creepy experience from my childhood. If you are from Utah, like I am, then you surely know Grandma Sycamore's bread. It is a basic pre-sliced grocery store type bagged bread, but instead of tasting like air and puffiness, like Wonder Bread does, it tastes like joy and light and hope. It is delicious and is clearly blessed by the gods. I grew up in a house with 8 kids, so I think we ate about 2 loaves a day. My mom would buy the bread in bulk and freeze it. And sometimes your siblings were courteous and would get a frozen loaf out to thaw when they finished one off. Usually they were not and left you to defrost your own bread. So you would get a butter knife and wedge it between the slices and try to pry a couple of pieces off to toast or whatever.
One time I was doing this and as the two pieces of frozen bread popped apart, baked into an air bubble in the bread was a big, dead spider. He'd apparently been kneaded in sometime during the bread making process and spent his last few minutes on earth wondering how he had become trapped in so delicious a prison. I guess it would have been scarier if I had found a living spider in frozen bread (because that is some crazy super-powered spider.) But it was plenty scary, and I imagine I screamed like a girl. Then I put the piece in a Ziploc bag so I could show the rest of the family.
So when your shark hatred has simmered down, turn that anger to the malevolent, mischievous, evil spider. He's out to get you. And he's coming first for our delicious bread, and then he's coming for your ears. Tonight. While you are sleeping.
You're welcome.
