A friend graciously included me in a March Madness bracket tourney pick'em competition, forgetting that, although I love football, I have no interest in basketball. Particularly college basketball, because I used to teach at BYU and coaches were always giving me heat to pass these basketball players who never came to class. Or turned anything in. Or knew my name. I dislike playing basketball because it seems like you always have to rub up on people's business and my bald head gets lodged in other dudes' armpits and I just don't like all that running. Even the sound of sneakers squeaking on a gym floor gives me the hives. But I like competition, and I like predicting things, and I'm not going to sit out March Madness! So, here are my pics. PAY ATTENTION:
SOUTH
First off, Kentucky will beat West Kentucky, because West Kentucky is probably really backwoods, right? Connecticut will beat Iowa State, because Connecticut is fancier. Wichita will beat VCU because I don't know what VCU stands for. Indiana will beat New Mexico because New Mexico is too hot to practice outside so the team mostly hangs around the DQ sucking down Dilly Bars. UNLV will beat Colorado because people from Colorado think they are so much better than people from Utah, even though they are basically the same state. Baylor will beat South Dakota because all South Dakota has going for it is Mount Rushmore. Xavier will beat Notre Dame to punish the wicked antics of Frollo and avenge hunchbacks everywhere. Duke will beat Lehigh, because Lehigh is actually spelled Lehi, you bozo philistines. In the second round, Connecticut will beat Kentucky because Connecticut is way fancier. Wichita will beat Indiana because I said so. UNLV will beat Baylor because I was in Las Vegas last weekend and I love the Palms hotel. Duke will beat Xavier because my father-in-law went to Duke. In the third round, Connecticut will beat Wichita because Connecticut is one thousand times fancier. Duke will beat UNLV because, again, my father-in-law will have it so. That puts Duke in the regional finals, where they will beat Connecticut, finally putting an end to every snobby Aryan from Darien on that team.
EAST
Syracuse will triumph over N.C. Asheville, because N.C. Asheville is the all-time worst name for a school. Sadly, Kansas State will lose to Southern Miss, because no handsome fella stands a chance against the wiles of a Southern Miss. Vanderbilt will beat Harvard, clearly, because it's not hard to beat a bunch of nerds. Montana will beat Wisconsin because I was born in Montana. Texas will beat Cincinnati because the Cincinnati team is literally made up of actors from the television show "WKRP in Cincinnati" and homeboys are lookin' old out there! Florida State will beat St. Bonaventure because the Florida State team is literally made up of alligators. Gonzaga will beat West Virginia, because the night before the game the WV team will get all liquored up on moonshine and then buckdance 'till three. Ohio will lose to Loyola MD because MD means that the doctor is in da house! In the second round, Syracuse will fall to the inevitable charms of that coy Southern Miss. Laws, laws! Montana will beat Vanderbilt because, you'll recall, I was born there. Texas will beat Florida State at a hearty row in the basement of the Alamo. Gonzaga will beat Loyola because Gonzaga is both the name of a school as well as a nickname for ladies' bosoms. In the regional semis, Montana will finally defeat those sweet talkin' thangs from Southern Miss, because it is, after all, the state that hatched me. Gonzaga will beat Texas because it's also a kind of pasta. That puts Montana in the regional finals against Gonzaga, and it's gotta go to my home state, despite Gonzaga being something you could say after someone sneezes.
MIDWEST
North Carolina will beat Lamar/Vermont, because is there a school called Lamar/Vermont? Or is that just a new name for Lavar Burton? Creighton beats Alabama because Creighton has such a well-reputed dental program. Temple loses to Cal/USF because the temple team is all friendly old guys from your ward who tell you which locker is yours. Michigan will beat Ohio in a respectful nod to Mitt Romney. San Diego State will beat N.C. State because of Legoland. Belmont beats Georgetown because there's a town called Belmont in The Merchant of Venice and I will always go with my boy Billy Shakes. Purdue will beat St. Mary's because of my friend Steve Purdy, who has a similar name (you've earned this one, P-Dirty!) Kansas beats Detroit to avenge all those poor NFL players who got stomped on by Ndamukong Suh this past season. In the second round, North Carolina beats Creighton despite of their award winning dental program. Cal/USF beats Michigan because I left my heart in San Francisco. San Diego beats Belmont because of Sea World. Kansas beats Purdue with the sheer force of one plucky resident: Dorothy Gale. In the third round, Cal/USF beats North Carolina because acronyms are in this year. San Diego State beats Kansas because have you SEEN THEIR ZOO? It's enormous! And that puts San Diego in the regional semis against Cal/USF, and San Diego will win because of Balboa Park and this diner I went to where they put peanut butter on hamburgers (thanks, Matt and Amy!)
WEST
WEST
In the western conference, Michigan State beats LIU Brooklyn, even with the sexy fighting powers of Lucy Liu. Saint Louis beats Memphis because my mom and dad live there and I miss them. Long Beach beats New Mexico because wasn't New Mexico in the Southern bracket already? It's too hot down there! Go get a Brazier Burger and pick a region already! Louisville beats Davidson because I have honestly never heard of Davidson (and I work in academia!) Colorado State beats Murray State because Murray State is handicapped by their point guard, Fred McMurray. BYU beats Marquette because I am religiously obligated to say so. Virginia beats Florida at the Battle of Antietam, thousands are wounded. Missouri beats Norfolk State, because my parents live in Missouri and I miss them. In the second round, St. Louis beats Michigan State because they held the best world's fair there (clang, clang, clang, went the trolley!) Long Beach beats Louisville, because everyone likes the beach. BYU beats Colorado State to prove that we literally share the same mountain range, so quit acting all awesome Colorado! Missouri beats Virginia because I prefer wheat to tobacco. In the third round, Saint Louis beats Long Beach because my mom will pray it so, and BYU will beat Missouri because the entire state of Utah (Park City excluded) will pray it so. That puts BYU against St. Louis in the regional finals, and I obviously have to pick BYU because I'm still technically a student there and I will do anything to get rid of my library fees. This cougar cuts corners!
In the National Semi-finals, Duke will beat BYU because by that time I will have hopefully graduated. San Diego will beat Montana, even though I was born in Montana, because have you seen the San Diego temple??? Or that live interactive Jurassic Park zoo they have just outside of town? It's like a safari thing where you touch animals and get chased by predators. It's amazing.
And that puts San Diego against Duke in the finals, and I'll let you call that one. Just remember, my father-in-law went to Duke. But San Diego also has Coronado Island.
