Over the weekend I was at a
garage sale (don’t judge me) and came across this book: 101 Secrets A Good Dad Knows.
The good folks holding the
garage sale gave me the book for free! At first I was suspicious that they were
just anxious to get rid of it because it carried with it some ancient Indian
curse, originating from millennia ago. But as I walked home flipping through
the pages, I realized it was even worse than I thought.
The book was pure rubbish.
And now I was saddled with actually
owning this book.
The shame.
The “secrets a good dad knows”
were numbered. And the first page I happened to flip to was #23, “How to Pick
Up a Cat.” I winced. Then I flipped to #16, and – I’m not making this up –it
was “How to Give a Cat Its Medicine.”
Then I made a face like I was inside a Port-a-Potty and just breathed through
my nose.
I’m sorry, should this book
have been titled “101 Secrets A Good Dad Knows…About Cats”?
Then I flipped to #52, “How
to Attract a Deer (So You Can Hide and Watch It).” Translation: NOT so you can shoot it and eat it, you
heartless, hateful normal male dad!
I began to wonder if this
book was published by PETA. (Which would support my theory that this book does
in fact carry a curse with it.) (Bah-dum bum.) (Please don’t send me any
hate-mail, PETA.)
After a little more reading,
I concluded I wasn’t sure who compiled these 101 secrets.
It didn’t seem to be targeted
at what I affectionately refer to as the “Top
Gun Crowd.” I didn’t see any secrets about “How to Not Cry When Your Best
Friend Dies Flying an F-15,” or “How to Properly Yell ‘Wolverines!’ While
Fighting Off Commie Invaders,” or “How to Look Awesome While Skydiving Without
a Parachute,” or “How to Live For a Month Off Nothing But Varmint Meat and Tree
Sap.”
But it wasn’t the other
extreme either. You know, Patrick Dempsey-type secrets. “How to Buy a Dozen Roses When Your
Lady Friend Is Having a Bad Day.” Or “How to Let a Small Misunderstanding
Fester for Too Long Only to Finally Be Resolved with a Public Declaration of
Love in a Restaurant or Even Better, on Television.”
Maybe it was too much to hope
for, but I was hoping for some secrets I would really like to learn. Like…
How to Make a Meal that Will
Impress Anyone
How to Play Three Awesome Songs
on the Piano and/or Guitar
How to Pick Out the Best
Watermelon
How to Build a Waterslide In
Your Backyard
How to Set a Good Example
While Not Necessarily Being Good at Everything
And of course, How to Get a
Cat Out of a Tree. Oh wait, sorry. That one was already in there, #29.
