Goodbye

Go ahead and click play before you read this post.

Part Time Authors started 2 years ago. And this is our 499th post (which makes me think I should write one more before I post this one.) It was started for a few reasons. Primarily to promote a book we had all contributed essays too. Also to give us all a reason to write more regularly. But mainly because I have really amazingly talented friends and wanted to have a reason to do something creative with them.

Ken is one of the greatest memoirists/biography-ists I have ever known. I barely remember what happened last week and Ken can recall with stunning and hilarious detail events that happened 3 decades ago and his ability to write about his past is unparalleled. Chris is gifted and talented director. If you live in Utah you should see everything he is involved in. Currently he has a production of Big River playing at the Hale Center in Orem that is delightful and magical. Patrick is literally the funniest person I know (and I know a lot of funny people) and a brilliant singer and songwriter. When I hear him sing his stuff, it inspires me to be a better artist and writer because it is just so dang good. And Brett is a nuanced actor and hilarious comedian. I love to watch him perform.

Writing this blog with these gentlemen has been a lot of fun. And you all have been wonderful and have left great comments and sent us encouraging messages along the way. We didn't know what this blog would be when we started it (we were hoping for more free stuff, but alas) and it was incredibly satisfying to have people that NONE OF US KNEW in real life read and comment on our work. It's pretty great.

So it is with great sadness that we announce today that PTA is shutting its proverbial virtual doors. We don't know if this is a temporary shut down or a permanent one and for how long it may last. But for right now we all have different projects that are taking priority. And the last thing we want to do is to churn out content for the sake of having something posted, even when that content isn't our best work.

So we want to say thanks. And that you are awesome. And goodbye. And we will miss you. We'll leave the facebook page active to keep you up to date on our current projects. Thanks for 2 really fun years.

Some Other Part Time Stuff

You guys, I recently had the opportunity to be in two different commercials. So I should probably quit my day job so I can have a more flexible schedule to practice, you know, my "craft." Right? Let's first watch the commercials and then discuss together how I actually, probably, should not do that.

Yep, that's Utah Community Credit Union. I feel a particular loyalty, since they gave me my first car loan right after Katie and I were married. Our first big purchase! And UCCU was there for us. A single tear rolls down. Also, this shoot was great because I got a free lunch at The Melty Way! Guys, the perks of being a movie commercial star principal are pretty awesome.

The second commercial was for Baja Broadband. It was freezing outside, but that's not what I'll take away from this experience. No. What I'm taking away from this is that I am 42 and my wife in the commercial is … 23. And she's from England! I don't know what this is supposed to say about my character in the commercial. I'm guessing this is a second marriage for him. He's had a midlife crisis. He's super wealthy, guys. And he doesn't put up with other men ogling his wife. That's what I decided when I was doing a deep study of my character and what his motivation would be. I hope it comes through in the commercial.

no match

I've always felt like I've met a million celebrities, until I read Patrick's post. I cannot match the star power. My celebrities are lame sauce in comparison. I mean come on. David Spade? Thomas Gibson? That's the caliber I'm working with. The B minus list. (Except for Adam Levine.) So I will just post this picture because, even though it's not Cate Blanchett, I could not be more proud.

Name Dropping Like It's Hot!

Ya know, watching the Oscars was so fun, I mean, isn't Ellen just the best...that selfie?! Common!  Isn't it funny how you watch something and then you think that the people in it are sort of your friends and you kind of miss them after it's over.  It was like that selfie was stuffed full of all my dumb friends (and Lupitia's brother) who are all out having this super awesome night and I had to stay home and do Algebra...more likely they were just driving down by Utah Lake but they wanted me to think they were having a super awesome time so they were all really-hard-laughing when Bradley took the picture so I'd feel left out...well I did.

It's funny to think of Celebrities as normal people.  They don't fly or anything, they poop just like the rest of us (Meryl) and yet, they transcend.  Somehow and ridiculously they transcend.

So, in an effort to knock them down to size...or perhaps to elevate me to their level, I now present my list of celebrity interactions.  All of them true but in no particular order only that of my remembering them:

• I saw Victor Garber shopping in a Mall in LA.
• I sat on a the floor of a stage Cate Blanchett was performing on. (It shouldn't count but I was on the floor looking at her feet which were two feet away! Pun given and intended.)
• I saw Frances McDormand in the lobby of that same play.
• Also Either Joel or Ethan Coen, which ever one is married to Frances McDormand.
• I helped Angela Lansbury pick out pillows at Pier 1.
• I saw Sean Hayes buying a pretzel in a mall in LA and I got in line behind him and did the only thing a person can do when so extremely close...I sniffed his neck.
• I met Jane Krakowski and her mother at a party in NYC.
• I sang a song at Lance Bass' birthday party...he didn't seem super impressed.
• Ryan Gosling told me I was F@#$%ing amazing after seeing me in a play I was in...he did seem super impressed.
• I've done improv with both- Kirby Hayborn and Will Swenson...who is now married to Audra McDonald who I saw in concert once.
• I'm in a Book Club with Lisa Valentine Clark who was listed as one of the '100 Coolest Mormon Women Alive Today' and is currently on the cover of Utah Valley Magazine...also, our book club is closed.
• I was once at a party with Chloe Sevengy, TR Knight, Ellen Green, Mamie Gummer, Barbara Cook, Zachary Quinto, Guy from ugly Betty, Andrea Martin, Sean Hayes, Kristin Chenoweth, the guy who played Will's boyfriend on Will and Grace for a little bit, Steven Schwartz (wrote Wicked) Stephanie Seymour, Cheyenne Jackson, Kelli O'hara, Mo Rocca, Lee Pace, John Stamos, Brooke Shields,Tori Spellings mom, Ace Young, Alfred Molina, and Alan Cumming... I know this because instead of doing anything else at the party I walked around with my phone and made a horribly spelled list so I would never forget never talking to these people.
• I saw Tina Faye's back.
• I once met Sean Hayes and told him that I sniffed his neck in a mall in LA.
• I ripped my pants in front of Mariah Carey, who looked me up and down and then said to her two huge bodyguards, "Oh no." then crossed the street.
• I said hello to Kate Winslet at an Anthropologie in NYC.
• I started a fitting room for Amy Poehler at an Anthropologie in NYC.
• I went on a date with the girl from Major Dad...only one.
• Heath Ledger once gave my wife a knowing head nod right in front of me.
• I got hamburgers with Kathy Griffin. 
• Ryan Gosling came back to see my play a second time and again told me I was great using multiple expletives.
• I chased after Ty Burrell only to catch up to him and then address his daughter by name even though we'd never met.
• I met Sean Hayes a third time and gave him a copy of the New York Times review of a play I was in where they stated, "Livingston gave a good Sean Hayes-ian performance."

Needless to say, they are all chumps, all these people passing in and out of my life and has one...even one called me back?!!!

No.

Whatever...


Sean if you're reading this, just leave your phone number in the comments section on Facebook and I call you as soon as I can.


Oh yeah,

• Sean Hayes asked me in front of my wife if I was straight.

Sven, I Think That's Right

I think we've all had a lot of fun this week digging into the stories of two quirky princess and their icy powers and (alleged) lesbian tendencies. But I think the story of Anna and Elsa is pretty straightforward. Ice Queen, frozen heart, true love, blah, blah, blah. We've seen it all before. But there is one part of the movie that chills me (Ha!) me to the core: the pro-Reindeer, anti-people message.

Everyone knows that reindeer are literally the worst. The smell bad, they are rude, and if you've ever had a Christmas morning mess up (iPhone 5c instead of 5s, for example. The worst!!) you know that it is 100% the fault of some sloppy reindeer who can't do his job right.

I'm not saying we shouldn't have reindeer. I just kinda wish they'd stay in the North Pole. Or Asguardia, or whatever the name of that Frozen kingdom is. But there are several points in the Frozen story where there is clearly a strong pro-Reindeer message being directed at the impressionable minds of our children, who I believe are our future.

Of course there's a whole song about how reindeer are better than people. That's pretty obvious. But almost too obvious. Like they put that their so you think "Well, surely they don't really feel that way - this is clearly parody." They know that if they throw their pro-reindeer agenda right in your face you will reject in out of hand. But here are a few more subtle moments.

1. Sven, the reindeer is always trying to Olaf's carrot nose, but always stops at the last minute. Because "they're friends" you are supposed to believe. But let's be serious, Reindeer will eat your carrot nose! They will eat it every time!! Totally unrealistic. Also, everyone knows that reindeer and snowmen are blood enemies, ever since the Northern Wars of 1917.
2. Kristoff rides Sven like a horse, where you can see him appearing to gallop like he's some sort of fun loving pony. Reindeer can't gallop. Everyone knows that fly, like bats. And when they are on the ground they waddle, like ducks. But of course DISNEY with the PRO- REINDEER agenda didn't want to show a reindeer waddling really fast. So they made him gallop, so our CHILDREN would love him.
3. When the rock gnomes sing about the reasons that Kristoff is a fixer-upper they site "that he tinkles in the woods." When I was a kid we used to go fishing with my grandma in a boat. And when we had to go to the bathroom she didn't want us to just pee off the side of the boat, like some sort of boat-side-peeing savage. So we had to pee into a bucket, which she called the "Tinkle Bucket" which we would then dump over the side of the boat. And if we had to go to the bathroom she would scream, "Steven! Get the tinkle bucket!" And I guess people say tinkle because it sounds less gross. So when they say Kristoff goes tinkle in the woods its supposed to seem cute and charming and you know who else tinkles in the woods? REINDEER! But its not cute. You probably missed this part, but I paid really close attention and that is what they are trying to do. 
4. Remember when they are running from the wolves? Total fraud. Reindeer eat wolves in the wild. Google it.

Don't get me wrong. Some of my best friends are reindeer or have pet reindeer, so I am not some crazy reindeer hater. If you want to live in arctic climates, have fuzzy antlers and have specialized noses with nasal turbinate bones, that's fine. Just don't bring your ruminate four-chambered stomach to my neighborhood in the Wasatch Mountains.

Anyway, I've seen Frozen three times (once was a sing-a-long) so I didn't just make this stuff up. I have watched closely and taken notes and think this reindeer threat is something we all need to take more seriously and that we need to protect our children from. I mean, if you want your kids to think that they can be friends with a reindeer AND have a carrot nose, do what you will. But as for me and my house...

yep, frozen's gay

When Ken announced that we would all write responses to the crazy pearl-clutching Frozen lady this week, my heart started to race. I thought I had sort of weathered this storm last week by doing what I do best in times of controversy: staying the crap out of it. But now I felt charged to lampoon conspiracy theories and self-righteous harridans who find secret agendas in everything. And I didn't know what to do. "Ken!" I texted him, "I agree with that lady!"

It's at this point that I should provide the obligatory "I love the gays!" or "I have tons of gay friends" or "I'm not like most Mormons" speech so you don't think I'm some judgy wingnut. But I don't feel like I have to. I work in Theatre. 'Nuff said. If you don't think I'm cool with the gays, you've never met me or anyone of my ilk. It's just not much of an issue with me. But....you guys....that lady's right! She may have written that blog from her perch on the eagle forum, and she may have used insensitive and ridiculous language, but she's right. There's a hidden agenda in Frozen. And it's probably about gay people.

The thing is, I kind of don't care. It was a cute movie, and I liked a lot of the songs. That business about the snowman dreaming of summer was genius. I had a good time.

But I'm not going to pretend like there wasn't a hidden message about characters' shameful secrets, and the desire to "let it go" and be who they really are. The truth is that Disney is a major factor, possibly the major factor, in the entertainment industry and several of the executives, writers, artists, and performers are openly gay. If you controlled Disney, wouldn't you use it to spread your message? If the LDS church owned Disney (and we'll get to that) wouldn't they get as much "follow the prophet" and "I will go, I will do" as they can in there? Yeah, they would. I'm Mormon. I know how we work. I don't think Disney is inherently evil. Greedy, yes. But I also believe they have an agenda, just like every human being on this planet, and they aren't afraid to push it.

I don't mind my kids seeing Elsa (or whichever one) come out as a lesbian. Even metaphorically. I feel sad she felt she couldn't talk about her struggles. I hope that if any of my kids have same-sex attraction that they will know they have a mother and father to talk to. Maybe the movie will help them realize that they need to reach out and talk about this stuff.

What really concerns me, friends, is the Disney-ification of Mormondom. Somehow we've decided that Disney is on par with doctrine, and we fill our houses with so much Disney that there's no room to breathe. How many of us can quote song after song of Disney but only know a handful of church hymns? We may not know many scriptures off hand, but we sure can sing every word of "Poor Unfortunate Souls!" I love me some Disneyland, but I'm not going to worship it. It's fun, it's diverting, it's entertaining, but I'm not going to wear it all over my clothes. It's just cartoons. It's ninety minutes of your life. I'm not going to freak out if they want me to see a lesbian build an ice castle. Can I still have a temple recommend?

Let it Grow!

As Ken stated yesterday we at Part Time Authors are diving deep into the subliminal messaging of one of the Seasons biggest hits:

Frozen

So, a few days ago this lady went off on her blog about how Frozen had a hidden "Gay Agenda".  For some reason it really got to me. Why was she hunting for the scheme in this movie.  I mean, never mind the themes that the movie was overtly targeting: a sisters love counts as 'True Love', don't use Shame as a parenting technique, Beware the prince who falls is love too fast...all of them new for Disney and great take-a-ways.  BUT, some lady, who I will not link to, went and saw this movie (three times cause her grandkids really super wanted to so who cares what kind of agenda it has), then blogged all over me about it's secret gayness.  She seemed to think that because Elsa finds out at a young age that she has powers that others don't and her parents tell her to hide them and then she finally "Let's Them Go!" it means she's a gay. Even though, at the end of the movie Elsa learns to control her "powers" (ie gayness) and is accepted right back into the kingdom, which is decidedly contrary to the Gay Agenda...I looked it up, they are not about getting themselves under control to fit back into society...even if they did get to be the Queens!  Ba-Dum-Ching!

It's not that she found Gayness where there is none...well, the snowman does have a lisp...it's the fact that while I was sitting in the movie with my daughter for the second time, I was holding back from enjoying something to find trickery.  Now, I'm sure that it happens and maybe it's even happening in this movie...hang on...it is true that the first time I saw this movie I looked like this:

But Frozen opened in November and now I look like this: 

I know?!  My hair has totally stopped being cut!  I really can't explain it...well, I COULDN'T but now things are perfectly clear.  I just...wait for it...wait for it...you know what's coming...but you still have to wait...I just...op! Not yet...here it comes....

I JUST LET IT GO!!!!

When it came time to cut my hair there was Elsa in my mind begging me to not.  So I didn't.

Disney: One.

A well groomed Mormon Man: Zero!

So, there you go.  I guess I was wrong, the Disney Villains done did me in.  Please, don't go see this movie...who knows what you will unleash!  Ken is as Fat as a house and my hair has princes climbing it every time I throw it out the window!  What ya gonna do.

Alls I want is a world where we see a children's movie and we either like it or we don't, or we love it and learn every single word to every single song and blame our vast knowledge of a princess movie on our four year old girls.

Is that too much to ask?

A Frozen Conspiracy

If you’re plugged in to any social media at all then you probably noticed when, last week, a seam split and the world became unglued over the “hidden agenda” of  Disney’s Frozen.

I’m not going to point you in the direction of the impetus to this ice storm (you see what I did there?) because I don’t see how anything good can come from that. (Sidebar: If you’re trying to build a brand, then giving your blog a title that doesn’t always reflect your appearance seems like a misstep. I mean, otherwise we here at Part Time Authors would have named our blog cleanshavenmormonmen.com. But we didn’t. Because we aren’t always that.)

Aaaaanywhistle, here’s the thing. Is Frozen really pushing an agenda? Is this little cartoon making sweeping social commentary? Are we being brainwashed by the Disney machine?

You bet your sweet bippy.

Look at these lyrics:
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

Youguys. Disney clearly has an Anti-Diet agenda. The message here is simple: When it comes to trying to eat healthy and maintain your weight - just forget it. Let it go! Let yourself go! Let that waistline grow!

This is clearly a cross-promotion for the turkey legs, churros, and monte cristos found inside the Disney parks. Shameless! And it’s like they aren’t even embarrassed or trying to hide it, you guys!

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let my stomach rage on,
Sweats never bothered me anyway

Disney is clearly a proponent of diabetes. I don’t have proof yet, but I’m pretty sure they are getting kickbacks from the FDA. The more people on insulin, the better - for Disney. Have they no shame? Have they NONE?!

Well, tune in to PTA this week and each day you will be privileged to find another Frozen conspiracy theory from another part time author, who has varying degrees of clean shaven-ness.

Rise up to meet you

Hey friends. Remember us? We been a little absent for a couple weeks. Sorry. For whatever reason, the universe made all of us extremely busy at the same time. Patrick started a new job. I started a new job. Brett started a new job. Chris was in the final stages of directing his show, which I am dying to see. And Ken has, I believe, 17 children, so frankly I don't know how he even has time to put pants on in the morning.

This is me now (look! You can actually see me in the reflection in the door!) I've taken a job with Alice Lane Home Collection. We are an interior design firm with (soon to be) 2 retail locations. This job is amazing. I am surrounded by intelligent, talented, funny people and unbelievably gorgeous and impeccably designed home furnishings. It's like working in an Elle Decor magazine. It's fantastic. I will probably continue to offer unsolicited fashion advice on this blog, but who knows, I might even start sharing some design advice.

Currently I'm in way over my had and try and keep up while everyone talks about etageres and hair-on-hide and what it takes to add custom welts to your Davenport with a COM. I'll never be as much of a design expert as the people who I get to work with, but I know what I like and I have my own design philosophies.

I believe it was the great 20th century philosopher, Oprah, who said "Your home should rise up to meet you." Maybe it was Nate Berkus. Or maybe it was neither. But I think I heard it from Oprah. And I think that is true. You should live in a place where you are surrounded by things you love. Your house should take your breath away every time you walk in. In my home, my wife and I have, over the years, gathered and curated things that we love and things that make us happy. Some pieces were expensive. Some were flea market finds that hardly cost anything. Some are paintings by local artists that make us happy. And some are pieces that we've had forever that have moved from house to house to house with us over the years.

Sure, there are a few dogs. Our kitchen table is from Ikea and a piece of garbage and is stained and faded. But it seems foolish to replace it until our children are old enough not to destroy whatever we get. (I've mentioned our sectional which our kids are slowly destroying like they have some sort of grudge against it.) I don't think everything needs to be new and shiny and expensive to have a well designed home. Sometimes you make due with what you have. But don't buy things for your home unless you love them and they make you happy. It's better to have an empty hole somewhere than to spend money on something that is just OK. After all, why would you want to sit on this:

whey you could be sitting on this:

The store opens in early March (date is still not offically announced) in Salt Lake's amazing, historic Trolley Sqaure location. So come and say Hi and I'll sell you a Sleepy Hollow chair. But if you want an Etageres, I still don't know what those are yet, so I will have to refer you to one of my designers. 

waitin' for the light to shine

So, yeah, this is how I am. I take a two week hiatus from PTA, and then I return with nothing more to say than to shill my own show. I apologize. You deserve better, dear readers.

In fact, do you know what you deserve? A night out at the theatre! Say, isn't there an awesome new version of Big River happening at the Hale Center Theatre in Orem? And isn't that the director's favorite musical? Why - why - why yes, it is!

And what's this I hear? Live instruments? On that little stage? Well, I never! I HAVE to see it now! And how are they going to float down a river on that little stage? I guess we better go see!

I guess you better. We open this Friday night, and the show plays until April 12. Even if you don't live in Utah you still have plenty of time to arrange a road trip. Or start walking now. This show is worth it. Plus, ladies act like dogs.

What: "Big River"
Where: Hale Center Theater Orem, 225 W. 400 North, Orem
When: Feb. 20-April 12 at 7:30 p.m. with Saturday matinees at 3 p.m.
How much: $16-$21 for adults and $12-$16 for children
Tickets: 801-226-8600 or haletheater.org