sorry, i hate august

 Hello Friends,

I really need some help, because I hate August so, so bad. I think it's the worst month of the year. I can't help it. Everybody is always talking about how bad January or February are, but August is way worse. August is the month that dares not speak its name. August is the Whore of Babylon. August is the apocalypse.

I really want to be professor positive and enjoy every month, but I don't know how to love August. It wants to be loved, but I don't have the capacity to give that love. It holds its arms out open to me, but I can only recoil in horror. Why can't August be more like October, I think. Or June? Why can I not find anything virtuous or of good report about August? All I can think about are August's failures and deficiencies.

I cannot recommend August for the following reasons:

1. It's so hot. Interminably hot. Remember back in late May when we were all so excited for summer? Swimming outside, BBQ's, counting the stars on the front porch? Well, none of that sounds like any fun now. Swimming outside = sunburns. My BBQ has a hornets nest inside of it. And I have three words for sitting out on the evening porch: WEST NILE VIRUS. Summer, you have worn out your welcome. We hate you and we hate your hot sun. And Fall isn't for another two months! Now we just sit inside and watch TV in the air conditioning, and all that is on TV during the day are Diagnosis Murder reruns and Little House on the Prairie. Mary Ingalls drops her glasses into a field of dead hay and starts a brush fire; I know exactly how she feels!

2. I'm tired of my lawn. It looks great, yes, and I've worked hard on it. But I have to keep mowing it! Nobody told me I would have to mow it so much. I trim it down and then two hours later it's ready to be cut again; all those little blades of grass breezing back and forth, mocking me like so many middle fingers. And there are patches of it that randomly decided to die. I fixed all my sprinklers and I fertilized, but it doesn't care. It's willy-nilly, my lawn. So there is a big yellow swath in my back yard and I'm starting to care less. It's sort of my parenting style: if my kids do stupid things I ignore them and they eventually stop. I'm doing that with my lawn. If I blind myself to dead patches I assume they will get the hint and grow green again. I do not respond to cries for attention. Especially in August.

3. No major holidays! What kind of a month gives you nothing to truss your house up for? August is dead set on giving you nothing to look forward to. And it's not like anything is really in the pipeline; my favorite holiday, Halloween, is weeks away. I can't even start thinking about Halloween because I'm too busy swatting flies.

4. Back to School. My little brother Andrew used to get really upset when K-Mart school supply commercials started coming on in late July. Can you blame him? August is about school, and not the fun part. It's about sitting in hot classes wearing uncomfortable, new shirts. As a professor I loathe the first few days of class as much as my students do. Oh, if only everyone could feel what it's like to walk into a classroom full of 19-25 year olds who don't want to be there. They put their heads on the desk from day one and it takes me until late September, at the earliest, to wake them up. The only person I know who is excited for school to start is Margaret, who is excited to learn about "science and a cat who dances and does tricks."

5. Loss, and regrets. August is a reminder that nothing you planned to do this summer panned out. Remember how you were going to hike Timp? Too late now, you lazy bum. 'Member how you were going to exercise everyday and lose all that weight? Try again next year, fatty! How about that water rafting vacation? No, you were too busy mowing your lawn three times per week. Maybe next year! (unless there's a drought. Or a nuclear war.) August is a simple, gentle reminder that even though you didn't fail to plan, you still failed.

I guess what I'm driving at is that this is a miserable time of year. Even Martha Stewart hates it. You can tell. I saw her magazine recently in a waiting room. Typically, you can count on Martha to find the joy in every month. This month, Martha writes about mussels and clams. Even the pictures look gross and boring. You can just hear her going "Ah, screw it! I hate August. Somebody dig out that old article about the clams."

Dear readers: I need your help. Inspire me. Give me a reason to love August. I need something. I'm barely holding on. And don't say I should love August because it's your birthday; that doesn't help. Happy Birthday to you, and I'm so sorry. I need supportable, solid reasons to enjoy the next three weeks. Any ideas will help.

How To Host a Winning Family Reunion

Step One:  Have your cousin Tiffany do it.
She's a great host and has a huge lovely home with three pools and trees as far as the eye can see.  Let her do the heavy lifting like, organizing, coordinating, and financing the event then you show up and sing a mildly offensive song about reindeer.

Step Two: Attend.
This is really such an important step.  I mean you sit on the fence for just long enough that people are genuinely surprised to see you when you show up, but you do show up.  I mean, afterall, Tiffany went to all that trouble.

Step Three: Reconnect.
There was a time in your life when these strangers were the most anticipated event of your summer.  There was no lag time before you ran screaming into the sugar beet fields not to see your parents for the next 12 hours.

Step Four: See Things for What They Really Were.
Hold on, you didn't see your parents for twelve hours?!  Now that you are older it's time you knew the truth...that was the point.  All that time spent depriving your parents of the opportunity to fulfil your every whim, was the reason they shoved you and your four brothers into a Buick and drove 4 hours. They didn't want to see you...for twelve hours.  Though, it was the 80's so they did let you sleep on the dashboard while they drove...that might have had subcontext as well.

Step Five: Scheme.
You're older now, and those old fools who once dropped you off in Rupert seem to genuinely like to spend time with those vagabonds you are raising; Plan a week to hang out at your parents and let the kids run wild for twelve hours a day.

Step Six:  Eat.
You look around and the realization sits on your chest.  You are old.  The way you used to look at your Aunts and Uncles, like they were old people who hadn't figured it out yet...that's you now, and your cousins kids can't figure out why you keep asking them if they are "Super Stoked" to be there.  They give you that look you used to dole out which means, "Poor, Poor, Cousin Uncle, you have no idea." And also, you don't have any idea, but you do know one thing that those brats can't take that away from you, this chicken in a box is amazing!

Step Seven: Have a Memory Lane.
This is where Tiffany has outdone herself, not only are there jars of candy on each folding table with guessing folders next to each jar, where you guess the amount of candy in each jar, using the guessing folder and the best guess gets said jar of candy, but there is also a memory lane.  This is where she has collected old photographs and hand made dresses and uniforms from the originating family and hung them all on a meandering close line (not unlike the one in front of Gramma's little green house, next to the weeping willow with the monkey swings (another touch Cousin Tiffany has not overlooked)) with old wooden clothes pins allowing the walker to be reminded that there was a time when his parents thought they were young and optimistic and hot.  Thankfully Cousin Tiffany omitted the full length mirror with the plaque that reads "You are now looking at what happens between these pictures and those old people sneaking candy out of the guessing jars and sneaking back in the wrappers so the count won't be off."  That was a classy edit.

Step Eight: Sing Your Mildly Offensive Song About a Reindeer Despite Your Grandmothers Request for a Hymn.
Afterall, you said you would, and luckily Uncle Jeff has a magic show following your song, so it will be quickly swept under the rug.

Step Nine: Begin to Regret:
Things are winding down and you realize you have squandered your time adding post-it note quips to the photos in 'Memory Lane' and now you won't see these people for another 30 years.

Step Ten: The Love Scramble:
You begin your scramble to have loving, thoughtful connections with 47 different relatives, which only leaves you about 30 seconds for each.  You wonder if you did it wrong and if you should have just spent all your time with one long lost cousin, but then Aunt Susan reminds you that these kinds of check in's are needed too. And even if you can't name all your second cousins step kids, at least you had this day, under these trees, in these pools, with these people, who are forever part of who you are. And you load up your own kids, who now run the world, and you drive away down that long wooded driveway feeling filled and grateful for the new snapshots of faces of the people who were some of the first faces your memory ever snapped shots of.  And you think to yourself, "Thank Heavens, for Cousin Tiffany, she has got some major cleaning up to get to!" 

A Remembering of The Haynes Family Reunion 2013             

The Garrens 20 Year Anniversary Reunion Show!

It was 20 years ago that BYU’s most treasured sketch/improv comedy troupe, The Garrens, first performed. And I was one of those original members. If you would like the full, unabridged history of The Garrens, you can read about it here, on the website of my dear friend and founder of The Garrens, Eric D. Snider.

Being involved in The Garrens turned out to be one of the most influential decisions I ever made and was the vehicle for much happiness in my life. I summed it up in this blurb I wrote several years ago for BYU’s alumni magazine, regarding The Garrens Comedy Troupe:

Student Performing Groups

In December of 1992 my roommate and good friend, Lincoln Hoppe, told me about a flier he had seen in the Wilkinson Center announcing auditions being held for a comedy troupe that was going to start performing regularly on campus.

Had I known how many good things would come from being a part of The Garrens Comedy Troupe, I would not have mocked Lincoln so quickly for suggesting he and I audition. Especially when I could have used the energy to mock him for so many other things, as is the practice among roommates in college.

When the original nine of us got together that December to start practicing, we thought we were hilarious. We were also fairly confident that nobody else would think we were. We practiced in a little theater in the Wilkinson Center that held no more than 100 people, and that is where we were scheduled to perform. The joke was that we would one day perform in the Marriott Center, while we were actually unsure if we would ever fill any of the 100 seats there in the Wilkinson Center. I mean with anybody besides our roommates.

The Garrens became bigger than any of us thought it would. We moved to larger rooms to perform, shows regularly sold out, we began performing off-campus, and in April 1995, just over three years from when we started, we performed in the Marriott Center.

There is great satisfaction in seeing people laugh and enjoy something that you’ve created. To feel like one of your talents is appreciated. But more influential to me were the friendships that I came away with. Some of the greatest people I know are people I met in The Garrens. Do I have a favorite? Why, yes. My wife, Katie, who joined the cast in the fall of 1993, decided she would date me in the fall of 1994, and married me in the summer of 1995. 

I bring this to your attention NOW because, well, we are doing a 20 Year Reunion Show! I KNOW! We are gettin' the gang back together! You will not want to miss this show, folks. It promises to be 100% sensational! This show alone with heal the earth, bring peace to warring countries, and fix the economy! There is nothing I can say that will overhype the magnitude of the amazingness of this show!

So get your tickets today, before it's sold out! Here is the link! And you'll have a chance to see all four Part Time Authors there together, because they are my friends and they are obligated to be there! (Did you read that, other PTAs? Because I mean it.)

My favorite non-PTA blog is ...

Yours!

No, I kid. It's not. I mean, it might be one of my favorites. Are you my wife or one of my 17 friends? Then, yes, your blog is one of my favorite blogs.

Also, did you know that every author here at PTA has their own personal blog (that they rarely update)? They do. You should read them.

Since I can't list all my favorite blogs, and it's impossible to narrow it down to one, I'm going to list three:

1. Amelia Merritt. This is my wife's blog. She's got a gift for telling it like it is, girlfriend. She holds nothing back. It can make people uncomfortable at times, even me, but it's mostly because truth can be awkward. Her posts about her heart failure and pacemaker surgery make me teary-eyed and I already know the story!

2. Modern Mormon Men. I don't just recommend it because I contribute to it often or because Chris and Josh used to. I recommend it because, if you're Mormon, it gives a variety of perspectives on the LDS experience that are hard to find in one place anywhere else. You'll love a lot of it, and you'll disagree with a lot of it. That makes a good blog.

3. Splitsider. The blog/site for comedy nerds and/or geeks. It's for those who enjoy reading funny stuff or thoughts on why stuff is funny (sometimes with scientific proof) or comedy history or comedy pop culture. Is that you? Yes? Then you'll love it! My favorite feature is called Saturday Night's Children: "Saturday Night Live has been home to over a hundred cast members throughout the past 37 years. In our column Saturday Night’s Children, we present the history, talent, and best sketches of one SNL cast member every other week for your viewing, learning, and laughing pleasure."

There you go. I hope this gives you minutes of online reading pleasure. What are your favorite blogs?

Mind the Gap

Topher at Downton Abbey

Do you remember the summer of 2006? Let me refresh your memory: You were trying to get all your arty friends to watch a little TV Show called Friday Night Lights even though it was about football and you were super excited about a little TV show called Heroes and were certain that it was going to be a huge long lasting success (Spoiler Alert: it wasn't.) James Blunt was telling you that You're Beautiful and everyone, including your mom, had a blog. (Gah! Remember your mom's blog? It was so awful.)

Topher, if you don't know, runs the Study Abroad program for UVU. In fact, he is there right now. And back in 2006 when EVERYONE had a blog, he started one called Mind the Gap to chronicle his annual adventures across the pond (which is how Americans who want to pretend they are super continental refer to Europe.) It seemed apropos. After all, even your Aunt was writing a blog (about ceramics. Boy was it awful.) And then everyone stopped writing blogs, but Mind the Gap lived on.

Every summer for the month or so that Chris is taking students around London, Scotland and Paris he writes a daily account of where they went, what plays they saw, how many ghost tours they went on, where they ate and which places Topher decided to take a nap. Honestly, he takes a nap in EVERY MAJOR EUROPEAN LANDMARK. I imagine it is a huge promotional tool for the school and the study abroad program. How could you read it and not want to drop everything and spend 30 days in Great Britain? And if you are any sort of college student living in or near or withing spitting distance of Utah, you should do it. Take it from this bald, overweight, mortgage-carrying dad who wishes he had gone on a study abroad when spending a couple of fortnights in London was a conceivable idea.

You all know that Topher is a hilarious and witty writer and Mind the Gap doesn't disappoint. Here are a few totally randomly selected posts and my favorite line from each one:

• "I screamed like a giant ladybaby." from hoo! hoo! by the beautiful sea.
• "You cram so many people into the tube cars, and the heat goes up, and the arm pits come out, and people drop like flies." from for the rain it raineth. 
• "One more dumb drunk word," said their eyes, "and I will cut you."from we happy few. 
• "That’s what it means to be forty one. You are tall enough to see magical midgets!" from lord mary, lord titus
• "She has yellow this, and white that. Also very stupid." from la vie en rose in which Topher relates the tale of his student getting lost in Paris and his enlisting of the french police to help find her with terrible French. 

So if you are stuck on this side of the pond with all the other boring Americans and want to dream about what it would be like to spend a month in Europe, see dozens of world class plays, eat delicious Nando's Chicken, Pizza Express and McDonalds, and take naps in all the great spots of English History, Mind the Gap is definitely the blog for you. And that is why it is my second favorite blog.

For the record, I'm sure Topher had no idea I was going to write about his blog. And I am sure he is really embarrassed by this. But I sure do love that blog. 

every day i check the book

There is no question in my mind that the finest blog out there is Kacy Faulconer's Everyday I Write the Book.

When I first heard about blogging, in the mid-aughts, my friend Ben Blair told me that I should have a blog, and that Kacy Faulconer had one. Immediately I knew that blogging was legit. Because why else would Kacy Faulconer do it? She doesn't do things she hates. She doesn't do stupid pointless things.

I first met Kacy at Dixon Jr. High school in Provo. The year was 1986. We had a computer science class together. This was when computers could talk to you and start nuclear wars if you programmed them wrong. Kacy and I had a teacher named K Johnson and she had a haircut that looked like someone put a bowl on her head and then curled all the hair hanging out. Flat on top, curly at the tips. It was amazing. She was super mean. We drew pictures of her and passed them back and forth, and we were never caught. We were also never caught when we hijacked a computer game called "Ask Eliza" and changed Eliza's answers. You were supposed to ask Eliza a personal question, and then Eliza is supposed to give helpful advice. Kacy and I hacked it and had Eliza swear back at you or tell you that you were fat. No matter what you asked! It was the best of times.

Kacy and I stayed close all through school and even into BYU, where we would often loiter and smoke fake cigarettes outside of our Book of Mormon class during freshman year. She has always been a good time gal. Had I known she would someday be a best friend to my wife I might have acted a little more dignified.

The good times continue on her blog, where she is irreverent, honest, and brutally funny. Which she manages to do without being mean or cruel. It's a fine line she walks, and she does it with such wit and panache that I'm always in awe of whatever she writes. And she often writes about ordinary, even menial things. The magic of her writing makes everything seem important, and wickedly funny. Here's to you, Kacy Faulconer! You're the true original.

I Say YES to Hoboken!

So, one of my favorite blogs, that is not this blog, is a little blog called 'Say Yes to Hoboken'.  It was started by a dear friend of mine Liz Stanley and I had this great idea to interview her for this blog, but we couldn't quite get our scheduled linked up and also, I never asked her.  But I don't think that should stop me from completely fabricating an interview with her, I mean after all we really are good friends and what are good friends for if you can't exploit their success by concocting a made up interview that shows you both in the best light.  So here goes:

Me: Liz!  Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me.  I know you're very busy and it means a lot to me that you would.

Liz: I didn't.  Also, you didn't ask.

Me: I know!  So tell me a it about your blog and how it got started.

Liz: Well, I was living in Hoboken, New Jersey, right up the street from some amazing friends...

Me: Are you talking about me?

Liz: Yes.

Me: Great.  Go on.

Liz:  I was living up the street from some amazing friends and I had the thought that I wanted to start a blog.

Me:  You were a high school councilor at the time?

Liz: Yes, and I loved it.  I loved working with students but I was looking for a creative outlet.

Me: You have always done the coolest stuff.  I still have those GoKo (sp?) cards we made on your living room floor.  Have you always been crafty?

Liz: Crafty?  In the sense that I can come up with a clever scheme?  Yes.  And also, I like to make stuff with my hands.  I remember me and your wife making pillows together.

Me: They are still on our bed.

Liz: Really?!  That was, like, 7 years ago...you should probably swap those out.

Me: Oh, you think?  Couldn't they be timeless?

Liz: I mean, they could be...but those aren't.

Me: Got it.  I'll burn them tonight.

Liz: Don't burn them?!  They would make such cute place mats or doll dresses or curtains for a several small windows.

Me:  Is that your favorite thing to do, reshape things into different things?

Liz: I do like that, yes.  But my favorite thing is to spend time with my son and husband.  I love how my son sees things in a different way than I do.

Me: Kids do that.

Liz: They do.  How are your kids?

Me:  So good!  They are running around and...wait a minute!  This is about you, not me?!  Funny how when you are writing, even something like a fake interview, the subject always comes back to me.  Do you blog about me often?

Liz: I'm sorry, what was the question?

Me:  Do you blog...

Liz: About you?

Me: Yes.

Liz: No.

Me: Oh.

Liz:  I mostly share tutorials and style ideas for young moms just like myself, plus I write for other sites and collaborate with brands on content campaigns...I don't know if just blogging about a guy who used to live up the street from me would really fit our bill.

Me: I understand.  What if I made my pillows into curtains for several small windows?  Then would you blog about me?

Liz: That could be something.

Me: I'm not going to do that.

Liz: No, I know.

Me: Well, it's been so good to catch up with you!  I love your blog and you and your family.  You are the best!

Liz: Thanks.

Me: Do you remember that time, after me and your husband fought that drunk guy because he inappropriately propositioned you while leaning on a fence at a church and we had finally made it to dinner after having the drunk guy arrested for punching my wife and we were all sitting at the table facing the window and all of the sudden a man went running past in full death sprint screaming and we all wondered what he was running from and then a cop on a horse came galloping after him?

Liz: Yes.

Me: That was wild.

*********

Well, I hope you take the time to pop on over to Say YES to Hoboken and check out the REAL Liz Stanley and what she is really doing right now.  You'll go back again and again.

My Favorite Blog

Something you might not know about Part Time Authors is not only do we write, but we also know how to READ! True story. Why, Patrick has been reading for MONTHS now! And Chris also enjoys reading - but generally just the amazing reviews of the plays he directs. I also like to find time to read - but not when I’m on vacation. That’s MY time, and I make no apologies for it. 

But I kid. I do so very much enjoy this national pastime of reading, invented right here in the great country of ours. And just in case you were wondering what I like to read - well, I'll tell you. But only one thing. I'm coy. 

One “blog” I never miss comes from my dear friend (and yours) Eric D. Snider. I put “blog” in quotes because truthfully, Eric was writing these “posts” before there was "blogging." Or before it was known as "blogging," anyway. All I'm saying is: Eric D. Snider invented blogging and it’s time he started getting royalties for doing so. 

Eric began as a columnist for what our ancestors refer to as a “newspaper.” Then he built his own website! (Read: He paid somebody to build a website for him.) And now all his hilarious content can be found in one location: www.ericdsnider.com.

Eric is now officially a grown up movie critic, but he also keeps his column or “blog” going. It’s appropriately titled “Snide Remarks.” And if you aren’t reading it, you should. 

Indeed, Eric is snide; with all the good connotations that come with that. He is wry and witty in his observational humor, parodies, satire, and occasional ribaldry. But there is also a vulnerability that I really enjoy about Eric’s writing. He’ll use humor to bring up sensitive topics, simultaneously admitting that he is not an expert on the subject. 

Here's a link to his most recent post, “The Surly Urban Juror.” 

Eric is a close friend and I'm happy to claim him. I’ve actually known him since December of 1992. What a privilege to know such a talented, hilarious writer. I would read Eric’s writings every day if I could. But not when I’m on vacation. I believe I’ve already clarified that’s MY time. 

"Ask My Mom!" from Maria Bamford

This is a fun and mostly clean web series from one of the best comedians around. Here's a 1 minute episode. I know a lot of moms like this ...




Enjoy your Friday!

#youaredoingitwrong

Hashtags. They are everywhere #amirite? But I think you are using them wrong. Don't worry. I'm here to help.

Hashtags first gained popularity on Twitter. They were a way to tag your post with some meta-data to make it easier to find in the the glut of information on the web. So if you tweeted something about the royal baby you can use the hashtag #royalbaby. That way if people are searching the wide world of the interwebs for information, you can narrow it down a bit with a hashtag.

Then, a newish use of the hashtag emerged. You could use the hashtag to make a funny comment, or wry aside about what you were posting. So if I tweet a link to this Buzzfeed article about how I am addicted to Diet Coke  I might label it with the hashtag #dietcoke to provide some meta-data info, and an additional hashtag of #sorrymom to make a little joke about how my mom is worried about my Diet Coke addiction and is sure that I will soon have stomach cancer.

But then you got stupid. And you started to abuse the hashtag. And it got ridiculous and inane and obnoxious. You see, a well placed funny hashtag can really give a tweet or an instagram a funny twist that you might not have seen otherwise. But when you just write 17 other comments after your original caption but make them into hashtags you just seem greedy and irresponsible. For example, this is what I see on Instagram all the time, using a photo of my friends Christian, Ken and Patrick  chopping down 1 million trees at Patrick's new house, Sequoia Shadows.

Helping Patrick cut down some trees. #lumberjacks #welookmanly #therewerealotoftreesthere #seriouslywewerethereforseveralhourstryingtogetthetreesprunedandundercontroll #theywereseriouslysoovergrownyouguysitwastotallycrazyandlikebeinginsomesortofcrazyovergrownforrest #splinters

See what I did there? ANNOYING RIGHT?? If you want to say all those things, just say them. Putting them in a hashtag is simply dumb. So let's agree that we won't do that, anymore? #OK? #Becauseitisannoying.

And while we are on the subject, here's another way that you can use the hashtag wrong:

Ah, baby Hashtag. You are going to have a long interresting life. #becauseyournameishashtag #andpeoplearegoingtothinkthatyoucray #orattheveryleastthatyourmomiscray #amirite?